Hey, doctor, I need your help.

First of all, I would like to say that throughout my entire childhood, my mother had been mentally abusing me (even before she divorced my father). She would tear up my belongings just because I liked them, or because they were bought for me by relatives from my father's side; she would belittle me; she would leave me with the family (I was 12 years old at that time, and when I returned home, I saw my father smelling of smoke, even the dog had run away. This was no joke); once, she left me alone in an apartment building at 3 a.m. until 3 a.m. (I don't know exactly when she came home, but I only know that it was 3 a.m. when I finally broke down and called my father, who came to pick me up). My situation was so bad that even now, 10 years after I haven't seen her again, I still sometimes hate everything, or hate myself, or feel depressed and anxious, feeling that I'm disturbing and offending the people around me.

I brought up this matter because... I want to know if this is a factor contributing to what happened to me here.

Here's the situation. I'm not sure if I truly desire physical sex. When it comes to pornographic films or role-playing (I mean through text), I'm probably the most lewd and perverted girl you could possibly find. But this is precisely what is causing me some confusion; I only have this feeling towards roles. For me (just like some people prefer online role-playing rather than traditional role-playing), even just thinking about it, I truly don't think physical sex is what I want. Damn it, I don't even watch real pornographic films; I only watch paintings, animations, or 3D stuff; and I also hate seeing real people naked because it only makes me feel strangely uncomfortable and I don't get any real pleasure.

I once tried masturbation before, but I never really experienced any sense of satisfaction. Thinking about my reaction at that time, even if just a drop of water from the dog food bowl splashed on me, I felt that sweat and other liquids would only make me very uncomfortable, and usually wouldn't allow me to enjoy the act of masturbation.

I'm not worried about how this will affect interpersonal relationships, at least not now; I have a boyfriend and I clearly explained everything to him, also telling him that I have no intention of having sex before marriage (this is my belief about my own body; I don't care what others want to do). His only request was that if we got married, I should at least try it with him once. I agreed because I thought it was fair and I was willing to at least give it a try to ensure everything was secure (and I knew that if we really got to that point, I could trust him to stop). But he said he fully understood the rest. If I'm not interested in sex, he's very willing to accept it. Moreover, if it turns out that sex is important to him and I can't provide it, I might feel a little jealous (who wouldn't?), but I can fully accept that he will go to someone else to satisfy those needs.

I think my question is... Is this really possible? I'm not interested in sex life. Is this just a part of my personality? Or do I have some inner problems that need to be addressed? You seem to really know a lot, so I hope you can explain it.

So first of all, I want to say that I'm very sorry that you were abused, confused shepherd dog - but in my opinion, you are very strong and were able to get through all of this so smoothly. Although abuse can be very hurtful, I'm not entirely sure that this is the root cause of your current problems. It sounds like several different issues have come together to form a perfect storm of confusion and depression. It's very difficult for me to give you a clear "this is the problem," because a) human sexual behavior is a complex beast, and diagnosing a person's problems through email is very difficult; b) NerdLove doctor is not a real doctor.

But hey, I've never been hindered from becoming a therapist because of a lack of experience before. So why should I start now?

Human sexual orientation often presents a series of spectra. The well-known Kinsey Sexual Orientation Scale shows that on one end is pure heterosexuality, on the other end is pure homosexuality, and in between are various options. Similarly, sexual desire also presents a series of spectra, with one end being more desirous of sexual desire than a six-horned goat, and the other end being completely lacking in sexual desire. The diversity and wonder of human sexual experiences mean that people's positions on these spectra vary greatly.

The reason why human sexual behavior is so fascinating lies partly in its inherent fluidity and the various influences it receives from different aspects of human life. Sexual desire and arousal patterns may be affected by physiological factors (such as hormonal imbalances or genetic predispositions) or psychological factors (such as anxiety, self-esteem, or fundamental belief systems). And when you realize that the "normal" sexual behavior we consider largely stems from some rather arbitrary and culturally influenced standards...

All of this is expressing the idea that "the relationship between humans and garbage is extremely complex". This implies that, usually, it is very difficult for us to narrow down the scope of the problem... even if the problem does exist.

Well, let's start from the physiological aspect: You said you masturbate, but this doesn't really make you feel satisfied. You didn't clearly state whether this means you can't reach orgasm, or the orgasm you achieve is not satisfactory. This situation is actually quite common; more than 10% of women have never experienced orgasm, whether alone or with a partner. Sometimes, it's a physiological issue - for example, insufficient blood supply to the genitals, or the side effects of commonly used antidepressants. Sometimes, it's a psychological issue - the patient may have some kind of disorder that prevents them from feeling pleasure, or they may feel an overwhelming sense of guilt or shame. And in some cases, it's simply a problem with the physiological mechanism - they may need extremely strong direct clitoral stimulation, and without mechanical assistance, this stimulation is almost impossible to achieve. Consulting a gynecologist can help you determine if there are any correctable physiological problems.

But before I say "go see a real doctor", please allow me to ask a serious question: Is this a real problem for you?

Look, what you're going to say next makes me wonder if you are asexual. Many people have very low sexual desires, or even no sexual desires at all; they have no interest in sex. Sometimes it's due to a physical reason - they can't arouse sexual desire. Sometimes it's due to a psychological reason - they don't find sex stimulating, or even find it disgusting. Sometimes both factors are involved. Asexual people may be aroused sexually, but have no interest in sexual acts with a partner. They may not even be aroused at all. The reason they masturbate might not just be for pleasure (such as helping to fall asleep, maintaining prostate health, etc.). You don't like real sexual acts - including physical contact, bodily fluids, exertion, etc. - but when sex is highly fictionalized, you find it exciting, which is completely in line with the category of asexuality. I think you might be worth visiting the website "Asexuality Visibility and Education Network" - it might help you better accept your current situation.

So, could all this be because you suffered emotional abuse from your mother when you were young? Maybe? As I said: Human sexual behavior is extremely complex and is directly influenced by cultural and emotional factors. So, yes, it's entirely possible that you have internalized the self-loathing brought about by your mother's abuse - you say you have been in a state of low self-esteem for a long time and feel worthless. The reason you can better resonate with fictional characters is because you don't believe you are "worthy" of being loved, desired, or sexually satisfied. This is not impossible to imagine. But regardless of what Freud said, abuse does not necessarily lead to sexual dysfunction (I fully realize this is a richly nuanced term).

Anyway, I do think it's a good idea to talk to a psychologist to help you deal with those self-loathing and anxiety that still trouble you. But I don't think it's absolutely necessary to go to a doctor to change your views on sex. I have a big question: How do you feel about your lack of interest in sex? Are you worried that - you want to have sex, but you're afraid it will make you so disgusting? Or do you think you should want to, but you don't?

If it's the former, then yes, perhaps it's worth talking to someone. You might not suddenly become more sexually active just because you express your feelings about sex, but this might help you be more at ease with yourself. If it's the latter... well, it's actually not a problem. It's just one of the reasons why you are who you are.

To be honest? I think you handled it very well, especially in your relationship. It sounds like your boyfriend was very patient and understanding. The two of you also clearly communicated each other's feelings and found a feasible compromise solution. This is crucial for the success of a relationship.

I suggest going to see a doctor for a physical examination to ensure everything is normal - certain forms of sexual dysfunction, low libido or insufficient sexual arousal can all be signs of health problems - but if you are satisfied with your feelings towards sex, then embrace it. It is a part of you, making you a unique member of this vast realm of human sexual experiences.

Good luck to you.