Enduring infidelity is a unique kind of pain. When the person you trust the most betrays that trust, you feel at a loss and don't know how to move forward.

When you are striving to overcome infidelity, you might immediately start to agonize: Should you keep the marriage, keep the relationship, or keep going with your life? This can be a tough choice, especially when you have a family and have just experienced such a severe heartbreak.

Although the betrayal of an extramarital affair can make one feel isolated and helpless, you are not alone. In fact, according to data from the General Social Survey (GSS), 20% of men and 13% of women reported having had sexual relations with someone other than their spouse during their marriage.

The impact of infidelity can last a lifetime, affecting not only the betrayed partner, children, and extended family, but also the cheater and the person they cheated with. When considering how to move on from infidelity, it is important to explore the personal impact of infidelity and the circumstances that led to it.

Getting Out of Infidelity: Putting Yourself First

Considering your own needs after experiencing betrayal such as a partner's infidelity is not selfish. Infidelity is a unique form of betrayal. It is important to understand how emotional or sexual infidelity affects you and how it might persist - whether physically, psychologically or socially.

Research shows that betrayal trauma, which is caused by close individuals, is closely related to a series of negative health consequences. In fact, a study on college students found that the impact of betrayal trauma on physical and mental health is greater than that of other forms of trauma.

Students who have experienced severe betrayal trauma are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, physical health problems and have more sick days.

When understanding the possible impact of your partner's infidelity on you, it is important to consider that the trauma of betrayal often involves emotional, physical, sexual, social and spiritual aspects. The emotional symptoms of trauma may include shock, denial, anger or rage, sadness or despair, guilt, shame, confusion, irritability, fear, inability to concentrate, avoidance, and so on.

From a physical perspective, those who have been betrayed may experience physical anxiety and unease, trembling, sweating, panic attacks, digestive problems, overeating or undereating, insomnia, nightmares, accelerated heartbeat, pain, fatigue, headaches or muscle tension.

Mentally, betrayal can make one feel angry with God, lose interest in or the right to pray or engage in religious meditation, feel isolated from the spiritual community or leaders, or develop a strong sense of being abandoned or betrayed.

In terms of sexuality, some spouses or partners who have been betrayed may experience a decrease in sexual desire, feel repulsed by the idea of sexual activity, feel ashamed of their own sexual desires or abilities, or feel forced to have sex with their partner for various reasons.

When reviewing your symptoms, it's also a good time to seek the help of a therapist. If you wish, a couples therapist can work with you and your unfaithful spouse or partner to address relationship issues; while an individual therapist can help you cope with the trauma brought about by betrayal (such as infidelity).

Stepping out of infidelity: Understanding the reasons behind people's extramarital affairs

After experiencing betrayal, once you take the time to focus on yourself and your own needs, the first step to moving past the infidelity is to examine the relationship and reflect on the reasons why people initially cheated. You might be tempted to simply turn and leave, but even if you do truly end the relationship or get divorced after experiencing infidelity, you can still learn important lessons by reflecting on what went wrong.

A thorough study of the reasons behind people's infidelity does not excuse the act of infidelity, but it can provide you with an explanation or some inspiration, allowing you to gain something in the process of trying to repair the relationship or moving forward.

The reasons why people cheat

1. Anger

Anger and revenge are common reasons for infidelity. When one party feels undervalued or ignored, they may vent their anger by interacting frequently with colleagues or engaging in sexual relationships. This allows the cheating spouse to regain a sense of balance after feeling inferior or degraded.

Those who commit infidelity often seek a sense of control when they feel powerless, helpless or indecisive in their relationships. The infidelity-prone party releases their anger through sexual thoughts or behaviors, essentially expressing a desire for revenge. They transfer the shame and humiliation they feel or unconsciously experience onto their unsuspecting partners, much like playing a game of emotional hot potato.

2. Insecurity

It is not surprising that low self-esteem is a common reason for people to cheat. When one party feels invisible in the eyes of the other, or is dissatisfied with themselves, the allure of attention from the other party can greatly stimulate the brain to produce chemicals.

With the emergence of social media and applications, it has become increasingly easy for people to quickly gain others' attention or to imagine what life would be like with someone else. This can quickly make the partner feel neglected and unable to find a way to regain the main focus of the partner.

3. Fear of Scarcity

The fear of scarcity can also be a factor contributing to people's infidelity. If there is a lack of sexual intimacy or attention in a relationship, especially if it is completely absent, the partner may fall into a survival mode based on fear, craving physical contact and connection.

It is important to clarify that this is not an excuse for infidelity, but the desire for connection is something that everyone has. People are naturally inclined to seek connection. When their connection with their primary partner is damaged (whether it is real or imagined), some people will enter into an intense self-protective mode.

This might involve establishing close relationships outside of the primary one in cases where the primary relationship fails. This primitive survival strategy could even cause the most intelligent minds to make short-term judgment errors, thereby leading the partner astray.

4. Boredom

Esther Perel, in her book "States: Reflections on Infidelity", points out that the reasons for people's infidelity are often directly related to boredom. She believes that as a response to the boredom in daily life, infidelity often aims to seek self-discovery. If life does not invest effort to maintain novelty and passion, it will merely become another dull day in paradise. Throughout one's life, there are various forms of travel addictions. This habit can be anticipated as long as it does not lead to infidelity; it can be healthy and even beneficial to a relationship.

The key to preventing a travel addiction from turning into infidelity lies in healthy communication. Boredom often stems from shame, anger or fear, eventually leading to infidelity, which is usually related to insufficient communication in a romantic relationship. Boredom can be anticipated, but communication and mutual growth can bring partners together instead of leading them down the path of infidelity.

5. Forbidden Fruit

Taboos or the desire for taboos can also be one of the reasons why people cheat. For some people, it is difficult to achieve sexual arousal unless it involves breaking the rules. When certain things are prohibited, such as having a partner outside of the relationship, this temptation can enhance sexual arousal, which corresponds to a sense of power and the satisfaction of escaping by chance. In other words, secrets can also be very sexy.

How to deal with infidelity: How to address the reasons behind people's infidelity

In the end, all the reasons for infidelity can be attributed to a simple concept: unmet needs. If you want to prevent or stop infidelity, marriages and other relationships must be based on a solid foundation of communication.

Just knowing the signs of infidelity or understanding the reasons behind it is not enough. It is crucial to understand your partner's needs and learn how to express these needs within the relationship. And don't forget that your needs - as well as your partner's needs - are constantly changing and require constant reflection.

In today's fast-paced culture, people tend to lose their way and have no time for such reflection and communication. But you must control your own needs and be able to communicate clearly with your partner.

When partners establish and strengthen this commitment to expressing their own needs, and discuss how to handle conflicting needs (as there will always be conflicting needs in every relationship), they build the necessary protective factors to prevent infidelity and lay a more solid foundation for a long-term happy relationship. This level of communication is also the key to overcoming infidelity.

Whether you decide to maintain this relationship or move on after the infidelity, understanding how to control your own needs and share them with others will be of great benefit to your recovery from the trauma of betrayal.