Doctor,

My situation is a bit tricky. To put it simply, when I was working abroad, I met a man. At that time, both of us were already married. Due to the nature of our work, we found ourselves easily attracted to each other. After stressful days, we would talk to each other and relax together. Later, we discovered that we seemed to have a lot in common. He was easy to communicate with, and we shared similar life goals. Eventually, I longed to spend time with him. Every minute of mine was spent wishing to be with him. This relaxed friendship quickly developed into sexual tension, but we both realized that we were already married.

Six months passed, and we didn't communicate with each other for a single day. Then we went home. This kind of connection we established overseas eventually led to my divorce. I found myself in a difficult situation. I knew I wanted to be with him; I was completely captivated by him and couldn't stop thinking about him. However, he did nothing for him. Clearly, he wanted someone I couldn't have. Eventually, I gave him a final ultimatum - I set a date for him and asked him to choose between me and her because I couldn't bear this pain any longer. He missed the deadline, and I tried to choose the option that was best for me, completely removing him from my life. I tried dating other people and stopped thinking about him. But nothing could stop me from thinking about him obsessively. I started a two-month relationship with someone who met all my criteria. To be honest, he was great, but I couldn't stop thinking about the other person.

Fast forward to three days ago. Since I had blocked all his messages, he couldn't contact me at all. After work, he even waited for me outside my house. I immediately called my new boyfriend and told him that I still had unfinished feelings for someone else. Finally being able to be with him, imagining the future we would share together, I was extremely excited. This feeling persisted until he left. Now I'm sitting here, worrying that I like him only because he is someone I can't have.

Is all of this about pursuing something? I find myself sitting here, crying for another person, while losing that intense feeling towards the original one. What should I do?

This is actually quite simple. DWWIAG. The situation you encountered is actually quite common; apart from tabloids and TMZ, we rarely hear about it.

I'm sure you must have read many such stories: actors spark off each other in plays or TV series, and among movie stars, especially those who often work together, the chemistry on the set eventually turns into romance. The reason why they can establish such a deep connection is partly due to an attraction that is most easily underestimated: the sense of closeness. The sense of closeness refers to our tendency to form platonic or romantic relationships with the people we see most often and spend the most time with.

This is why office romances are so prevalent, and one of the reasons why political campaign volunteers are more likely to have sexual relationships; you interact with the same person over and over again. Add to that shared values and interests, a tense or stressful atmosphere, and mutual attraction, and a explosive chemical reaction forms between you, eventually leading to a sexual explosion in each other's pants.

Your situation is the same. You are overseas, far away from your relatives and friends, including your husband. You feel a bit lonely and miss the familiarity of your hometown (many expats say this). But your colleague is right beside you. He is your fellow countryman, easy to communicate with, and quite good-looking. So, you two are ready to establish a connection, especially when you see each other frequently. Plus, you are clearly under a lot of pressure, which usually requires some form of release. And then boom: You are enjoying that kind of "having a great time" joy that appears in many love stories and movies.

But there is only one problem: That incredible connection and the earth-shattering chemical reaction are the products of those very special environments. Without that intimate, solitary and tense combination... Well, the attraction might still exist, but it won't be strong enough to make you unable to extricate yourself. And as I have said many times before: The stimulation of new things often blinds people's judgment, covering up many mistakes.

OK, now that you're back in the United States, there's no longer that tense atmosphere, no longer that continuous connection. Now you don't feel it anymore. This is also part of the story. That's why a lot of the passion on the set seems to disappear after the filming is over; they no longer come together in a rush, there are no absurd call times and shooting schedules, no long periods of idleness and tense scenes. It's not so much that the magic has disappeared as that the pressure has disappeared. Without that pressure that triggers the chemical reaction, that momentary effect disappears, and everyone can move on.

What adds more charm to your story is the unfinished cycle that remained after your relationship with this man ended. You asked him to leave his wife for you, but all he did was enjoy the whirring sound as the deadline passed. This must have been very painful, but it also made you feel that this relationship did not have a definite conclusion. So, although there was no theoretical end, there was still a flame of hope burning in your heart.

Then, oh, look, he's back, and that passion has reignited. However, it's more like rekindling rather than rekindling completely; the sudden passion is intertwined with the sudden sense of emptiness, and the flames have burned out the remaining attraction you have. Between the disappearance of pressure, the disappearance of continuous intimacy, and the sting to your self-esteem from the way you broke up, the elements that held your connection together no longer exist. Just like fans of "Transformers" immediately become rotten when they realize that Michael Bay's movies no longer impress them with their endless scenes, you find yourself living only for the superficiality, not the substance.

Ideally, you would take some time to calm down, reflect on your feelings, and then immediately call your new boyfriend and say, "My other half is back. Don't say anything more." To be honest, that really boosts your mood. Who among us hasn't made some stupid decisions under the intense influence of dopamine and oxytocin? But you did make them, and now you must bear the consequences of your actions.

What you can do now is really limited. You could reconnect with your new boyfriend and try to explain, hoping that he will accept you. But two months is really not enough time to build trust and connection. And yet you dumped him without any warning for your old lover, and then changed your mind immediately. I think most people would consider this a bad sign for the future. If (in his eyes) you are so unreliable, and you give up a promising relationship just to have a chance with that person who has left you, and then immediately say "Oh, it's okay, can you give me something in return", I think he would find it hard to believe that you won't abandon him again. If your heart is so fickle, how can he ensure that this won't happen again and again?

I think the best thing you can do right now is what you didn't do the first time: give yourself closure. Let this be the end of this period of your life and the relationships within it. The lesson is painful, but you also gain a deeper understanding of yourself. It's time to fully absorb these lessons and keep them in mind the next time you find yourself in a state of confusion. Unmarried children (NRE) can be exciting, even overwhelming, but it keeps you more alert. The last thing you want to do is to abandon a wonderful relationship - whether it's your marriage or a developing new one - for something that will ultimately be just a passing fancy - exciting, special, but fleeting.

Good luck to you.