hi! This is not the most sexy post; I urgently need some advice! This is my first post here.

I had no faith from a young age; I came from a broken family where no one taught me to cherish monogamy. My father advised me to have more sexual partners before settling down; when he met my mother, he was still a virgin and he believed this led him to make the wrong choice of partner.

I became a Christian when I was in my early twenties. At that time, I was in a relationship and before meeting my husband, I had had other sexual partners (including my ex-boyfriend who had betrayed me). I was a very insecure girl and was very particular about sex because before converting to Christianity, I thought that romantic relationships could solve all my problems, and I believed that men only liked sexy girls. My first relationship was not a real relationship; it was just a one-night stand. After that, I never saw that man again.

Before meeting my husband, I was with my ex-boyfriend for two and a half years. We had a child, but I had a miscarriage. If I hadn't miscarried, I would have kept the child. Now she is 7 years old. Losing the child broke my heart. I still often think of my ex-boyfriend and the time we spent together - I didn't want to continue being with him (he had many problems), but we had experienced so much together. I was really sad because I caused so much trouble for him.

Anyway, I am now married and have a toddler. My marital life is extremely happy. My husband is a gift from God to me. Although he knows all my experiences, he still loves me and accepts me. We have been married for four years. When we met, he had no sexual experience. I really wish we could have shared this sexual journey together. When I first got married, we slept together in the same bed. Although we regretted it before and stopped, I still can't forget the beginning of our relationship.

I have been unable to let go of my husband in terms of sex because everything I did in the past made me feel ashamed, which prevented me from having any more relations with him. Since the birth of my son, my sense of shame has become even stronger, and our sex life has become even more dull. We often lose our intimacy.

I love my husband very, very much. He is kind, strong, gentle, making me feel extremely safe, and he is also handsome. He is also an excellent father. I want him to know how much I love him, and I feel sad for struggling so much in an intimate relationship. I want to regain the freedom to express my sexual orientation that I had before becoming a Christian, but I don't know how to regain this freedom. I would like readers to give me some suggestions to help me get rid of the sense of shame and the negative experiences from the past, as well as how to build a connection with my husband? Every time we have intimate contact, even when I have desire for him, I feel ashamed and think of everything I have done before. I hope I can start this relationship with a pure mindset like him.