I'm 20 years old, a girl. I'm 21 now. He is an international student and has been in the US for three years. We are both in college. (We are of different races, but share the same religious belief.)

We have been dating for over a year now. At the beginning, we were just chatting. On our first date, he cooked for me and gave me flowers. Then we had sex. It was quite unexpected because we hadn't planned for it beforehand, but it just happened. We talked for two weeks, and then he completely disappeared. Moreover, he often feels depressed because he misses his family. There aren't many friends here and he is not very mature.

He ignored me for three weeks, then apologized and sent me a long article, trying to make up for it. I didn't care at all. I'm not a sensitive person and I try to stay calm. So when he asked for another chance, I said "OK" and it turned into a "boyfriend" relationship. He clearly stated that he is not suitable for dating anyone at the moment.

I guess he just doesn't want to go on a date with me.

We would disappear from each other for no reason. Sometimes we would have arguments and stop talking to each other, but he would always come back every time.

Even without sexual relations, we are still good friends. We still chat for several hours, discussing each other's families, friends and lives. We have some wonderful memories together, and sometimes we talk about them. Five months ago, he chatted with a girl and told me about it. After that, we stopped communicating because he was always very loyal when speaking to others. They had been dating for less than a month when we started having sex again.

But why did he try to date other girls when he wasn't ready for a relationship? I didn't ask him any questions because I knew that if I started a relationship with him, many things wouldn't work out. But I really liked him, and that doesn't mean I would be thinking about him 24/7 or seriously pursuing a relationship. Last year I did have a relationship, but it only lasted for 2 months. When I was with my ex, I ignored him too. But now we are both single. Two days ago when we talked on the phone, he started saying, "I still remember our first date, it was like a movie. I want to do it again. I'll also send you flowers again," which made me very confused: Does he still like me? I know he liked me a lot when we first started chatting, but it's been over a year now. If he doesn't want to specifically date (me), why doesn't he give me a reason? I never asked. He did tell me things like "I really miss you" as well. Sex was great, and we both longed for each other. I think my attachment to him was more about the sexual aspect.

I don't have any romantic notions about him, but I know that if he invites me to give it a try, I might do it.

So, what are we?

I certainly don't want to question how people define their relationship (it's actually a lie, as that's what my job entails), but I have to be honest: "If we don't have sex, we are just good friends" strikes me as a bit dubious. This seems to conflict with the way you two behave - whether you have sex or not.

Of course, I think not every friendship requires continuous contact. Many friendships can remain strong even after long periods of silence, and then resume as if nothing had happened. But the two of you seem to be disappearing at any moment, which is at least worrying. When the other person seemingly disappears from the earth from time to time and then has to go to great lengths to apologize, it seems very difficult to establish the core of a strong friendship through that kind of connection and trust. In my opinion, this situation is very abnormal and exhausting.

In this situation, both of you are young and lack experience. Even if there is no good way to get along, you are just clumsily groping forward with good intentions. For instance, I don't think your temporary fling would deliberately make things difficult for you or leave you waiting passively, so that he always has something to do. I think it's honest of him to say that he isn't ready for a date - and I agree with him. The problem is, although he is right that he isn't ready for a date yet,

I think his reasoning is incorrect.

I know this might sound a bit absurd - if the outcome is the same, why would anyone care about the reason? This is important because it affects his behavior, and how his behavior impacts others.

For instance: His relationship with you. For someone who theoretically doesn't want to get into a relationship, he behaves very assertively and conveys a completely different message. His first date with you - sending flowers, cooking, etc. - is something that I would only expect on the third date, and it's also the case for those seeking a more serious relationship. As I have said many times before: A casual relationship doesn't mean you can treat your partner casually, but such a date will leave a strong impression, indicating that you long for romance and a long-term commitment.

The same thing happened to him as well. He made grand apologies and claimed that he remembered your date and wanted to have another one, but to a greater extent. I expected to hear such words from someone who was seriously looking for a girlfriend rather than a casual lover. The contradiction between his words and actions was almost deliberately created to cause a lot of confusion and frustration.

For those who receive these confusing signals, this is indeed very unfair. This kind of behavior - especially for those who may lack experience themselves - could eventually lead to a situation where others' time is wasted. This is especially true for relationships that are constantly changing; it can put one or both parties in a difficult position, as the other party disappears and then returns to start the entire chaotic situation all over again - making it even harder for either party to find a relationship that better meets their needs.

What really drives me crazy is this: I think the problem is not that he doesn't want to go on a date with you. From the fact that you two often stop communicating for weeks or even months and then end up having sex again, I can confidently say that you two clearly have an emotional connection and there is also a certain chemical reaction between you. After all, you two often have sex again after weeks or even months of not communicating. If I were to guess, I think the problem is actually more mundane. I bet the real problem lies in the fact that he is only in his early twenties and is studying abroad. I guess he might be worried that things are progressing too quickly, or afraid that if he starts just going on dates with you, he will feel that he has missed out on other opportunities... Even if that means giving up something that might have been great. This is an extremely absurd "fear of missing out" (FOMO): giving up what he has and what he clearly likes because of the hope for something more distant and possible.

The problem lies here. I think the real reason why he is not suitable as a boyfriend now is that he doesn't know what he wants, is afraid of making "mistakes", and doesn't know how to communicate. So, he failed to be honest, failed to find ways to no longer cause you trouble, and failed to have a proper communication, so that you and he could figure out whether this relationship is worth continuing or not. He was just... jumping out. Then he came back. And jumped out again.

And to be honest, you seem to have handled it no better than he did. You don't seem to have any good reputation in this regard. You said you were certain that if you could, you definitely wouldn't want to date him... but you still danced with him. You seem as if you can disappear from the earth as easily as he can, and you're just as reluctant to stop, and just as unwilling to question. So, you find yourselves in this situation where you keep bumping into each other, getting closer and further apart, and then getting closer again.

If both of you have discussed this matter and both have agreed to accept it, then it's a different story. But now I feel that neither of you is willing to bring up this issue, let alone make a real commitment. So, you are currently in a kind of ambiguous quasi-romantic relationship, and it seems that neither of you can truly satisfy each other. I have been wondering whether sex is enough to make up for the remaining frustrations between you, and how it hinders your progress.

This is why emotional intelligence and self-awareness are crucial components for a successful date. Part of this is recognizing bad or problematic situations, even if some aspects of them are acceptable or even pleasant. Currently, neither of you seems to be very good at communication or expressing your needs, nor are you very good at balancing friendships with one person and romantic or sexual relationships with another. All of these are not conducive to any long-term relationship - whether it's between you two or with others.

Either both of you, or one of you, or both of you, either go to the bathroom to defecate or stop using the toilet altogether. Although I firmly believe that friendship and sex are not mutually exclusive, this requires both of you to be more mature and communicate more smoothly than you are now. These can improve over time... But unless both of you can truly break this cycle and stick to it, neither of you can truly make progress.

My suggestion is that you should first put aside the sexual aspects and just be friends until both of you have a clearer understanding of what you want and can communicate these needs better. Yes, doing it this way does carry risks. One or both of you might end up with someone else... But right now, it seems that you two are not really a good match for each other. Maybe you will be suitable for each other in the future, and you might eventually come together. But for now? I think you two are actually hindering each other's growth instead of helping each other.

Good luck to you.