Hello, doctor.

I had written a letter before, expressing my gratitude for your advice. Later, I met a lovely girl (22 years old) and we have been together for about six months. She is my first serious relationship and also my first love. The problem is that our schedules are very different, and our emotional life has significantly decreased in the past few months. I feel frustrated, and I am also ashamed of this frustration.

I work from 9 am to 5 pm every day and also pursue a postgraduate degree. I have some hobbies and I spend a few evenings each week participating in them. But she recently started working the night shift in a demanding position. She is passionate about her job - something I really admire about her - but she is now exhausted. And in the foreseeable future, she is mainly scheduled to work on weekends, which is usually the best time for me to see her. In the previous few weeks, she confessed to me how nervous she felt and that her libido had completely disappeared. As a result, our relationship life temporarily hit a low point. Later, the relationship recovered, but not frequently.

I admit that I feel frustrated about this, and it's very selfish of me. In the early stages of our relationship, we were not in a hurry about intimacy and mainly followed her pace (and I was very satisfied with this). But eventually, we encountered some intimacy issues that made having sex difficult. Some of these we have overcome and I'm glad we were able to reach these milestones together, but some other issues we haven't resolved. She has difficulty reaching orgasm, and she has never reached it with me. We spent a lot of time doing foreplay, but as a result, she was very depressed about not being able to do it. Her self-esteem has plummeted recently, and this, along with high work pressure and mental instability, has become a major problem. Sometimes sex remains an issue.

To be honest, apart from continuing to support her and not putting any pressure on her, I really don't know what else to do. I suggested seeking psychological counseling and told her that the counselor had been of great help to me. A few weeks ago, I even received some recommendation letters from my counselor. I think considering her current situation and the pressure she's under, psychological counseling is the best choice. But she seems reluctant to accept it. She has indeed seen a psychiatrist and is taking medication (which might affect her libido and hormones), but she also seems reluctant to talk about this issue with them. I feel that I have put in a lot for this relationship, but the time we spend together is getting less and less, and I'm getting more and more frustrated. We haven't been together for a long time, but some obvious problems have emerged (at least for me).

I realized that I really wanted to be with her. Being single again was simply a nightmare for me. Please feel free to offer any suggestions or criticisms.

Thank you very much.

Before we address your main issue, I would like to first resolve one thing you mentioned: You are very depressed and feel sad because of your depression. This is an incorrect perspective. Feeling depressed is normal. It is understandable that you feel depressed. You are in a frustrating situation! Feeling depressed and getting angry with yourself is not helpful. It will only make the situation that is negatively affecting your relationship more unpleasant. You can feel depressed, or you can be dissatisfied with the circumstances that are having a negative impact on your relationship. Feelings are feelings. They are neither good nor bad; they simply exist. The key is what actions you take based on these feelings.

When you vent your frustration on your girlfriend, or when it leads you to do something that makes others' situation worse, then it becomes a problem. For instance, sometimes complaining to your girlfriend will only increase her stress because you are making her feel that you are blaming her, or she thinks it's her fault when in fact it was just bad luck. So I hope that apart from her, you have other people to confide in; sometimes, it can be more helpful to talk to those who have no direct connection to the matter and who don't feel obligated to solve it. In this way, you can express your (very understandable and very reasonable) feelings without inadvertently increasing her stress.

Leaving this aside, I think a useful approach is to recognize that sometimes the key to overcoming frustrating situations - again, emphasizing that this is not something that both of you can change - lies in finding ways to mitigate their negative effects. This part requires you to be flexible and willing to make adjustments based on the actual situation, no matter where or how you make the adjustments.

In this situation, this will be a challenge. You work from 9 am to 5 pm every day and also pursue a postgraduate degree. This often squeezes your available time to the absolute minimum, and also consumes most of your energy and mental capacity. While she works overtime at night and on weekends, and is under great work pressure. This means that the overlapping period of your available time and her time will be extremely limited. You must be willing to work within these constraints. To maintain the status quo, you may have to make some sacrifices in other areas. For instance, you might have to reduce the time for extracurricular activities to make time to spend with her, or arrange your hobbies for other evenings.

Another thing you might need to do is to change your expectations for upcoming dates or gatherings. For instance, this might mean that you and your partner can opt for more low-key, subdued gatherings to simply enjoy each other's company rather than going out and having a wild time. For a while, cuddling on the sofa and watching a movie or playing games might be the main way for you to enjoy your intimate moments until the situation changes or your schedules become more coordinated. You could go for a walk in the park, watch a matinee movie instead of a midnight one, or have breakfast together when she gets off work and you are about to go to work.

The more you can adjust your plan according to the actual situation, the easier it will be for you to handle such special circumstances. This can also relieve the pressure on your girlfriend, so that she no longer feels "This will harm my feelings". Yes, this is not an ideal situation, but you are trying to make it work.

When it comes to stress: Yes, her sexual desire plummeted and I wasn't surprised at all. Stress is well-known to cause a sudden drop in sexual desire. When your brain and body enter a crisis mode, stress is often one of the first things to disappear. Imagine it like this: Just like the captain of a spaceship in a crisis situation uses all the available energy to maintain the life support system and the shield; you shut down unnecessary systems to ensure that you have enough energy to complete what you need to do and get through the current crisis.

But there is a harsh truth: I don't think you are really helping to solve this problem at present.

Remember what I said? Feeling frustrated is normal, as long as the way you deal with it doesn't make things worse? Well, in this situation, you might unintentionally make things worse. I think both of you should slow down a little, adjust your expectations, and change the way you handle things. Although I understand your feelings and you obviously want things to be good for both of you, I suspect you are exacerbating the problem rather than alleviating it.

This is why I think she refused to talk to the therapist. Although I don't think this was your intention or desire, at some point, you will feel that you are forcing her to do this not for her but for yourself. I think one of the more effective methods is to play a supportive role and say - directly say - "Hey, what can I do to help you now? What can I do to ease your stress and make things easier?" You might get more benefits, such as helping her buy some groceries or watering the flowers, so that she has less to do instead of pushing her onto the therapist's couch.

Also, remember what I said about adjusting expectations? Well, I think this also applies to your sex life.

Take the example of her difficulty in achieving orgasm. Sensitive men usually have no problem reaching orgasm; the shape of the penis, the location of the nerve endings, and other factors usually make the process simpler. Men also usually have a better understanding of what they need to achieve orgasm. Similarly, the shape and position of our genitals, as well as cultural expectations for male sexual behavior, also make orgasm easier. Since masturbation is both natural and inevitable for young boys, men are more likely to discover what they like at an early age and become experts in satisfying sexual desires.

On the other hand, women usually start self-stimulation and reach sexual climax later than men - they have difficulty accidentally discovering things that can arouse sexual desire or stimulate them. Not to mention that even in the distant year of Beyoncé's Goddess Year in 2024, women are still actively prevented from exploring their bodies and sexual desires, and are not allowed to pursue pleasure like men do. This can be regarded as a cultural side effect, as this culture still regards elevated male behavior as demeaning female behavior. Therefore, young women's feelings about sexual climax may be different, and they may not yet fully understand what they need to reach climax. For example, women need very strong and direct stimulation of the clitoris or G-spot to reach climax, which is quite common. Your girlfriend is likely the kind of person who requires a certain degree of pressure, stimulation, or specific types of contact to truly reach climax - and these methods are impossible for the human body to replicate. At this point, using sex toys like vibrators in sexual games becomes extremely valuable. For example, using a vibrator during foreplay or insertion can help her reach the level of stimulation needed for climax.

One thing that might be helpful is to talk about what excites her when she's alone. If something she did during masturbation made her excited, then you can incorporate those things into your sexual encounters. If she has never used sex toys... then she might need to consider it - either privately or when you're together.

Medications are another potential complicating factor. Many drugs used to treat mental health issues - such as antidepressants, antipsychotics, etc. - are notorious for suppressing libido. Especially selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), they are particularly known for preventing people from getting over love, money, or any truly effective medication. In fact, one of the off-label uses of some SSRIs is to treat premature ejaculation. So, her medications are likely part of the problem. If this is indeed the case and it is causing her distress, then she should see a psychiatrist. She has every right to say: "Hey, the side effects of this drug have a negative impact on my life. I want to find a drug that won't ruin my sex life."

However, there is another factor at play here. I think your emphasis on getting her to reach orgasm is actually contrary to the desired outcome. An orgasm can be like an unpredictable mistress, sometimes the pressure to reach orgasm actually hinders her from achieving it. If the foreplay goes on endlessly, to the point where you and she start singing "coal mine work" and wondering how long this can last, then it's likely that she is no longer able to reach orgasm. Now you just need to think about how much friction "hoo-hah" can withstand.

So, although it's a good thing to try to please your girlfriend, I think the way you do it actually has the opposite effect. I believe the pressure on the climax is one of the reasons that drives the climax away and makes her feel worse. This, in turn, makes it harder for her to reach the climax, which makes her feel even worse, and this cycle repeats itself. So, just like erectile dysfunction, sometimes the answer is simple... Stop trying. Just to remind you, this is not to say that you shouldn't care about her pleasure, but you want less climaxes in sex and more intimacy and connection. Even without a climax as an end, you can still enjoy sex, and the lack of pressure to reach a climax makes sex easier. So, although doing what she likes and enjoys is still important, you shouldn't make her reach the climax your goal, but you should pay more attention to intimacy and feelings.

You might also want to broaden your definition of "sex", so that it no longer merely involves the insertion of the A key into the B key. The more broad your definition of sex is, the more opportunities you will have to have sex - especially when she feels tired and stressed, worried that having sex means another hour of frustrating finger games that ultimately lead to no progress, making her feel overwhelmed. After the intimacy, when you masturbate, she will give you a sensual "assist", which might make it easier (and more satisfying) to integrate into your busy schedule, and overall, it can also reduce stress.

"Do you want to make this period exciting and passionate? Look up 'masturbation instructions' and let her take charge. Just a suggestion."

Now this is the part that I think you really won't like: Both of you might be feeling lonely right now. Sometimes no matter what you do, it just doesn't work. I often say that a romantic relationship is the combination of timing, location and people. If these factors are not properly arranged and combined, it usually won't succeed. Someone might be suitable for you, but it might not be the right time, or they (or you) might not be ready or able to establish a romantic relationship. This could be one of those situations; you can truly love someone to the point of madness, but due to uncontrollable circumstances, it still doesn't succeed. As the sage said: Not making any mistakes can also lead to failure. This is not failure, this is life.

That was really bad, even depressing. But the problem is: this doesn't mean that this relationship will never succeed; it just means that it won't work right now. If you two are compatible with each other, then six months, a year, or even longer later, you will still be each other's partners until things stabilize and your schedules and responsibilities become better. So, although you may have to let go now, you can promise that when things aren't so bad anymore and you have more time and energy to devote to this relationship, you will be together again.

The situation is very difficult. I'm sorry that you are in this predicament. I hope all of you can get through this. But if not... Well, as I said, sometimes it's not someone else's fault, but just bad luck. The best thing you can do is to give some time. Six months to a year might feel like an eternity, but it's far shorter than you think, especially when love is at stake.

Good luck to you.