Hello, doctor.

I got married to my best friend nine years ago. I have always known that I have a strong sexual desire. We have slept in separate beds for the past five years. My wife doesn't like to be touched, kissed, or even hugged. In the past two years, we only had sex once a month, and for the previous three years, we didn't have any at all. My sex life was extremely repressed. Even when we had sex a few times, my wife would only make me ejaculate quickly.

My wife refuses to talk about why she doesn't want to have sex. She doesn't want to go for counseling and doesn't want to discuss how to make our marriage public. I care deeply about her and ensure that she feels valued and doesn't need me to do more. I don't want to leave my family, but I know a companion who I really want to spend time with. If I can do this carefully, is this not bad? In my opinion, it's better than abandoning my family. In my view, I'm just looking for a way to satisfy my unmet needs and ultimately help me stop resenting my wife. I need your honest opinion.

Sincerely

That was really a bad situation, TLM. I feel deeply sorry for you. When the person you love not only cuts off the intimate relationship you desire, but also seems not to want to discuss the issue at all, let alone find a way to solve it, it's truly frustrating.

Of course, it's completely understandable that you feel frustrated. You have every right to want to have sex with your wife, especially a intimate relationship. Your wife also has the right to refuse if she doesn't want to have sex... But she even refuses to discuss this matter with you. This is very disturbing, especially since you both knew from the beginning that sex was an integral part of this relationship.

If your wife can at least provide some information about what happened and what changes occurred, it would be very helpful. For instance, she (or you, or both of you) might have developed sexual attraction and friendship into a romantic relationship, and tried to maintain the connection, but the sexual passion never became as intense as before, and gradually faded over the course of several years. Or, she might have always been asexual and only recently became aware of or accepted this. Or — this is a less pleasant option — she might not be uninterested in sex, but not interested in having sex with you.

Of course, it is also entirely possible that she has no idea why all this is the case. It's just that she feels that way, and that's how things are. However, part of the problem lies in the fact that she doesn't seem to recognize that this is important to you, and she also doesn't seem willing to discuss these matters.

At the same time, I also hope that you can include the suggestions or methods (if any) that you have proposed or tried to address this particular gap. Sometimes, so-called solutions may actually make the situation worse, especially when the compromises involve behaviors that make people with low libido feel exploited, or when their needs or desires are not taken into account. If she feels that no one has listened to her so far, I can understand why she might think there is no need to continue discussing this issue.

In fact, this is indeed a very difficult situation. When one person decides unilaterally to cut off their sexual relationship with you - regardless of the reason - it is inherently unfair. And when you receive many responses that are basically "Forget it" or "Leave", it is especially infuriating.

Unfortunately, you are faced with a series of bad choices, and you must choose the least bad one... and this can be very difficult to do.

I know that I previously said that infidelity is not necessarily the worst thing in a relationship. I admit that sometimes, in order to maintain this relationship, doing what you must do instead of allowing your emotions to develop into resentment and bitterness towards your wife is the most kind and least bad choice. But I don't think divorce is the worst option either. Sometimes, leaving is indeed the most kind option you can make. You know your situation better than I do, so you must make the decision yourself. But before you make the decision, I think it's important that you keep your eyes wide open and fully understand the risks and potential consequences involved.

You said you don't want to leave your family - although you didn't make it clear, this does imply that you have children. Even if it's just for the sake of the children, wanting to stay is understandable... But this doesn't mean that this is necessarily the best choice.

The children are not stupid or ignorant. They are far more insightful and sensitive than people think, and they can easily detect when there are problems between their parents. Living in the increasing resentment between both parents can cause various emotional traumas, especially because children are likely to think they are responsible for it. When you are too young to truly understand what has happened, you will feel responsible for your parents' unhappiness, which can be worse for them than a divorce. Divorce does not mean you will abandon them. If you and your wife can get along well as co-parents and maintain respect for each other in a non-romantic relationship, then divorce is the least bad option.

Now, if everything else in your relationship is going well, except for your wife's unilateral declaration that you two no longer have sexual relations... Well, yes, going to a sex worker is an option. Maintaining a continuous relationship with a specific companion is more beneficial than having private dates with others. The companion is more likely to keep a low profile and will not cause trouble or disrupt your life for their own interests. And the extramarital affair partner may eventually want a more open and honest relationship.