Dear Dr. Happy Pi:

Recently, I met a man on a dating website. He was a bit younger than me, but I don't really care about that anymore. When we started chatting, I asked him his surname and it sounded familiar, so I asked if he had any relatives living near my son. I mentioned my son's name and he said he knew my son and his wife. One of his grandchildren and my grandchildren were classmates.

Let's move on to a more private topic. That is, the threesome. After his divorce, he did it once. For me, it's no problem. What happened before is none of my business. My issue is with whom he had sex with. My son and my daughter-in-law. So I'm extremely dissatisfied. Words like shock are not enough to describe my emotions. I originally thought they were the most ordinary sexual partners I could imagine. According to the new man, they had sex on several dating websites and so on.

Since I discovered it, I haven't seen them again. This must be very upsetting. I don't want to bring it up, but just knowing about it makes me feel strange.

Now let's talk about that man. I began to truly like him. But how could I continue to be in a relationship with someone who has slept with my family? We agreed that we would never bring this up again. I have been widowed for three years. I went on a few dates last year, but only this one seemed to go beyond the realm of a date.

OK, let's solve a few problems right away.

First of all, if this situation seems familiar to you, it's not only because "having my son/daughter's partner" is quite common in pornographic films, but also because recently Dan Savage answered a question about a man who discovered that his boyfriend had engaged in a threesome with his parents, and he didn't know how to handle it. So obviously this is...

Secondly, my general stance on potential fake letters and scenarios is quite simple: I'm not overly concerned. Although there are indeed some people who use advice columns or sub-sections for creative writing practice (or for fun), most fake letters are quite obvious. For those that are "unmasked", my feeling is that if readers can potentially gain some practical value from reading a letter that might have actually happened or not, then it is valuable, regardless of whether the author is just sitting there saying "Gotcha!" 。 Moreover, in terms of the nature of the advice column, most of the letters received are merely theoretical exercises for other readers and have nothing to do with the objective reality of the events described.

Now these problems have been resolved. It seems that there are two issues at play here.

First of all, when you realize that you might prefer not to know certain things about a family member, you will be shocked. I believe that one of the most important gifts you can give to a family member is "not knowing the things you don't need to know". Regarding the lives of parents or children, there are many things that people usually don't need to know, especially when these things have no direct connection with irrelevant people. For many people, this is a field full of subtle differences. For example, knowing that your family member is a polyamorous person or is involved in a polyamorous triangle relationship could be useful information. This can make it easier for you to understand the family dynamics, realize that your child has not betrayed their partner (or has not been betrayed), and likely involve issues such as notification, close relatives, or authorization letters in emergency situations. On the other hand, if someone's family members are hostile towards anything other than strict monogamy and heterosexuality, this could also be a problem.

However, "your child having sexual preferences with their partner, or practicing a mutually voluntary non-monogamous relationship" is almost always "something you don't need to know", and often turns out to be "something you'd be happier not knowing". These matters don't require parents (or children) to be aware of them, and in most cases, these things are what parents or children don't want to think about in their minds. Even those with positive views on sexuality, do not necessarily need or want to know what their friends and relatives do in private; remaining calm about their choices does not equate to understanding.

Unfortunately, in this situation - this time, it's not the fault of the writer - you discovered something about your son and daughter-in-law that you would rather not know. Unfortunately, in terms of their sexual orientation, you simply cannot remain unaware of it, unless through advanced scientific techniques, experimental brain surgery, or consuming a large amount of "invisible juice". However, the good news is that this fundamentally won't change you or them; it won't affect your relationship with them, nor will it cause any inherent harm or negative impact on their lives. If there's any difference, it's that this is clearly a good thing for them; having sexual adventures in their lives actually contributes to the stability and longevity of their relationship. So, although you are troubled by these extremely cursed pieces of knowledge, at least you can recontextualize them as "This can improve their lives, make their relationship better, and be very beneficial to them."

Then, as much as possible, this particular awareness should be buried deep in one's memory.

Now, as for your new boyfriend... Well, to be honest, it all comes down to boundaries - which boundaries you can cross and which ones you cannot. This is a very personal issue that can be difficult for people to sort out. In this area, there is hardly, if ever, a universally applicable stance. For instance: I once firmly stated "You cannot boss others around", which included specifying who could date your ex, who couldn't. However, personally, I think dating someone who also had a relationship with a member of my immediate family is too much. Having a common sexual partner with someone you met in a social setting is one thing, but having a common sexual partner with family members reaches the point of "Well... yes, it's not for me", and it's hard for me to imagine getting along well with such a person. Especially if these family members are my parents, or (theoretically) my children. In that case, crossing the stream seems to be an excellent way to trigger a complete 180-degree change.

So, unfortunately, in this situation, I really can't give you an answer. When your son and daughter-in-law find out about your future new boyfriend - not if, but when - the possibility that things could become very bad seems to be higher than the level of risk I consider acceptable, especially when there isn't a relationship between you and your son and daughter-in-law where you can openly and honestly discuss sexual experiences. This also requires being able to distinguish the bad aspects of the situation, so that all the relevant parties (obviously, except your significant other) can handle the issue of "I don't want this image to appear in my mind" properly, and this issue is also very high.

If you can sit down and have a serious talk with them, and find a solution that won't make all the concerned parties unhappy... Well, good luck to you. Personally, I think there are thousands upon thousands of eligible single people out there, and most of them wouldn't want to "complete the set". Although I believe this guy is very cute, there must be other equally excellent people out there who haven't had a threesome with your immediate family. I suggest you find such a person.

Good luck to you.