I have been married to an amazing wife for 20 years, but last year things changed dramatically. She is 47 and I am 59. We are about to become empty-nesters.

Over the past six months, I have learned that in 2022 she went through many difficult experiences. During that period, she quit her job at the company and started working at an animal center; she lost 30 pounds and got a cute hairstyle; she might have entered the pre-menopausal stage; and she also quietly ended this marriage.

In March 2024, I began to suspect that there was something wrong with their marriage, and this suspicion grew stronger over time. Just one week before she went abroad for a business conference, I found a yellow thong in her underwear drawer. I had never seen it before. When she was away, I called her and asked her about this matter, but she replied, "Do you have any photos?"

I think this reaction is a bit strange; the day she came back, we started receiving psychological counseling and it continued on. We had both individual and group counseling, which was very helpful. Our relationship became stronger and stronger, and some issues that we should have solved long ago were finally addressed.

My wife insisted that she was innocent, and I did notice other possible signs indicating her infidelity. However, she claimed that she had never worn a sexy thong.

Last night during the consultation, we did reach some sort of compromise. My wife insisted that she was innocent, and I also made a compromise and said that the explanation for the thong might be a narrative of infidelity, but it could also be a narrative of poor communication; no one has ever explained this to me before.

In the face of all the confusion brought about by these issues, my question is - how can one determine if your wife might be experiencing a midlife crisis? I asked this question because my wife falls into the category of what is called a "disordered child"; her father had abusive emotional behavior, the family was dysfunctional, and when my wife was a teenager, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and her mother had also suffered physical abuse. It seems that my spouse indeed fits the typical characteristics of someone experiencing a midlife crisis.

At the beginning of the consultation, the counselor told me that she believed my spouse might have experienced childhood trauma.

To be honest, KDT, I don't really like using phrases like "quietly ending" to describe marital and romantic relationships. To be fair...

(To be honest)

…… I think this word is offensive even in a business context because "quiet resignation" usually implies "refusal to work overtime and unwillingness to undertake tasks beyond one's job responsibilities". Using this term to describe emotions can lead to various unpleasant (hopefully unintended) consequences and ultimately only confuses the facts. Especially since you seemed not to notice the change in her behavior until two years later...

The use of such ambiguous language to describe the problem is partly due to the fact that it makes it difficult to accurately assess the progress of events and her behavior. This makes it hard for you to determine exactly what happened and whether you were correct – she may have cheated – or if something else occurred, leading to a series of absurd misunderstandings. The same is true for "having experienced a lot of bad things"; some of the bad things she experienced may be related to her behavior and provide reasons for viewing things in a certain way.

Now, if I understand correctly, a more accurate statement would be that she has given up, or seems to have lost interest in marriage. This is a reasonable reason for concern. The same is true for those changes. A person suddenly makes a huge change to their appearance, becomes more determined to lose weight... These are all traditional signs indicating that she might be taking measures to return to the dating scene.

But this is not always the case. Sometimes, it is a matter of a complete break or a change in the environment, and eventually one may feel a renewed sense of purpose and clarity of thought. Think of "The Incredibles"; the complex part of the story lies in that Bob (Mr. Incredible) was forced to retire and led a suffocating life. When he had the opportunity to return to his superhero life (unfortunately, it was carried out secretly), his emotions suddenly returned to a more fulfilling time in life. He started exercising, wore different clothes than before, was more energetic and vibrant... And this was exactly what Helen (Mrs. Incredible) thought he might be deceiving her about, and this idea was not completely without reason.

For instance, if you are engaged in a job that is extremely exhausting or causes severe burnout, you are likely to forget the things that were once important to you. You no longer care about your appearance as much as before, and you don't put in as much effort into life as you used to, etc. It's simply because you feel that each day is like being bound by a vampire, and this vampire is gradually draining your life. If you reach a point where you either break free from the bondage or find a way out, that feeling is like being reborn. Let me tell you: There is nothing that can make me feel better immediately like quitting a job that is extremely bad, and this wonderful feeling is enough for me to say: "Damn, I need to make some changes."

The same is true for the important milestones in life. Part of the reason we talk about the midlife crisis is that people are generally busy working for a living, focusing on survival rather than living, and have lost the dreams and optimism of their youth. When you wake up one day and suddenly realize that you are 40 years old (or 50 or...), and that the years ahead are longer than the present ones, you might ask "What's wrong with me?" and want to change the situation. The same is true for the upcoming empty nest period. After raising children for several decades, suddenly you can no longer play this role in the same way, which can be a real shock to the entire system. This is precisely the kind of thing that makes people say "Well, now I'm no longer the '$PARENT', I want to be whoever?"

Now things started to get strange - and strangely enough, for no apparent reason - when a thong was found in her underwear drawer. Discovering new underwear doesn't necessarily mean infidelity; sometimes people buy it simply because they find it sexy, that's what they want. However, denying its existence - and asking "Do you have a picture of it?" - is perplexing. Saying "Hey, there's a reasonable explanation for this" is one thing. Directly asking "Who should I believe, you or your deceptive eyes?" is another.

Even so, I was still able to find a reason to explain this. As someone with memory disorders and related impulse control issues due to ADHD, I found some clothes in the closet that I had completely forgotten I bought several years ago. Therefore, I could imagine your wife being completely unsure of what you were saying, and then asking for photos, either to jog her memory or to say "Dear, that's a thong, not a thong".

But even so... it's still rather strange.

In my opinion, what you ultimately want is comfort - is all of this a series of unlikely but explainable coincidences, or a sign of a midlife crisis, or perhaps she's been cheating? It does sound like a midlife crisis, and she has bipolar disorder, which makes a lot of things make sense.

In conclusion, in this situation, you have every reason to suspect. I will definitely not blame you for thinking that your wife might have betrayed you. Although the evidence is not 100% conclusive, it does strongly point in this direction. Another issue is that your wife is a bipolar disorder patient, and she might have suffered from abuse or trauma during her childhood. This can also explain some things; people in a manic phase usually behave in a disordered or abnormal manner, sometimes they almost cannot clearly understand the reasons, and later they often almost forget. So, yes, in addition to other life problems, this can also explain the manic fluctuations that occur after long-term depression.

However, now I'm going to ask a question that a relationship advice columnist should never ask: Are you absolutely sure you want to know the answer? After all, the evidence is not conclusive, there are other possible explanations, and at this point, you have more or less already said "Okay, I accept that you haven't cheated." This does not mean that the matter is resolved, but at least it implies that you have agreed to let it go.

To be honest, you and your wife have received couple counseling, and finally resolved the long-neglected issues. Your relationship has regained its vitality. I would never say that there should be no questioning of good things, but... Is it really beneficial to question the essence of the actions that ultimately improved the relationship? If she had suspicious behavior before, but the situation has improved now, and both of you are happy about it, then shouldn't you simply say: "Well, the midlife crisis did make your relationship tense, but in the end, it made your relationship better and stronger?"

Because, to be honest with you: I know many people who think they want to know, and I also know many others who only realize they need to know when someone forces them to. And in 99% of the cases... they would much rather remain ignorant and wish to return to a state of ignorance. Especially when they don't want to end this relationship.

Each relationship eventually becomes a story told by both parties - whether it's the conflicts that led to the breakup, or the struggles that ultimately brought them closer together. If your relationship has improved and you don't want to divorce, and her suspicious behavior has decreased, I think it makes more sense to choose the happier ending. Sometimes, the best and most fulfilling way to end a conflict is to say: "Yes, it sounds like she's working hard to solve some problems, and this has also allowed us to discover many issues that we should have addressed long ago. Although there is still a long way to go, the situation is improving, we love each other, and we are spending day by day."

Good luck to you.