This is the second question I submitted. I just want to thank you for your response to my first question a few years ago.

I have been dating a girl for about a month. We met in class during our university days. Before getting to the core of the issue, I'll first summarize the story. We hit it off immediately and quickly became good friends. Just before the end of the academic year (in early May), we both realized that we wanted to have a relationship that went beyond just being friends. Now, we have gone through a lot together, which has made us very close. We used to be just friends, but now we are boyfriend and girlfriend. However, there are a few key issues that I want to discuss with you and seek your opinion. Unfortunately, one of these issues, in my opinion, could be the reason for our breakup.

Essentially, she is a devout Catholic, while I am not. Naturally, this means she wants to wait until after having sex before getting married. However, a key issue is that her attitude towards this matter is somewhat inconsistent with me - today she is clear, but tomorrow she sends me scrolls saying what she wants to do with me or how much she desires to do it with me, so it's obvious that she has inner conflicts in this regard. Part of the reason is related to attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, which makes her more impulsive. (In her own words) Sometimes she values intense sexual desire more than values and beliefs. Another key issue is that for me, sex is ultimately an extremely important part of a romantic relationship. I really doubt whether I can achieve long-term satisfaction in this relationship. I also wonder how these dynamics will develop when we are no longer a long-distance relationship (we were long-distance this summer). Finally, she had sex with her ex, and she was honest with me. Although this cannot change the obvious fact that she has the right to set any boundaries in terms of sex, I cannot deny that whenever I consider the future of this relationship, I feel a strong sense of jealousy - this jealousy does not easily subside - it consumes me. This might be unhealthy for me, but I cannot deny its existence.

However... we love each other. When I say love, we can both show our best sides to each other. The reason why she is great is largely due to her firm belief, which makes her extremely caring and considerate towards me. She encouraged me to open up to her and listen carefully. She also saw me cry many times. She even said something like this: Even if I am so poor that it makes a clanging sound, she will still love me, and I have no reason to doubt the sincerity of her words. I am worried that if I break up with her, I will lose a girl who truly loves me and cherishes my original appearance, just as she obviously is - I don't necessarily worry about not finding another girlfriend, especially not about not finding a girl whose views on premarital sex are more in line with mine, but I feel that the bond between us is very rare. I truly love her, and I have the same feelings as her, which makes breaking up with her extremely painful.

I was also worried that she might, out of impulse, promise to have sex with me in exchange for me staying. But no matter what, I would never accept it because no one should change themselves or go against their core values just to be with me. If there is a sexual relationship for this reason, I would ultimately not feel happy. I ultimately hope that she lives a good life. Whether we are together or not, I will always care for her until I die. But considering what I just said, the breakup would be extremely difficult.

I urgently need some advice. Regarding this situation, should I try to salvage it or look for someone else?

Sorry for asking such a long question. Thank you very much for your reading.

Emotional Response:

OK, before I delve deeper into your question, I need to say this: Although your girlfriend is wonderful, she is not the only one who can love or care for you in such a way, nor is she the only one who makes you feel this way.

I hope you understand that when I say this, I'm not suggesting that your relationship is doomed to fail, or that because there are other women out there, you have to leave her. This is just the early manifestation of "monogamy addiction". I just want you to realize that she is not the only woman you can fall in love with, not the only one who can make you feel this way, and not the only one who is so wonderful. This thought is a trap, which leads many people to keep maintaining relationships that they should have ended. It also makes people obsessed with one person and miss out on other equally excellent, or even more excellent, people.

The second point I want to emphasize is that you can love someone deeply to the core, but this relationship might not be suitable for you in the end. Unfortunately, love is not rational and cannot guarantee compatibility between partners. People can be infatuated with each other, but they cannot become each other's ideal partners; although all poets and musicians have said that love cannot overcome everything or overcome all obstacles. Conflicts in lifestyle, values, or even just in the direction of life still prevent couples in passionate love from having a successful relationship. Some people, no matter how much they desire, cannot become suitable partners; they may be great lifelong friends, but they simply cannot reach the level required to be romantic partners. This is very bad and unfair, but as the song says: Sometimes, just having love is not enough.

The third thing I want you to understand is that the desire for sexual intimacy, especially the desire for physical and sexual closeness with your partner, is completely reasonable. Sexuality holds a priority in your relationship. When you and your partner have disagreements on sexual matters and you feel frustrated, this is completely wrong. It's also understandable that you feel a little jealous about sex. If you can't resolve this jealousy, it might become a problem. You must handle this feeling carefully, but it is entirely a normal and common human emotion.

After both of you have expressed your opinions, it's time to decide what to do next. This is the key point. In this field, maintaining a marriage requires both parties to compromise with each other. And - leaving aside jokes like "God's little loopholes" - someone has to make concessions for the matter to proceed smoothly. This might mean that you have to accept the fact that sexual activity in your relationship will occur later, or it might mean that she has to decide how she will firmly insist on waiting until marriage.

Or this might mean that you have to agree that this won't work. Although this might be very hurtful and bad, you two might not have a single path forward that doesn't impose a significant burden on each other. I know this is not what you want to hear, but you must be prepared to accept this possibility. Sometimes, the other party simply refuses or is unable to accept a compromise solution, and yet can still feel happy. In such cases, whoever makes the sacrifice reaches a critical point where this compromise becomes a stumbling block for the other party, a persistent discomfort that only gets worse over time until they can no longer bear it.

If this happens... unfortunately, things will stop here for the time being. Because the situation is like this: sometimes the problem is not that you and your partner are not compatible with each other, but that you and your partner are not compatible at this moment. Two people may not be compatible with each other now, but in the future life, when they both have time to grow and learn, they will be compatible. And it should be clear that: this does not guarantee that you two will be able to get back together in the future. This is just acknowledging that "goodbye" does not mean forever. You can still be in each other's lives, even as important figures in each other's lives, and agree that in the future, if you are single and she is single, you two can go back to the past and see how things have changed.

At the same time, you cannot abandon your life just because you hope this thing will happen. If you break up, both of you must respect the arrangement of the breakup and be willing to move forward, to meet other people, rather than hesitate for fear of the worst. Doing so will only hinder your own growth and also hurt those who sincerely want to establish a relationship with you.

I know this is not what you were hoping to hear, and I'm truly sorry for that. Sometimes, there simply aren't any good, clear answers that can give you everything you want; often, the only solution is chaotic, complex, and sometimes even painful. But this pain doesn't mean your relationship is over. This part of your story may come to an end, but a new chapter is about to begin. Your relationship with her won't be the same as it is now, but that's not a bad thing; it's just a new relationship.

Have a serious talk with her to ensure that you both understand each other's positions. This will help ensure that you make decisions that are correct for both of you.

Good luck to you.