Dear Dr. Happy Pi:

I (male/24 years old) have been your reader for the past few years and never thought I would ask you a question, but now I finally have an answer. I have been in a relationship with a girlfriend (female/22 years old) for some time and everything is fine. I know what you will say, so yes, I have to say "but": I want more from her. Here's the background.

Ever since I met Jody (not her real name), there's always been a spark between us, but she was in a relationship. Eventually, she broke up with her long-term boyfriend, and I saw an opportunity to express my feelings to her. She told me she liked me and thought I was sexy, but she wasn't looking for a boyfriend right now. This wasn't fair to me because any kind of relationship between us wasn't what I wanted. I told her it was okay and that I could accept it, and I wasn't looking for a committed relationship either. She didn't sound interested, so I guess I can at least tell myself I tried. Just like you always say, at least now I know, right?

A few weeks later, Jody and I met for a drink before going to a friend's birthday party, but things didn't work out and we didn't make it. We got together whenever we could, about once a month according to our schedules, and sometimes twice a month if we were lucky. We talked a lot. She told me about her recent life and I told her about mine. Everything was fine, wasn't it?

Now they are not together anymore. She told me about a guy, a friend of a friend of ours, who has always had a crush on her. Now he finally asked her out and she's hesitating whether to say yes or not. And I'm in a dilemma now because I previously agreed that we were just friends with benefits. No matter what happens between us, I would accept it. I wasn't lying when I said I would accept it. I was serious. But I think I might not be, because the thought of her going on a date with him scares me. I'm really lying in bed unable to sleep because I keep checking if she's on WhatsApp to see if she's back from their date or I try not to think about them, which makes me want to scream.

So the question I want to ask you is, is there any way to make her reconsider that we are just friends with benefits? I'm not sure if I can still accept this kind of relationship. Last time I brought up this matter to her, I just wanted to see how she felt, so I said I was going on a date with another girl I know. Jody said that was great and hoped I had a good time, so I guess that approach didn't work, right? So now I'm in a dilemma. How can I retrieve our former friendship and tell her that I want her to be with me instead of another man?

I don't have a clever abbreviation or something similar for your column, so I think I'll just call it mine.

Ouch. Well, SSATT, I was once in your shoes, and you should take some comfort in that. I did go through that situation... actually, more than once. And, um, it's a bit of a pity you didn't write to me before you called, because I could have told you from my own bloody experience: never make a promise you can't keep. Even if you think you mean it at the time. Hell, especially if you think you mean it at the time. Because you know, and I know it too, you don't really mean it. Not really.

The problem lies here: You made a classic mistake, the most famous of which is "Never tell your girlfriend that her butt looks fat in jeans unless it turns you on," but a slightly less well-known one is this: "Never accept what you want now just because you think you can use it to get more later." To be honest, only you, me, and everyone reading this column: That's exactly what you did.

This is why many people have trouble in relationships rather than on dates: when two people start a relationship with different expectations, and when those expectations no longer align, one or both parties get hurt. Unfortunately, you are one of them. In the situation you described, one of the worst things you can do is pretend not to want what you really want, whether because you're afraid that expressing that desire means you'll lose some kind of "power" in the relationship, or because you're afraid of what might happen if you ask for what you really want. But as you've discovered, half a loaf - hell, a fifth of a loaf - is no better than none at all. At least when it comes to dating.

Let's analyze what happened, shall we? You and Jody have always had a good rapport and attracted each other. That's common. People in love don't mean they won't be attracted to others. But likewise, being attracted to you doesn't mean they'll throw themselves into your arms (or your bed) the moment they break up. Breaking up - even if it's inevitable - doesn't mean they'll be glad to be rid of their ex and ready to find someone they truly like. Many times, they need time to process, feel their feelings, and adapt to being single again.

This is why those men who circle around waiting for someone to become single are so annoying. The idea that "you have to go for them while the window is still open" implies that the only feeling that matters is your own. Yes, their relationship is over, which might be painful... but hey, that means they're single again. If you're not at the front of the queue, you're out of luck.

I've seen this happen in real life, and let me tell you: it not only offends the person who just broke up, but it simply doesn't work. Even if someone is the type to constantly change partners, they won't readily accept the next person in line. So, this kind of jockeying for position actually just makes others feel that you haven't considered their needs at all.

Anyway, I digressed. Sorry. What I'm saying is, Jodi might like you. She might think you're as pretty as five Fridays and as cute as Christmas, but that doesn't mean she wants to date you. She might occasionally think it's okay to sleep with you - again, she's attracted to you - but that doesn't mean she's ready to date... that's all. Even if she finds you irresistibly charming, it doesn't mean she thinks you're a good match for a relationship, nor does it mean she's willing to date anyone right now. In the process of recovering from a breakup, finding someone you're willing to climb into bed with but have never truly committed to is an age-old tradition that transcends gender and sexual orientation. Just because you're her ride for now doesn't mean she'll upgrade you to a more permanent partner when she decides to date again.

But equally important is that although a casual relationship might develop into a boring romantic one, this is not to be expected. If you start a non-monogamous or commitment-free relationship and expect to change the other person's mind in some way, you will only annoy them (if you're lucky) and put yourself in avoidable heartbreak. Believe me, if you follow this pattern, 99 times out of 100, you will hear, "… I told you from the start that I don't want a boyfriend/girlfriend." I say this because I have been in this dilemma myself.

Trying to provoke jealousy by saying something like "I'm going on a date with someone else. What do you think?" is also not a good idea. First, you assume that Jodi will be jealous and use that to determine if she wants to date you. Anyone in a polyamorous or open relationship will tell you that just because you're jealous doesn't mean they won't date others. Second, it's assuming she will be jealous. If she just sees you two as friends and enjoys the no-strings-attached sex, that's it. Then your dating someone else isn't a big deal. It might mean your sex time is coming to an end, but hey, her friend is starting a more serious relationship! That's great for him.

To be honest, you'd better just say: "Hey, I know I said I was satisfied with our previous relationship, but my feelings have changed. I want to build a real relationship with you." Although this might not get you the answer you want, at least you'll get an answer sooner rather than later. This way, at least you can move on freely instead of continuing like this and ending up heartbroken.

Just like, you know. You did exactly that.

Besides, now she's clearly ready (or has already started) to date another man. Why bring this up? It won't do you any good. At best, you'll get nothing but an "I'm sorry." At worst, she'll think you were indifferent to the relationship until she started seeing someone else, and now you're responding out of jealousy. That's not a good look.

Now, if you want to give it a try and see what happens... Well, I can't stop you. Tell yourself at least you've tried, and maybe that will make you feel better. But to be honest? I think when she turns you down, you'll feel even worse. Because then you'll not only feel rejected, but also dumped, because he's better than you, and... Well, to be frank, you weren't even considered from the start.

Since I don't have a flux capacitor or a TARDIS, the only thing I can tell you is that you must take this as a learning opportunity. You messed up this time. Now you know what not to do in the future, so you won't end up in such a situation again. I know this isn't what you want to hear... but it's your best choice.

Good luck to you.