How do you know that your sex life is wonderful? When there are no negative emotions or feelings associated with it. That is to say, when the sex life stems from a positive state, feels good, and ultimately leads to positive outcomes.

Sexual activity can bring about many negative emotions - shame, guilt, fear, obligation, disgust, a sense of entitlement, boredom, as well as negative physical sensations such as pain and discomfort. All of these are not conducive to having a wonderful sexual experience. So, ask yourself:

What is driving you?

If you feel that you have to do this in order to make your partner happy, then this is not good sexual behavior.

If you expect yourself to engage in sexual activity, then such sexual activity is not good sexual behavior.

If you feel that you have the right to engage in sexual activity regardless of where your partner is, then such sexual activity is not a good one.

How did you feel when you were doing this?

If you experience pain or discomfort, then it's not a good sexual experience.

If it makes you feel bored, then it's not good quality sexual intercourse.

If you want it to end, then this is not good sexual intercourse.

If you feel that you must meet certain key performance indicators, then this is not good sexual behavior.

If what you do is what your partner wants rather than what you yourself desire, then it is not good sex.

If you were enjoying this kind of sexual activity originally, but now you are not enjoying it and it continues without stopping, then this kind of sexual activity is not good sexual activity.

How did you feel afterwards?

If you feel ashamed, then this is not good sexual behavior.

If you feel disgusted, then this is not good sexual behavior.

If you feel that everything is over (and you don't need to do it again for the time being), then this is not good sexual behavior.

Well, it sounds quite negative! So when would it be good?

When you truly desire to engage in sexual activity, such activity is good. It is mutual, pleasurable, and interconnected. You carry out the sexual act in a way that makes you feel good at all times, and it makes you feel that your life has improved as a result.

The same is true for those more specific desires. What is driving them?

For instance, a man wants to watch his wife having sex with another man. This stems from his deep-seated sense of shame, wondering if he doesn't deserve such a woman. Or is it because being a third party and observing his wife's sexual experience allows him to perceive the excitement and pleasure of sex from a different perspective? If it's the former, then the driving force behind this desire might be unresolved negative emotions; if it's the latter, then the root cause of this desire is positive.

Let's take another example. Suppose a woman wants to be sexually submissive. Is this because she is too shy to express her desires and hopes that her partner will take control so that she doesn't have to speak at all? Or is it because submission can enhance her sexual desire and pleasure (she has already discussed this issue in detail with her partner)? If it's the former, then it stems from a negative state; if it's the latter, then it stems from a positive state.

Let's take another example. Suppose someone tries hard to make their partner reach orgasm, but fails. They keep trying because they believe that if their partner doesn't reach orgasm, they have "failed"? Or because they enjoy the experience of pleasing their partner, regardless of the outcome (and knowing that their partner will let them know anyway)? If it's the former, then this expectation is negative; if it's the latter, then this expectation is positive.

So you can see, the issue is not whether a particular behavior is good or bad, but rather the factors that drive those behaviors. As long as you maintain self-awareness and share openly with your partner, almost any behavior can be acceptable (provided it is rational and legal).

Pay attention to your feelings before and after sexual activities. You will gain a deeper understanding of yourself. Share with each other and support each other. You will find that you can clear the negative emotions related to sex. Of course, if you find it difficult, you can consult professionals like me. I will help you find the light and make you clearer!