Dear Dr. Happy Pi:

Three years ago, my love life was terrible. I wasn't a friendly person. I was selfish, self-centered, and always needed others to take care of me... I had all these traits. Even if I did have a relationship, it never lasted more than three months, and almost always ended with the other person ignoring me. And I clearly never understood what the other person meant, so I could only break up in the worst way. So I consulted a psychologist. Yes, this did have a significant impact on my life, but that's another topic.

In conclusion, after the tutoring ended, I met a woman who at that time I considered perfect. She made me feel better, and being with her was always very enjoyable. With her by my side, I never felt tired. She had a strong sexual desire (which meant we hardly slept), she introduced me to art and movies, and she openly praised my sexy and fiery appearance - all of which I had never experienced before... It was a wonderful year.

But later, both of our situations changed. She started her own business, while I lost my job. So it became very difficult to meet. I had no stable source of income, so I couldn't afford to spend two and a half hours on the bus every time to visit her. And suddenly, the time she spent with me decreased a lot because she had to devote all her energy to other things. Eventually, she gave up because she realized how complicated it was to maintain all of this.

I fell quite hard.

I had to undergo psychotherapy. I cried for many nights. My weight increased significantly. After her, I broke up with several relationships, simply because it wasn't her.

Ultimately, the situation improved. Now I understand that what I longed for (and still do long for sometimes) was the "her" of that time, who was so perfectly matched with the "me" of that time. We are no longer the people we used to be.

But after getting used to having sex almost every day and everywhere, the feeling of loneliness became much more unbearable. Somehow, I started playing the "one-night stand" game. It wasn't difficult for me to find someone to have sex with, but it always ended there. There was no second date, no "coming back for breakfast"... nothing. I began to worry that I was too afraid to open up my heart again, because no one could compare to my decent relationship. So, what could I do? Was I already on a dead end? In other words, how could I start a relationship?

Advance thanks.

There are several matters that need to be considered, SCS.

First of all, you will deliberately draw a clear line between one-night stands and potential romantic relationships. The people I know - whether it's myself or the clients I have worked with - can't count how many of them started their long-term relationships with a one-night stand, and... it really never ended. The techniques for helping you find people who are interested in one-night stands are the same as those for helping you find people who want more committed and long-lasting relationships. The only difference lies in how you apply them.

In fact, although it may sound strange, the bigger problem people face is maintaining a casual relationship; more people try to establish and maintain a casual and unconditional relationship, only to find that they have mistakenly grasped emotions.

So, if you so wish, you are not incapable of making this leap.

From a purely technical and mechanical perspective, the transition from "casual" to "committed" depends on the expectations you set and the way you interact with your partner. One of the reasons why one-night stands often remain one-night stands is that the partners don't invest much in each other. What they pursue is not establishing a connection with their partner, but rather obtaining pleasure. This means they treat the other person as a mannequin for masturbation. Focusing on building a connection, treating the partner as a person with needs and desires from the very beginning, and not just understanding them at the "let's be quiet for a moment" level, all of these can help you move from "It was nice, let's go now" to "I might want to see you again".

The problem is that many people tend to have just one-night stands. They wipe that thing on the curtain, and then leave before the sweat has dried. No wonder many people either don't like one-night stands or don't want to see the other person again.

But I think your bigger problem lies in the person you are pursuing. I want to know if you are truly interested in those people you sleep with, rather than just for sex. In my opinion, you haven't actively sought out someone as excellent as your ex; you might think it's meaningless, so why bother trying. This could be either "instant love" or it could be that you feel you don't deserve such a good person.

To be honest, I wonder if those one-night stands are one of the reasons why you think you can never find someone as good as her. You think you're "not good enough" and not suitable for dating, so you only pursue quick solutions... And you are the kind of person who only does one-night stands, so you "don't deserve" to have a "real" relationship.

Here's what happened: I was just like you. There was a period when I thought I had the perfect girlfriend, the perfect job, and the perfect life. But soon, I lost my perfect job and was dumped by my perfect girlfriend. Although this was worse than anything before... when I gave myself time to heal, recover, and put myself in others' shoes, I realized how wrong I was. That job actually wasn't suitable for me - it was what I thought I wanted, but I didn't truly enjoy or feel satisfied. My "perfect" girlfriend was a good person - we are still friends today - but our relationship didn't truly satisfy my needs; in fact, I was always afraid that everything would fall apart. I wasn't even suitable for dating, let alone with her.

As time went by, with the accumulation of experience and the narrowing of the distance, I was able to accept all of this and began to understand myself better. Although I lost all those "perfect" aspects in life... I still found a new career and new relationship that were truly suitable for me.

But a large part of it was because I was willing to forgive myself for "losing" all of this.

I think this is what you really need. You need to forgive yourself for not being able to hold on to that "perfect" relationship, for getting into the subsequent predicament, and for the subsequent series of encounters. Your relationship with your ex was not broken; it just naturally came to an end. You must continue with the next stage of your story. Although she was great and you had some wonderful times together... there are still many, many other equally excellent women out there who are also suitable for you now.

The key is that you must be willing to allow yourself to search for them.

You don't need to change your game rules. All you need to do is start changing the way you play. You have the ability to find the next adventure, you just need to apply them in a different way. Instead of looking for those who only want to go to bed at night, prioritize those who are truly outstanding. These people, perhaps, really want to go to bed... but you still want to see them again. When you find them... Instead of pursuing sex, focus on building connections and common ground. The more you can establish this sense of connection, the more likely the date at night will lead to breakfast the next day... and dinner the day after.

You will find someone who is just as excellent as your former partner. All you need to do is to open your heart and accept it.

Good luck to you.