Hello, doctor.

I hope you can help me figure out what to do in my current situation.

Both my girlfriend and I are virgins. We've been in a relationship for two years. Things have changed now. Recently - about two years ago - we ended our long-distance relationship and finally started living together. Since I moved in, she has become increasingly obsessed with sex.

In short, I don't want to have sex yet. When I refuse her, she always respects my request (otherwise, I would have broken up with her the first time she refused me). But when I refuse her, she seems to get very angry. She becomes increasingly agitated every time. She even started telling others that I don't want to have sex with her, and even said so to others during casual conversations... Both privately and publicly.

To be honest, I almost shouted at her, but I didn't want to be the one to escalate the situation to that point. I definitely don't want to have arguments. This really makes me sad because I feel like she doesn't respect my boundaries.

It is worth noting that I still masturbate frequently and my sexual desire remains strong. However, I feel that I'm not ready yet, unlike her. Before going to work today, she even threw a condom to me and said, "Use this tonight."

thank you

Buddy, hurry up and break up with her. Do it right now.

I hope you can include more information in your letter, such as how old you two are and why you don't want to have sex yet. This is not because there is any difference in your reasons - you can use any reason you choose to decide that you're not ready - but because this way you can more easily figure out how to tell her that you don't want to have sex with her right now.

But in fact, whatever you say to her doesn't matter, because the answer is to end this relationship as soon as possible. First of all, your sexual life is completely incompatible with hers. We usually consider sexual compatibility to mean that the desires, needs, and sexual preferences of two people are exactly the same, or that their sexual desires are relatively similar. But another element of sexual compatibility is your feelings about sex, especially the sexual aspect of your relationship. She wants to have sex right now. You're not ready, and you haven't clearly stated how long it will take for you to be ready. Just this alone is enough to show that you won't succeed. Your current situation is unfair to you and to her. She would prefer to be with someone who is ready for sex, while you would prefer to be with someone who is willing to wait. The most compassionate approach is for you to break up, so that you can find someone who is suitable for each of you.

Even so, there is another issue here that is even more significant than the difference in your sexual experiences, and this issue is even more disturbing.

I would like to draw your attention to what you said, SaU: "When I said no, she always respected my decision (otherwise, if she did it the first time, I would have broken up with her). But when I refused, she seemed to get very angry."

First of all: Being angry because you refused - even if she didn't ask for more - goes against respecting your refusal. She did the same as many people in harmful relationships: she gave you the chance to say "no", but she clearly stated that this wasn't the answer she wanted. Now she will punish you until you say "yes", because it's easier for her to do this than to deal with the consequences of saying "no".

But there were also her other actions: bringing up issues about your relationship with others to humiliate you, throwing away condoms and telling you that you were going to sleep with her tonight... This is too bad, it's unacceptable, and it's coercive.

What she did was to try to make you change your mind, but she didn't actually ask you to do so. By making a fuss - getting angry, demanding explanations, deliberately bringing up the matter in front of friends and strangers to embarrass you - she tried to force you to agree, even if that wasn't what you wanted. Unfortunately, this is a shocking common tactic. Sometimes it has an implicit threat. Sometimes it has an explicit threat. Most of the time, it simply ignores the fact that others say no and keeps asking "So... how about now? How about now? How about now? Oh, you didn't mean that last time, so how about now?"

Whether you frequently engage in masturbation or whether your sexual desire reaches its peak only when you are fully ready, it doesn't matter. If a man does this to his partner, it is definitely a bad behavior; if a woman does this to her partner, it is equally bad.

Now I admit this: You two sound too young. Your girlfriend might have already believed the statement that "all men are sexual predators" and can't understand why you still haven't slept with her. She might not be aware of how bad her behavior is. But this ignorance doesn't make her behavior better; not realizing what she has done to you doesn't mean she can't stop. If - this is a big "if" - you think she is doing it out of ignorance, then you need to sit down with her and have a long conversation about setting boundaries. You need to tell her that you have something to say, that you need her to listen to everything before she speaks. Then explain everything clearly: why you aren't ready to sleep with her yet, when you might be ready, why her behavior makes you unhappy, and - most importantly, why she needs to stop this "always loving me" kind of sexual behavior.

Now it's up to her to make a decision. Either she respects your wishes and boundaries... or she gets out of here.

To be honest, I'm in favor of the latter option. But who knows? Sometimes people can surprise you with something unexpected.

Good luck to you.