Dear Dr. Happy Pi:

First of all, I would like to express my deepest gratitude for your help! Your article is exactly what many people need to hear, rather than those basic online dating tips. It has enabled me to make significant progress in self-improvement. Without you, I wouldn't have encountered this problem; my current state would be ten steps worse. However, there is still a lot of work to be done.

I am a 20-year-old bisexual. In college, I was afraid to have sex/ flirt/ initiate with anyone. I was a virgin and that was basically acceptable to me, but I still encountered situations where someone would casually offer me a sexual opportunity, and I could do nothing about it, even though I knew exactly what was going to happen. Please understand, this is a topic that confuses and even scares me. Once, someone asked me if I wanted to go to their room with them to "watch Netflix". I stood there and said I wanted to play basketball with my friends. I hate basketball! I also like her! Doing these things in the third person felt like watching someone do something I didn't want to do. This is just one of the countless situations I encountered, and this kind of thing kept happening, making me very depressed. I was once asked to swear on FaceTime (I didn't understand these hints at first, until I was directly asked). I can't do it. She would tell me that all I needed to do was to express my thoughts, because my mind was completely blank. After the call ended, I felt that I was completely unworthy. Every single contact I had was initiated by my partner.

I understand that as a man, there can be certain limitations in terms of sexuality. I don't need to have sex with many people in order to gain "value" or prove anything. But this has become a problem. If both parties share common interests, everything will go smoothly. But I won't take any action in the sexual aspect. Things will gradually calm down. Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship and it's what I want. I considered asexuality, but I think it doesn't describe me.

This feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every failure only intensifies my anxiety when I encounter similar situations next time. The lack of sexual experience makes me anxious and hesitant to try. What should I do? Watch some pornographic films, write it down? Persist until I overcome my fear? Find someone who understands me and can take it slowly? Stop taking insignificant matters (sex) seriously? Is this on purpose?

Believe it or not, this is not uncommon, FIMK. Just because someone wants something and wants it more than they are willing to admit, doesn't mean they will seize every opportunity. Although the meme says that all men are sexual predators, always sexually aroused, and will hug trees if the tree is soft enough, there is often a gap between fantasy and reality. It is not uncommon to freeze up at the moment when the dream is about to come true, because the dream is safe. In the fantasy, in your imagination, or just in imagining what it would be like, everything will go perfectly. Everything will happen exactly as you want it to, and it will be smoother than Kentucky bourbon.

However, the reality is much more complicated. When dreams come true, everything suddenly becomes confusing! You are very likely to stumble somewhere! You are on your own for the consequences! What if you say something wrong, or put your hand in the wrong place, or you can't lift it up, or you act too quickly? What if you sneeze, cough or fart when it's not convenient?

Not to mention, the sudden realization like "Wait, this is about to happen?" can leave you completely at a loss and your mind going blank. Just a moment ago, you thought you were a guy with a strong libido, eager to ejaculate, but when the opportunity unexpectedly arose, all you could think of was a dial tone. This is actually a common reaction to a sudden surge in adrenaline - for example, when you unexpectedly hear someone say "So, do you want to have an orgasm?" you will have this reaction. Yes, your life is not in danger, but this surprise is so intense and unexpected that your brain enters a red alert state. After all, the "fight or flight" response is more precisely described as "fight, flight, flattery or freeze" for a reason.

But these are not the only reasons that caused you (or any other person in your situation) to suddenly freeze at that moment.

In my opinion, the first possibility is that in the examples you listed, it was someone else who initiated the courtship. Just this alone is sufficient to explain why when the opportunity for sexual intimacy suddenly arises (well... you could say that), your brain emits the sound of "Wow". Perhaps you still have some psychological confusion about who should take the initiative. Allowing a woman to initiate the courtship might completely go against the education you have received, to the extent that you will end up nervously trying to respond.

Another reason why speed can cause problems is that sexual opportunities arise before you are ready. Similarly, the example you mentioned seems to have nothing to do with a romantic relationship. You haven't provided many details, but it sounds like these are indeed random hookups rather than gradually built-up relationships over time. Some people are slower to warm up to sex and attraction, and need to accumulate gradually. Or perhaps the development of a romantic relationship exceeds your tolerance level, and you need more time to get ready. Or perhaps the invitation for sex comes out of nowhere rather than naturally occurring. If your date ends up having sex on the sofa in the end, the situation might be different; if they suggest having sex in the bedroom, your brain might not freeze up like someone putting sugar in your fuel tank.

This lack of preparation might also stem from low self-esteem. If you believe that you deserve more love, care, and sex, you might be more inclined to take the initiative. Or perhaps you think that those who seem more confident than you would judge you if you fail to act assertively like a champion.

The third possibility is that although you may desire sexual relations, the person who approaches you may not be the one you actually want to have sex with. Yes, there are indeed many memes about men having a strong sexual desire, and there are also statements like "I don't care, anything goes" circulating nowadays. However, if you feel that someone is not attractive to you, or if you simply don't find them attractive (these are two completely different things), then you might experience a conflict between "wanting to have sex" and "... with someone else". Although there are so many "love those around you" suggestions and memes available in the market, many people are very picky when choosing the person with whom to have true sexual relations.

The fourth possibility is: You might not actually want sex, but you should want it, so you convince yourself that you do. One thing that we rarely talk about is how much culture, society, and peers influence our behavior... even if it goes against our true desires. For example, many men genuinely like and desire fat women. Not "full", not "curvy", but fat. However, the fear of obesity is very common, and the fear of judging and criticizing peers is so strong that they chase after the people they should want, even though this doesn't truly make them satisfied. You might be in this situation - the idea that "men are thirsty for sex and should have sex as much as possible" might have taken root in your mind, making you feel that you should have sex, but you are actually not interested. This lack of interest could be "not yet", "temporary", or even "... forever".

It might even be that you are attracted to the opposite sex. You say you are bisexual, but all the examples that make you feel panicked are of women. Although bisexuality and pansexuality do mean being attracted to more than one gender, this does not mean that the attraction is evenly split. Even, the gender you fall in love with and want to form a romantic relationship with is not necessarily the one you are most interested in. Is it possible that you are bisexual, but your sexual attraction to men is stronger? Have you had the same indifferent reaction to other men as well?

Now, how to solve this problem is a bit tricky because to solve it - if it is indeed a real problem - requires understanding the root cause. That's why my first suggestion is to dig deeper or reflect, to see if you can find the source of the problem. The more you can deeply explore the fundamental reasons that have caused you to become stuck, the better you will be able to understand what to do next. After all, if it's "the right opportunity, the wrong gender", then trying to flirt with women when the chance comes is not very useful. Similarly, if you lean more towards bisexuality and need to have a favorable impression of sexual attraction, then casual flirting won't help either, regardless of the gender of the other person.

However, my current suggestion is to take it slowly. I think the problem lies at least partly in the fact that the solutions you mentioned are all accomplished instantly, from 0 to 60. If you don't feel the need to complete everything immediately, then your problem might not be so serious. Let your sexual experience grow at a more gradual pace - complete one base at a time instead of trying to hit a home run on your first swing - and you might encounter fewer problems. Find a partner who is willing to go at a pace that feels comfortable to you, allowing you to become familiar with and experience all aspects of sexual intimacy. Perhaps this is exactly what you need. Rather than trying to lose your virginity all at once, proceed gradually. This might be easier for you. In this way, you can enhance your sense of competence and get the feeling of "Well, I know what I'm doing", so when you reach penetration, you won't feel the need to become an expert immediately.

But the most important thing to remember is this: Your first time doesn't have to be an epic moment, nor does it have to be a profound and meaningful event. It doesn't have to be flawless, unique, or ensure that it's with the person you love or the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Ultimately, what you want is to have sex with someone who is worthy of your passion - whatever that means to you.

Good luck to you.