Doctor, help me!

I happened to come across my boyfriend's astonishing search history on his computer... But let me give you some background information.

During the past year of our relationship, whenever we talked about the issue of sexual orientation, he would almost always mention several characteristics he likes about women: a skinny figure, a short height, extremely small breasts, a prominent posterior, blonde/brown hair, fair skin, and without "vulgar" tattoos or piercings... typical aesthetic standards of the millennial generation. I believe him because he has had previous romantic experiences and partners.

The problem is that the pornographic content he searched for was extremely diverse, ranging from the expected "young and petite Emo blonde girl accused of having sex" to the extremely unexpected and surprising "big-breasted Arab/black teenage girl" - if the latter refers to mature women rather than teenagers, I wouldn't think he was lying to me about his preferences, because mature women can easily be interpreted as a simple fantasy, and everyone has such fantasies. This kind of fantasy is neither feasible nor realistic, and is rarely acted upon. But now I'm a little worried. He just told me that his "preferences" exactly match all those traits in me... But wouldn't he not search for pornographic content featuring women with those traits?

Every time I mentioned considering dyeing my hair black (as a "goth girl"), getting more tattoos, wanting a bigger bust/adding weight, or wanting to get a tan... he would tell me not to do it, and his reasons weren't even to "keep my figure" but because he preferred another option/what I already had. But if he really liked a darker skin tone and a fuller figure - which was obviously at least his preference in pornographic films - then why did he keep constantly and effectively persuading me to think otherwise? To be honest, I lack a sense of security and have become quite stubborn in these past few months, so this issue has become a common topic for me.

Why do men have specific tastes when dating women in real life, but have a different preference for the sexual ways they truly enjoy? Why don't they fully enjoy the women they fantasize about in reality? Most men are very indulgent in sex, especially this guy... So why should they limit themselves from pursuing what they truly desire?

Anyway, now my fear that I will never be the person he truly desires has increased by a million times.

Welcome all ideas and suggestions!!

OK. If you all want to know another reason why "peeping means you'll discover something you'd rather not know", here's a good one.

It's very simple, NHF. If your question is "Does he want me, or does he want the kind of women he searches for on PornHub?", then the answer is... Yes. Both of them want it? Both of them want it. It's good that both of them want it.

But I suspect that what you really want to ask is "Does his masturbation towards other women mean that he prefers to be with people who look like them?", and the answer is no. We tend to think that masturbation towards something is what we truly desire, but this is not the case. Of course, the truth is not as people imagine. In fact, people often struggle with the distinction between a person's public life and their private (especially their inner) behavior.

One of the most common examples is "a fierce-willed feminist who refuses to seek forgiveness from men, and who doesn't accept men's nonsense. Privately, she is a submissive person / likes to be spanked / has fantasies of being raped". None of these are strange quirks or fetishistic behaviors - in fact, they are quite common - but they are completely contrary to the lifestyle and values that the person claims to have, making them seem like an internal contradiction. How could she possibly like being tossed around like a toy and also like being spanked like a naughty child? Well... because human nature is complex, and what makes us exclaim "Wow" is not always in complete alignment with our values outside the bedroom.

Oh dear, sometimes the things that excite us are precisely because they are contrary to the values of our daily lives. Taboos, mistakes, and forbidden sexual attractions, as well as the sexual attraction that transcends the "dark side" (if you will, the definition of the "dark side" is diverse), have long been understood by people. We know that doing things that we "shouldn't" do brings a kind of naughty stimulation, and sometimes this juxtaposition allows us to experience unprecedented pleasure. This does not mean that we are, to some extent, lying to ourselves about the values we claim, or that we are not truly adhering to these values. It simply means that humans are basically a pile of charged cassava, driving a body armor, so sometimes the things that excite us and the things we do while wearing pants are not exactly the same, and this is not strange.

Similarly, people often have sexual fantasies that can cause their sexual desire to soar beyond the limits that the endocrine system can handle. But they don't want to express these fantasies in real life. When they are alone with Rosie Palms or Buzz All-in, these fantasies might make them ejaculate like a rocket. But if there's an opportunity to do it in real life, these fantasies will immediately cause them to become erect. Because, hey, humans are so strange. Isn't that great?

However, another common example - which often occurs in romantic relationships - is when someone masturbates to pornographic films that do not match their sexual behavior, or to pornographic stars who look completely different from their partner. This seemingly contradictory situation often leads people into a strange vortex of insecurity, largely because... well, we tend to forget that humans can hold multiple viewpoints simultaneously. Moreover, since we are not artificial intelligence that will be defeated by logical paradoxes, sometimes these viewpoints seem to contradict each other. This is particularly evident in the question of what - or who - excites us.

Just think about it: Many women will enthusiastically covet the actors of "Magic Mike", but they might also fall in love with an older man with a muscular build, a K-pop star, or a cute girl with an "UwU" expression, and they might even get all worked up about it. This doesn't mean they are lying when they say they like any of them. It simply means that their attractiveness and sexual arousal capabilities are much stronger than people imagine.

The same is true for men. Men of different genders and sexual orientations are fully capable – and often do – of being attracted to different "types", whether that type is "big-breasted goth girlfriend", "slender blonde girl", "curvaceous mature woman", BIPOC, Middle Eastern and North African people, Southeast Asians, or any category you can think of. Although some people – regardless of gender – are very stubborn about their own attractiveness and only get attracted to specific types, most people tend to be different. They may have their preferred type, but this does not mean they will not be attracted to other types. It simply means that their preferred type usually has an advantage in the attractiveness determination, that's all. Any experienced player will tell you that having an advantage does not mean you will succeed every time.

Now I can stop here, but I'm not sure if this can satisfactorily answer your question. After all, you previously said that when you were shouting loudly about wanting to change your look, your boyfriend said "No, don't change". But now he's looking for... I don't know, either Mia Califa or Osah Loveley. What does this mean?

Well, to be honest? This means he is a sexually driven primate. That's it. For instance, he says he likes you, but your sexual life is scattered and not very committed. Then you find out that the pornographic content he searches for is mostly gay men, then it's a different story. In such cases, you might have reason to believe that your boyfriend's sexual orientation is more unstable than he is willing to openly admit or admit himself. But - assuming your sexual life is pleasant, he is passionate about your body, obviously enjoys your body, etc. - it's actually quite normal for him to search for women who are not like you.

Here's the situation: Humans are, on the whole, a species that seeks novelty. We can adapt to anything, no matter how strange or bizarre it is. At a certain point, novel, unusual, or distinctive things become known and normal, and they no longer trigger the same chemical reactions in our brains as new things do. This is true of everything in life, especially when it comes to sex. People – whether male, female, or friends of non-binary gender – often prefer diversity in their sexual partners. This is called the "Cleveland Effect", named after a fictional story about President Cleveland and his wife.

The story goes like this: President Coolidge and his wife were visiting a government agency at that time, where they were observing the testing of new and more efficient agricultural technologies. When each of them was visiting separately, Mrs. Coolidge happened to spot a chicken farm where a rooster was having a fierce mating with a hen.

"How often does this happen?" Mrs. Culic asked. "Oh," the guide said a little embarrassedly. "Well, several times a day. Really dozens of times." "I see," she replied. "You must tell the president."

Then, President Coolidge was taken to the chicken farm. The rooster once again attacked the hen fiercely. When the guide conveyed Mrs. Coolidge's message, the president paused for a moment and asked, "Is it always the same hen?"

"No, Mr. President," the guide replied. "It's always a different hen each time."

"All right," the president said, "Please convey this to Mrs. Coolidge."

This story is fictional, but its effect is real and has been well-documented in both male and female members of multiple species, including humans. Having sex with a new partner releases a large amount of dopamine and oxytocin, which directly reach the pleasure center of our brain. However, over time, the levels of these hormones gradually decrease; we cannot obtain the same "pleasure" from sex with the same partner. But once we have sex with a new partner, the levels of these hormones will rise again.

The reason why I bring this up is that although we instinctively crave novelty and new sexual partners, this does not mean that our long-term partners will feel bored and wait for the opportunity to have sex with someone else. Sometimes, the way we satisfy this desire for novelty or different partners is through pornographic films. Just by opening the browser or placing the phone somewhere, and sliding your fingers quickly, you can satisfy your craving for change. However, this way does not violate our commitment to our partners, even if we once made a monogamous commitment to them. In fact, the desire for novelty is also the reason why people do not masturbate only to a specific porn star or a particular video. If it were so, then porn stars would not have such a rich and diverse acting career as they do now.

So coming back to the issue of your boyfriend: No, I don't think he's lying when he says he loves your body, or that you fit the type of woman he likes and has dated before. To repeat, as long as your sex life doesn't suddenly take a nosedive, or if his interest in you ever peaks and then drops to a low point, you can be sure that you are the one he likes, or the one he enjoys dating or forming a relationship with. He likes you exactly as you are. For him, changing who you are (just like how time changes everyone) is as difficult as adding a Groucho-style mustache to a Mona Lisa portrait.

(Though that being said: If you want to dye your hair, or if you think you should gain some weight, then go ahead and do it. I firmly believe in trying new and different styles to see if they suit him. This might mean that you are no longer his type, but if this style makes you feel good, he is likely to like the result.)

The pornographic films he watched featured women who were different from you. It's almost certain that it was because they were different from you. This fulfilled his desire for novelty and diversity, but in the end, it was just his own thoughts. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you or your body, or that he wants someone else. He doesn't prefer others more, but rather, apart from you, these things also excite him. This is a situation of "agreeing and then", rather than "replacing".

This is largely a "actions speak louder than words" approach; if his actions indicate that he still has feelings for you? Then, accept "OK, OK, OK!" as the answer. Tell him to clear the browser history or use a private browsing window when visiting websites.

Good luck to you.