Obviously, everyone's sex life has decreased.
Over the past few years, a large number of studies have confirmed that the frequency of sexual activity among millennials and Generation Z is far lower than that of their parents and grandparents. According to the University of Chicago's biennial General Social Survey, in 2021, 20% of men and women aged 18 to 34 had never had sexual intercourse, compared with 8% and 7% respectively in 2008. Additionally, a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2017 found that the number of sexual encounters per year among American adults in the early 2010s was about nine less than in the late 1990s.
Experts say it all makes sense. When you are faced with a long list of to-dos, conflicting schedules, or children who seem unable to understand that parents need alone time, intimate relationships often get overlooked first. Add to that the constant demands for attention from screens, work that is always within reach, and the state of the entire world, and it's no wonder that most of us feel exhausted or overwhelmed on a Wednesday night and can't relax.
Fortunately, it's not all bad news. A large number of studies have also confirmed that having more sex does not necessarily mean higher relationship satisfaction - the optimal frequency is apparently once a week - so experts suggest that when couples consider their sex life, they should focus on "quality" rather than "quantity".
What is a "high-quality" sex life?
"Good" sex is often measured by duration, intensity of stimulation, or the number of climaxes achieved. Although all these factors can make sex enjoyable, they do not necessarily translate into high-quality sex.
"High-quality sexual intimacy feels like being alive within your own body, experiencing the present moment, connecting with others or yourself, living in the present, rather than thinking about to-do lists - what should truly be pursued is the complete presentness," said licensed therapist Kate Levine (LMHC). "The depth, connection or meaning we invest in it is more important than just constantly doing it."
In practice, there is no "one-size-fits-all" approach, so it is crucial for couples to maintain open communication about their individual sexual needs and desires. "Each partner's understanding of high-quality sex may vary - whether it's an hour of foreplay, five minutes of penetration, or quick sex in the car," said Lindsey Schaffer, a licensed mental health, couples relationship, and sex therapist (LMSW). "It's perfectly fine to negotiate and weigh how to meet each other's needs at different times. The best sex comes from being able to let go of expectations of what it should look like."
It is important to clarify that this does not mean that every sexual encounter needs to be long and deep – sometimes you only have five minutes to take a shower before going to work, and it's okay if it's done by one person alone. "People think that if you can't enjoy such a long and wonderful sexual experience every time, then your sex life is not good, but this expectation can really hurt you," said Schaffer. "Managing expectations is very important. You should know that you won't always be great – sometimes it's good for one or both of you, and sometimes it's bad for one or both of you – but this doesn't mean that your sex life is not rich, or that the quality of your sex life is not good." However, it is important that you prioritize living in the moment and staying connected during those moments.
How to enhance the quality of sexual life
To enhance the quality of your sexual life, the first thing you need to do is figure out what is truly suitable for you and your partner. "I strongly encourage couples to find their own unique form of intimacy and sexual connection," says Schaffer. "This comes from understanding each other's preferences and reducing each other's stress."
For some people, high-quality sexual intimacy may not require any actual penetrative sex at all - there are other ways to enhance the relationship. "I think we need to go beyond the notion that 'sex is about penetration', and expand our understanding of sexual intimacy between partners," said a sex therapist in New York City. "For some people, sex is using a vibrator, watching their partner masturbate, and then ejaculating together; for others, sex is talking about your sexual fantasies - it can be whatever you want it to be. I think we need to strive to expand our sexual menu [to enhance the image of high-quality sex]."
Furthermore, Fernandez stated that introducing non-sexual contact outside of the bedroom can enhance intimacy and thereby improve the quality of sexual activity. "One of the significant reasons for people having a low frequency of sexual activity is that physical contact only occurs during sexual scenarios," she said. "Some people prefer platonic touches from their partners rather than thinking that it will lead to sexual activity. Enhancing this platonic intimacy is crucial for improving the quality and quantity of sexual activity."
Although you may not be able to squeeze in an extra sexual encounter every week in your schedule, shifting your focus to the relationship will help make the time you have truly meaningful.