Hello, Dr. Happy Pi,

I'm sure you've received thousands of letters, but I'm really struggling and confused.

My wife, who has been married to me for ten years (we have been together for 20 years and have two children), told me that she enjoys having sex with others. Specifically, she likes the "Stag & Vixen (Hotwife)" lifestyle, where she has sex with other men (or possibly women), but she wants to remain loyal to this relationship and her family. She said she needs to pursue happiness and be indulgent because when we were together, she was still very young, only 22 years old, and she felt that she had never fully explored her sexual desires. I am trying to understand the root causes of all this (some of which are due to my past addiction to porn, which led to a lack of sexual energy and desire for her - I have committed to the NoFap lifestyle, which has greatly improved my desire for her, but the past pain still exists). I try to remain "calm" about this because I love her and want her to be happy and sexually satisfied. I also try to understand because since we have been more open about each other's sexual fantasies and desires, our sex life has regained its vitality. I hope this situation can continue. I want to remain deeply loyal to her - my child's mother - and please her sexually (she told me that I do this most of the time).

When we were having sex, she would tell me about her fantasies of having sex with others, flirting, sending pornographic messages, etc. I found this quite exciting. But on the other hand, when she told me about her flirting with the electrician and then saying some vulgar things in the text messages, I completely broke down; I felt anxious, hurt, confused, and my mind was filled with irrational thoughts such as "She doesn't love me" (I know this isn't true), "I'm worthless" (I know this isn't true), and "I should commit suicide" (I won't commit suicide, but this is enough to show how bad my feelings are). I was also angry with her. During an unrelated argument, I said something like this: "If your hobby is having sex with others, then I can have that hobby too!" 。 I immediately regretted it and felt ashamed because I didn't want her to openly express her inner desires to be exploited by others to use against her. Have I ever said that I truly love this woman and that I am willing to make an effort to be with her?

My friend told me: "I don't need to force myself to accept things that I can't handle." He pointed out that my inner reaction was very obvious; I seemed unable to accept it. When I told my wife about my feelings, she hugged me tightly, kissed me deeply, assured me that she loved me, wiped my tears, and then had wild sex with me. At such times, we both agreed that we could flirt with others, say some vulgar things, but what if I couldn't handle it? If she wanted to, but I had no motivation or interest in pursuing others and saying vulgar things and flirting?

I can learn to control jealousy, calm my emotions, and comfort myself. Is it just that she needs to play a perverted game? Or am I destined to endure this kind of pain? I'm quite interested in the fantasy of my wife having sex with others, but not in the reality. Is that okay? In our first conversation, my wife told me: "Injured feelings are not sexy. I'm doing this not to hurt your feelings." But I feel very hurt and confused. What if this is a fatal blow for me? I'm afraid that if I tell her that I don't like her having sex with others (even saying some vulgar words), I'll lose her. If I say this is a fatal blow for me, am I "hindering" her sexual desire and satisfaction?

There are many things that need to be explained here, but first and foremost, we would like to say: You have set up a series of incorrect dichotomies for yourself. That is to say, you think there are only two completely opposite answers to this question, but the truth is otherwise.

Now, before we delve into your question, please allow me to define some terms for those who may not be familiar with "Stag & Vixen" (mate bonding) or "hotwimming" (hot wife). Stag & Vixen is an ethical non-monogamous relationship; similar to "cuckolding", its basic idea is that one party (the female partner) - usually (but not exclusively) a female partner - has sexual relations with others while her partner (the male partner) watches. Unlike "cuckolding", the watching partner does not feel humiliated. The male partner gains sexual pleasure by watching the partner have sexual relations with others; sometimes they may directly participate, and sometimes they are just spectators. This pleasure comes from both watching the partner have sexual relations with others (voyeurism) and knowing that their partner is sexy and that others also want to have relations with her. Similarly, the female partner likes to be watched (vulva exposure fetish) and also likes the novelty of a new partner, etc.

There is no doubt: Just like having an affair, it is definitely not something that suits everyone. Although it is not the most extreme behavior, it can be very intense, and achieving this requires a high level of trust between the partners and open, free communication. Everyone must reach a consensus; otherwise, it could lead to the breakdown of the relationship or even create rifts - especially when "sluts" treat "sluts" (i.e., the guest stars who have cheated) differently from how they treat their partners.

Apart from voyeurism, the buckwild sex also has other benefits. As you yourself noticed, this leads to more passionate and intense sex between the male and female partners afterwards. For many "hot wives" / "sex and desire" couples, this takes advantage of a strange physiological and psychological trait: if a prostate patient believes or knows that their partner has slept with someone else, they usually experience a stronger and more intense orgasm. Theoretically, this is a form of sperm competition, where one party tries to "drive away" the competitor's sperm and ensure that their own sperm can make their partner pregnant. Similarly, many people report that opening up to various forms of sex - including heterosexual intercourse or "hot wives" - leads to more sex; this not only does not make people feel satisfied, but also increases their appetite, and often reignites the initial passion between the partners.

RSS, I suspect this is the reason why you find it strange; when you hear something that interests your wife, both of you enjoy more passionate sex and stronger orgasms. But this also conflicts with the way you and she feel about your relationship. That's why when you talk about this with her, she will fuck you until your eyes bleed; she is trying to show you that it's not because she doesn't care about you or doesn't want you. In fact, I suspect these thoughts and fantasies excite her, and she brings the new found energy and desire to you. Once again: this is a "yes, and" situation, not an either-or one.

So, this is how the so-called "dichotomy" comes about. First of all, you consider this as a sign of your failure. This might be reflected in your relationship with pornographic films and its influence on your desire for your wife. Self-stimulation with pornographic films indicates that you are less interested in your wife. So does this mean that your wife wants to get satisfaction from somewhere else because she is less interested in you?

Leaving aside the issue of "being addicted to pornography" (I have strong opinions on this), what happened here is not an either-or situation. It's not "she sleeps with other men" or "she loves you and wants to be with you", but rather a "both-and" situation: she gains sexual excitement from other men and establishes a loyal and passionate relationship with you. The important thing is that what she wants is a stag and a female fox, rather than just a pass or an open relationship; she said that she wants your participation. This is not something she does because she is tired of you, but rather because she invites you to join one of her adventures. This is great; maintaining the feeling of a shared adventure in marriage is very important. Her asking about this and sharing it with you fully demonstrates how much she trusts you and values you.

By the way, I suspect that your wife might be downplaying the reasons for her decision. Although many people - especially women - would describe this desire as "well, when I was young, I didn't have that wild menstrual period", I believe the real answer is that this is something she has always wanted to try. The claim that women reach orgasm in their 30s has little to do with physiological factors, but is closely related to the fact that 30-something women finally gain confidence (and abandon all residual sexual desires) to control their desires and sexual urges. I think this fantasy has been brewing deep within your wife for a long time, and she has finally reached the point where she is willing to express it. And once again: This is great. It means that she has spent so much time building trust and commitment with you, and - once again - has invited you to embark on this journey with her.

But this is also where you fall into another erroneous dichotomy. This is not a question of "you either remain calm about it or you have a negative attitude towards your sexuality and are a hindrance". You can support her sexual desires and satisfaction, but you cannot be involved in it. Your friend is right: you don't have to force yourself to accept something you can't accept. If this is something you can't handle and you know that trying to conform to it is like sandpapering your soul, this doesn't mean you have a negative attitude towards your sexuality or are preventing her. It means you can't go along with her. If this is the case, you still have a choice. If you are good at differentiating, you can give her freedom and let her meet and sleep with others, as long as she remains cautious, sincerely tries to keep a low profile, and doesn't let you discover it. This requires you to deliberately and voluntarily remain silent to a certain extent, but people do indeed take advantage of this "no asking, no probing" arrangement. You might be able to bridge this gap by attending sex parties or swap-wives events. These events may not be as private and pose less threat to your relationship.

Or... You could agree that this won't work and end the marriage.

Yes, I know. This is not what you want. But if monogamy is an obstacle for you and you don't want to hinder her sexual needs and exploration, it would be better not to force her to do something against her will. Instead, let her do what she wants. There's no need to worry about hurting you, isn't that more kind?

But this is just a big assumption. As far as I know, it is still only theoretical - except for those vulgar text messages sent by the electricians (I solemnly declare that I oppose this approach on many levels). Because this is the third and final error binary division you have set for yourself: you don't need to choose between "we simply don't do this" and "jump right in". What you should do - and I think you absolutely must do - is to proceed step by step, rather than jumping in headfirst. If you allow yourself to adapt gradually, it might be easier to accept; but if you jump in headfirst, it might cause great pain.

If you want to test whether you can handle this kind of thing, you might as well not rush to start from scratch right away. Just say, "OK, it's time to see how I handle my wife." This way, the pressure will be much less. You can go to a bar or a nightclub alone first, and observe others flirting with or dancing with your wife. That's fine - just a few flirtatious conversations or a couple of dances, no threatening or obscene scenes, no kissing or touching. If you think this is okay - or if you think it can excite you - you can move on to the next stage. For example, allow yourself to have a little physical contact with someone else while maintaining a considerable distance to watch. Again: If you eventually find it acceptable, then you can go further. However, I want to make it clear that before you are sure you can accept it, penetration sex is absolutely not allowed. While rolling, making out, and oral sex are all fine, penetration sex is often the point where many people draw the line, and - again - this is okay.

By going through each of these steps, you will be able to understand your own feelings and have the opportunity to communicate with your wife. You can work together to find the rules that are suitable for each step and stage, and cultivate an honest and non-judgmental communication style, thus making everything proceed smoothly. You may find that what you imagined is not what she wants, or you may discover that the version you thought was appropriate actually captured her attention. But the most important thing is that you should keep the communication channel open, share with each other, and reaffirm your trust and love for each other.

Another suggestion I have is to consult a couple counselor who has a positive attitude towards sex. They can help facilitate the communication between you two. If you really can't do this, having a trained third party to mediate might make it easier for you to discuss this issue and find a way forward. The Association of American Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AAES) has a recommended directory that can help you find a counselor with a positive attitude towards sex in your area.

Let me say it again: If you don't accept this, there's no problem at all. This doesn't mean you're a bad person. It just means you've reached a bottom line that cannot be crossed. That's okay. But before you decide that your marriage is over and beyond repair, you must have a talk. Talk to your wife, or find a marriage counselor. I think you have far more choices than you think. Everything will be okay. Good luck to you.