Dear Dr. Happy Pi:

In 2019, I met my fiancé on a dating website. Let's call him A. He was very considerate, witty and humorous, well-educated and highly motivated. He told me that he had never been married and had no children. I had a son with my ex. At the time, A was a travel nurse and I was an ordinary nurse. The day after my 30th birthday, we had our first date. We hit it off immediately and our relationship developed rapidly.

A few months later, I introduced him to my son. A year later, we decided to go on a trip together. We would have breaks between tasks, usually lasting for a few weeks, to spend time with our families.

Last October, A proposed to me and I accepted. He met my entire family and everyone liked him. I told them that we were going to get married and so on. I always found it strange that he never took me to meet his family. I tried not to bring up this topic because he said that he had tense relationships with everyone.

However, when he returned home this time, I found another woman's underwear in his laundry room. I was in a state of panic and conducted a background investigation on him. It turned out that he had been married for 13 years and had 4 children. I was both shocked and angry. I told his wife and later he left her for me. I didn't know what to do. I loved him, but he lied to me every day, concealed our relationship, and was unfaithful to him. I couldn't help but curl up into a ball and not give up. I felt so stupid and told the whole family that we were going to get married.

What should I do?

OK, before we start asking questions, I'd like to remind everyone of my stance on policies like fake letters: I won't get too obsessed with the authenticity of the letters. In 99% of cases, they are obvious and won't even reach the inbox. The remaining 1% requires remembering that writing to the consultation column is not just for the writer. For most readers, most questions are actually just theoretical exercises, but even if the letter has nothing to do with your personal situation, it often still offers lessons.

It is also worth remembering that: sometimes things that sound too extreme or unbelievable might actually be true.

So considering this, let's start with an obvious fact. The answer is very simple, uh: You dump that guy. Dump him so hard that his grandparents ended up getting divorced. Dump him so hard that his caveman ancestors would look up at him and say, "What the hell is that thing?"

Now, of course: It's easy for me to say this. I'm someone who shouts out loudly in the advice column, not someone who has invested two years of their life in this relationship and knows how much effort it took. Just for this one fact alone, it's very hard to want to break up. And then there's the factor of humiliation. For us outsiders, it's easy to say, "Wait, how can this be a problem?" But for you, you first have to break up with him, and then you have to deal with all the consequences of the breakup. After all, you were engaged to him! You were making plans, you might have been actively researching the venue, looking for the band and DJ, tasting the cake, and planning the guest list. You might have invited people to be your bridesmaids and brides, even sent out the save-the-date cards. Now, this is not just crying with friends, binge-watching some comfort shows on Netflix or Hulu, and then going to the gym like you owe them money. No, now you have to cancel everything, get your deposit back, and - oh, by the way - explain to everyone why the wedding was cancelled.

The end of a relationship is bad enough. But when you face the fact that you were deceived - that this guy concealed your entire family - and you still believe his lies? This means having to face people's judgment. Now you are the "woman who is engaged but married". People show pity on your face. His despicable behavior will eventually be attached to your identity. If this isn't bad enough, there's also the question "How could you not know?". The pain is not just being deceived, but being completely fooled by someone and not knowing it at all. This guy once again concealed your entire family from you. This is just an additional layer of pain, adding another sentence like "F*** you" on top of the already bad situation.

But is all of this really so terrifying and horrifying?

In any case, you should do this.

Sometimes, a person's sins can be forgiven. Sometimes, even if you can't forgive someone's lies, at least you can understand the reason for their lying. Yes, they hurt you, but everyone is just a human being. Sometimes their actions may cause harm, but this kind of harm can be remedied. They can regain your trust and strive to restore your completeness.

This is not one of them. This is far from the era where even traveling at superluminal speeds would take thousands of years to comprehend the question "Can you overcome it?"

He has already left his wife, and that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much he says he loves you either. This is not a situation like "He is going through divorce proceedings, and there are some unfortunate overlaps in his relationship with you". This is not even the kind of forced "You were his mistress, his marriage lacked love. For understandable reasons, he couldn't leave her, but now he has left. Although your relationship might not have been smooth at the beginning, true love will help you get out of the predicament." This person - I cannot emphasize this enough - concealed his entire family from you for two years. He proposed to you not only when he was still with his wife, but also when you sincerely believed he was single.

If it wasn't for a chance encounter that led you to discover the truth, what kind of foolish thing would he do? Would he keep postponing the wedding date, causing you to divorce hastily before you even realized it? Would he pray that when you applied for the marriage certificate, his name wouldn't appear in the database yet? Would he suddenly tell you about this and expect you to remain faithful to him and not leave him? Or would he keep delaying as long as possible, waiting until the situation gets out of control before leaving?

The problem lies in this: the answer is not important. No matter what his plan is, this is a blatant lie that no one can understand. Such a thing simply cannot make people change their minds. This is exactly like a situation where "nuclear weapons are dropped from orbit". It is an event of a total extinction level, with the sole purpose of making the Chukotka incident seem like a hallucination firecracker. Moreover, I would like to add that this is almost a true crime.

So, no. Apart from kicking him and the rest of the trash to the curb, there really is no question about how to deal with him. Right now, his confession won't earn him any rewards, especially not allowing him to get what he wants. The only problem is how you handle the consequences of all this. My suggestion? Be honest. Tell your story: This person took advantage of your love and trust. He's a liar, a liar, someone who goes to great lengths to deceive you. You didn't do anything wrong; your only "mistake" was believing that someone wasn't the underhanded villain in a bad Hallmark Christmas movie. If someone thinks you should "know better"… ask them, how many times have they been so invested in this matter that they are willing to propose after spending years together?

The truth is this: Your sole flaw – even so – is that you love too deeply but too superficially. The people you trust, they will do anything to deceive you, deceive you, and tease you. This is not your fault. You should not be blamed. Trusting others is not a character flaw. Falling in love with someone who ultimately turns out not to be worthy of your love is not something shameful. Flaws are his, and the shame is also his.

The only thing you need to do recently is to forgive yourself for falling in love with the person who took advantage of that love. Spend some time being surrounded by people who love and support you, and allow yourself to heal. This way, your soul won't form a cocoon. It will take time, but you will recover. You will overcome all of this, continue living, become wiser and more cautious, but you will not lose the right to be loved.

But first of all, you need to remove this guy from your life. Kick him out and let his actions serve as a warning to others.

You'll be fine. I promise.

Good luck to you.