Hi, doctor! I want to figure out my problem. Why am I always unable to attract the "type I like"? Now I understand. The topic of "type" might have been discussed to death, but I truly believe that my "type" is more realistic for me, rather than some "crazy fairy-tale lover" or the type that is commonly expected of me in society.

My own characteristics are as follows: I am a neurodivergent male (with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and obvious autism), in my early 30s, nerdy, straightforward but not heterosexual, kind, good at conversation, highly sensitive to the culture of agreement and compassionate, fond of wearing interesting/lovely fashionable clothes, having many creative and prosocial interests in scientific and psychological topics, left-wing beliefs, etc.

The women I like share very similar traits in terms of personality, beliefs and physical appearance. Some are more bookish, some are unconventional, some have a gentle style, such as dyeing their hair, getting tattoos, piercing their ears, and various types of "fat girls", whether they have curvy figures or a plump body. It sounds like these women are all very cute and should be a good match. Many friends have said, "Wow, you're so stylish!" But my problem is that I seem to be only attracted to these types of women, and I have no attraction for others with different physical features. I have no sexual desire for slender or ordinary women. Over the years, I have consulted several psychologists, who assured me that I am not obsessed with my type (I have chronic anxiety and worry that I am a bad person obsessed with appearance). I hope I can be attracted to more different types of people because it's really hard for me to attract my "type".

I received a lot of likes on the dating app, so I did many things correctly in my profile and other aspects. But they weren't the people I truly liked. When I liked or swiped right for the types I liked, they didn't match me. I wondered if I was the kind of person they were looking for? Did I need to look more unconventional or avant-garde in terms of aesthetics/photos, get tattoos or piercings? I appreciate other people's aesthetics, but I don't know what these "accessories" can bring me. And I'm very sensitive to the pain from piercings/needle punctures, so I don't dare to try these now. If I drastically change my appearance just to attract others, I would feel it's not real.

As for real-life dating, I'm not very good at approaching people coldly. I prefer to meet potential dating partners through social circles or common interest groups, which is what is called "passionate approach". I like to establish contact first as a friend, and honestly express that I'm also interested in dating (and then ask if they would like to engage in more intimate activities). This is where I encounter the bottleneck. They don't sense my corresponding sexual interest (I don't use the word "friend circle" because I don't want to touch on the realm of power). Many friends have said that I'm very charming, have a good personality, and that they have a good opinion of my "mechanical" dating skills. But deep down, I feel that I'm "not enough" or "not worthy" of establishing a satisfactory dating/sexual relationship with the person I truly like? Over the years, I have received many psychological treatments and have been thinking that maybe I haven't found the feeling yet, and one day I will find it? Or maybe I can only accept some emotionally-related friendships, or form a romantic relationship with an asexual person (I have also encountered this before)? It feels like I should be grateful that I can find friends, and as a person with learning disabilities/neurodiversity, I am required to want a sexual relationship that is greedy or selfish.

Let's talk about types. This is a topic that is often discussed - often accompanied by quite a bit of criticism - but we rarely delve into why we have types and what attracts us to choose them.

When I work with people who are hard to get along with or who don't share my interests, I always start by asking them one question: to determine exactly what they want. I like to explain it this way: "If you had a fairy who could help you create the perfect partner from scratch, what would you think this person looks like and what kind of person would they be?" I usually focus more on personality and interests rather than the physical appearance of the ideal partner, but all the information collected can be useful... largely because it allows me to get to know the person in front of me better.

Look, something I've discovered over the years is that often the person we hope to be with is not so much the person we want to date, but rather the person we wish to become. Very often, the attractive qualities, personalities or interests we think a future partner should possess are actually the qualities, personalities or behaviors we ourselves desire. By finding a partner with these traits, we hope these traits can somehow balance us out, or pass on these traits to us in some way. This is one of the attractions of the fantasy in "The Mad Elf's Dream of the Girl"; she will enter our lives and bestow upon us those attitudes, behaviors or ways of thinking that we feel we lack or wish to have. Somehow, she will bring out the secret side of our hearts, which we are certain exists but for some reason we cannot reach.

And add oral sex as well. Because if even orgasm cannot be satisfied, then what is this considered as a self-improvement plan?

However, the problem with this attitude is that it always ignores the question "What benefits will this bring to them? ". We often overlook the fact that although the popular divas of the late 1980s told us that differences do not attract each other; in reality, we prefer people who are similar to us. We are most likely to resonate with those who have the same background, interests, experiences and values as us, and feel frustrated with those who are the opposite of us. So, you dream of teaching people how to become less rigid, more impulsive, and more casual. At first, they show almost no interest in you, and will not try to turn you into the ideal partner they envision.

Our body types can also cause problems. Part of the reason is that we often fail to consider why we like them... or even worse, try to ignore our true type. For instance, the fascination with Southeast Asian women is usually not related to a profound and lasting appreciation of the rich history and culture of their native countries, or to the growth experiences of getting along with them, but more related to the constructed image of them by others. This includes (wrong, racist) beliefs that Southeast Asian women are naturally or culturally more demure or "feminine" (therefore more willing to endure others' nonsense without complaint), and actually becoming the "best" trophy for the other party in that culture, even though they are outsiders.

At other times, the type we identify ourselves as often depends on how others perceive our partner, rather than the person we truly like. Many people - regardless of gender, including non-binary individuals - will actively pursue a partner because they align with the values of their friends, or the values they have been instilled with, rather than the person they truly like. They chase after the partner merely as a form of influence, rather than a genuine desire. Even worse, many people regard their true desires as a shameful sign; they prefer to treat the person they like as a dirty little secret for their private trysts, rather than openly declaring their affection for this person. If you don't like it, just get out.

There is no doubt that this is definitely a painful secret. That's why it's wise to seriously consider what you truly want and why you want it. Do you (referring to the general "you", not the specific "you", SIMWT) like athletic women because you want a partner who fits your active lifestyle? Or are you worried that if you date someone who doesn't have a model-like figure, what others will say, or are you worried about how you will view your own value and status?

However, this does not mean that people with specific types or preferences will naturally become infatuated with someone, or do so in order to make up for something or seek approval from others. Each of us, as individuals, will have some aspects that are more attractive to us than others, sometimes to the point of being repulsed. Sometimes, your type is actually just "The person I truly like is like this, I'm just not interested in X or Y's body shape/ hair color/culture/ etc.", and that's okay. However, you should try your best to understand yourself more deeply, as well as why you like what you like.

Since we have already talked about so much, let's delve deeper into your question, SITMWT. You like curvaceous women and overweight women, especially those with unconventional looks. Similarly, your ideal partner - if we go back to the elf test - should be someone who shares the same interests in social issues and social justice as you. Moreover, you seem to have explored the reasons that attract you very deeply, and you hope to ensure that you don't become interested in a partner for reasons other than true attractiveness and compatibility. This is great. You also seem to have mastered your image, style, and deportment, and always present your best self at the dating occasions. You have received a lot of positive attention from women on dating apps - and many people find it difficult to achieve this for various reasons - but it seems not from the person you most desire.

So where does this disconnection come from?

Well, I think the first issue is that you would be attracted to women who are considered unwelcome in our culture. The anti-obesity bias is real, and the widespread acceptance of this bias in our culture leads people to view fat people, especially fat women, as targets of social attacks. Because fat people are usually first regarded as fat rather than as individuals, they are looked down upon, at best regarded as suspect, and at worst treated as active sources of ridicule. This is especially true in dating; fat people, especially fat women, are regarded as ideal partners, or as those who want to date traditional handsome men. Such ideas are treated as comic material.

However, there are many men - including those who are extremely handsome - who desire to sleep with overweight women. The problem is that they will sleep with them... but they won't date them. The reasons are diverse, ranging from "This man is not mature enough; no matter what his buddies say, he can't stick to his own interests" to "Those men who think that overweight women desire sex / that sex is better because they have to do so / and they will tolerate bad treatment, because they have too few options, because they choose too little". Many women have experienced this situation, so it's understandable that they feel shy. And if you are usually someone with traditional attractiveness, then the woman you like might think this could be a trick or a trap, and be unwilling to take the risk, which is understandable. Just like many other challenges in dating, you must deal with the consequences of the bad behavior of the bad men.

The second issue might lie in how you present yourself on the dating app. Remember what I said about us being attracted to people who are similar to ourselves? This could be a problem, especially when people have relatively limited access to information. On dating apps, people first look at your photo, and then your profile. If your overall style is neat and tidy, even a bit frat-like, then you might have a hard time catching their attention and might not stand out as much compared to those with more unconventional looks who are active in progressive and radical fields, appearing more energetic. If this seems a bit shallow... well, that's true. However, our external appearance is usually a visual shorthand for our identity; we are actually presenting our identity directly. This often brings about some interesting disconnections; for instance, a guy who looks like a frat brother wearing Abercrombie & Fitch clothing turns out to be Robyn and a loyal fan of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians", which is quite common. However, on dating apps, especially those with a sliding mechanism that encourages people to make an immediate "yes" or "no" choice, most people will decide based on their first impression... and this is often "no".

On apps like Tinder and others that involve swiping, men still try to swipe right on as many women as possible, then filter out the matches to maximize the success rate. But this approach doesn't work. Many of the women you want to match with have had this experience: they match with a guy they genuinely like, only to find out later that the guy was never interested and was just using the algorithm.

The third issue is about dating apps. They are really bad in this regard, especially if you have many secrets deep inside or are not very good at showing yourself. 500 words are simply not enough to fully showcase your personality. That's why I always tell people that dating apps should be used as a supplement for meeting new people, rather than the main method.

So, how should you deal with all this? Well, let's start with the obvious. Having a style that better reflects your personality and interests can be very helpful. This doesn't mean you need to dye your hair, get piercings, or get tattoos for a date; if these aren't genuine for you, you'll only add to your troubles. However, looking less stereotypical, or more in line with the style that the woman you're interested in has, might be helpful. One way to achieve this is to be less conservative in your personal style, especially in the photos on dating apps. For example, instead of the typical heterosexual masculine look, try more colors, textures, and patterns in your clothes; bolder, brighter looks might help you break through your initial shyness and hint that you're not the ordinary heterosexual man who is afraid of colors other than black or gray.

Similarly, it would be very helpful to more prominently display these interests in your personal profile. I often talk about how to do "dating app search engine optimization" (SEO), that is, to showcase the things your ideal partner would be looking for in your personal profile. Even in some applications where you can't search based on interests or specific keywords, you should place these interests in the most prominent position - in a way that says "Oh, I understand, you also like this" rather than simply listing the keywords and expecting the best results. You want a personal profile that can demonstrate "I'm consistent in my words and actions, not just talking", in a way that makes people feel genuine and trustworthy.

But the best advice I can give you is to find the place where your ideal partner is most likely to be, and then go there to spend time together. As I said, online dating has its drawbacks, and one of the biggest is that it encourages people to stick to narrow boundaries. We tend to only date those who seem a perfect match on paper, but in the end we miss the chance to meet someone new. If we write everything down on paper, we often find that some people are completely the opposite of what we want. However, if we meet them with relatively fewer preconceived notions, we might discover that these people are just a joke.

Spending time in the places where your ideal partner frequents, becoming familiar with them and establishing connections within these circles, can help you meet and get in touch with the people you like. This, in turn, can assist you in building attraction and interest over time, rather than focusing solely on short-term attraction.

However, this also requires you to be willing to be honest about your interests and to express them in some way, indicating that you don't merely view them as potential sexual partners. The way you expressed it in the letter - "I prefer to establish a connection as a friend first, candidly expressing that I am also interested in dating (and then asking if they are willing to engage in more intimate activities)" - sounds somewhat indecisive or mechanical. If this is your first time expressing any sexual or romantic interest in someone, it's not surprising that you didn't receive a response from them. You need to clearly indicate that you find them attractive and desirable. In this case, what you need is action, not words. If you don't flirt, express appreciation, or otherwise show that you like them, then it's understandable that they may not respond to your interest. They may not even be aware that you are interested in them, causing any potential interest to gradually fade away.

By the way, at such times, a clear intention ("I like you, consider you a friend, and I want to date you") is more important and meaningful than the wording. I have seen many people express their interest using various social justice language or therapeutic speaking styles, attempting to cover up all the facts in various ways. The result is, at best, stiff and clumsy, and at worst, distant and insincere. Although I can understand the desire not to be misunderstood, especially as a person with neurodiversity, sometimes a slightly messy natural expression can more effectively and truly convey one's views.

Good luck to you.