If a few years ago you had told me that I would be confident enough to dominate my partner, including my wayward husband, I would have laughed myself silly. I still remember the awkwardness, the embarrassment, the anxiety when I first tried to be the "female lead" - I didn't know how to control it, especially when facing someone who was larger and stronger than me. I didn't know how to start a BDSM scene, what to include, or how to end it. What if they refused? How could I punish them without hurting them? Anxiety seeped into my voice, my posture, and my energy - my "female lead" didn't trust me, and I didn't trust myself either.

Why are women more likely to have difficulty learning to be confident?

Some people are more likely to acquire dominance because they have witnessed typical examples of such ability. For instance, in society, men are usually instilled with the notions of leadership, control, and domination. They are exposed to the image of powerful men, are taught to be confident, and rarely face any consequences for doing so.

On the other hand, women are taught to be gentle, well-mannered and easy-going. We are given dolls and told to smile and not to be domineering. When we see powerful women in the media, they are often depicted as cruel or manipulative.

So, when a woman attempts to access her dominant energy, she doesn't have a framework. She tries to perform a tango that she has never seen before. This doesn't mean she can't become an excellent dancer - it simply means the starting point is different.

So now? I usually come out on top. And I'm extremely good at this. Most of the time I still prefer to obey, but it turns out that I'm a very effective dominant woman - and this skill has also changed other aspects of my life.

It was all these things that helped me grow from a child lacking confidence and shyness into a 4-foot-11-inch-tall person who could make a man strip naked and kneel down begging me to please him.

1.Change your perception of dominance.

You don't have to rely on strength or aggression to demonstrate power. If you are of a smaller build, physical dominance might come across as theatrical or even false. The good news is: BDSM is not a fair fight. You don't have to shout loudly to create a profound and genuine power dynamic.

Secrets of Power: Utilize psychological techniques such as anticipation, subtle gestures, and confident composure. Your power lies in your presence, not in your muscles.

2. Studying female-led role models and media

You can't master something you've never seen. Observing the dominant female characters you admire - whether in pornographic films, movies, books or educational works - can build your mental framework. It can help you identify language, tone, rhythm and posture.

Practical Tip: Create a carefully selected folder to gather the dominant female archetypes, scenarios or resources that can invigorate you. Review it before playing the game.

3. Practice mental control

Understanding your followers is your most powerful weapon. What excites them? What scares them? What motivates them? Use behavioral techniques such as training, refusal, posture correction, rules, praise and punishment. Control your thoughts, and your body will naturally follow suit.

Strong reminder: Question: "What kind of behavior would make you feel like it's a reward? What would make you want to obey me?"

4. Utilize visual and sensory tools

Your clothing, tools and the surrounding environment can instantly change the scene. If your partner is naked, kneeling or blindfolded, while you are fully dressed, this already creates an imbalance of power. Props, sensory deprivation, lighting, music - all of these will enhance your control.

Strong reminder: Select a prop, costume or environmental change to enhance your next scene. Minor alterations = significant impact.

5. Embrace Pause: Slow is Strength

At first, I always rushed through things. I didn't know what to say next or what to do. Now I understand: silence is the suspense. Slow steps, quiet stares, a cunning smile - all these can create a tense atmosphere, giving you time to plan.

Practical Tip: Make silence an integral part of your script. Silence is more powerful than shouting.

6. Take on the leading role

If you feel vulnerable when exerting your queen energy, then play a role. You can play a fierce role: a strict teacher, a cunning villain, or a manic fairy queen like Harley Quinn. Keeping a distance allows you to fully experiment without overthinking.

Practical tip: Choose a character. Incorporate one of their common phrases, a gesture, or a tone. No need for costumes; just show the attitude.

7. Negotiate like a professional

What changed everything for me? Clear negotiations. Understanding the limits, desires, quirks and triggers of the other party means you don't have to guess. You can create a safe and confident experience.

Practical tip: Use the sexual preference negotiation form. After subscribing to the newsletter, I will provide you with a free copy - it has completely changed the way I present my scenarios.