I have never had any problems when communicating with women, and I have also established some great friendships over the years. Although my dating life has not been particularly active, I have had a few dates here and there. However, I have noticed that there are two recurring patterns in my romantic relationships: Firstly, many of the women I have dated have been troubled by mental health issues or low self-esteem; secondly, I have never had a strong physical attraction towards them. I am actively working on the first problem, but today, I want to focus on the second one.

From the perspective of "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", I view this issue. Logically speaking, I know there is no rule stating that traditionally beautiful people can only date traditionally beautiful people. However, I have noticed that physical attractiveness plays a significant role in the way I experience potential romantic relationships. If a woman is attractive - whether "average" or above average - or has a good figure, or behaves with confidence, this will definitely affect the strength of my connection with her. Unfortunately, I tend to feel isolated, which sometimes makes me feel unworthy of their attention. At school and in university, I was the type of shy, nerdy person who never integrated into the "popular" crowd. I believe this shaped my perception of myself and my own value in these situations. The field I studied was also dominated by men, so this made it difficult for me to meet women when I was young, and I remember that the social circles my male peers participated in were more helpful (think: the contrast between IT geeks and athletes).

It is also worth noting that I am not attracted by a specific type alone, but I have indeed found certain styles, such as alternative women, to be particularly appealing.

Nowadays, my hobbies are more focused on women. I often participate in a social group where I am very popular and get along well with everyone, except for those more attractive and popular women. I have never spoken to them, and they have never spoken to me either. This situation seems to persist. However, it is not constant in my life. At work, there is a woman whom I think is well-rounded and very charming. We get along very well - although we don't have many common interests and hobbies, our relationship is purely professional, and she is already married.

Besides, I am also confused about my own attractiveness. Although people often say that I fit the stereotype of "tall, dark, and handsome", I have never received much attention because of my appearance. My hobbies and style seem to be unparalleled. I enjoy fitness and outdoor activities, but women with the same interests seem not to be interested in me. I myself am a bit unconventional, fond of rock music, and have a noticeable tattoo on my body, but I feel that I haven't met many women who like this lifestyle. It seems that I simply can't make connections with and/or get in touch with the women I want to have a deeper relationship with.

I want to make it clear: Although appearance is not the most important factor for me in a relationship - I prioritize shared interests and values - I do feel that my inner belief in physical attractiveness sometimes prevents me from fully connecting with women whom I find physically attractive.

Is it hot?

There are many parts in your letter that have left a deep impression on me. I will comment on them, but I think this point should be the starting point: "Logically speaking, I know there is no rule stating that traditionally attractive people can only date other traditionally attractive people. However, I have noticed that physical attractiveness plays an important role in the way I experience potential relationships."

This is what the dating advice industry calls "Duh George". Yes, shockingly, for those who have experienced sexual attraction, they believe that someone's sexual appeal plays a significant role in their relationship. This is basically how people operate. The point where the debate begins is what makes a person attractive. This can be highly variable and is personal to the observer.

It is completely normal and reasonable to want to date someone who is physically and sexually attractive to you. In your case, you find that you are more likely to be attracted to women who meet the generally accepted female aesthetic standards in the West. This is normal. There is nothing wrong with this. It is not surprising either: this is one of the reasons why we tend to call it "traditional attraction" - most people agree on this kind of attraction.

Yes, asking yourself why you find certain features or traits attractive, and whether this is something you actually like, or something you think you should like, is almost always a good thing. In the end, it's fine to like the people and things you do like. But sometimes... well, sometimes we encounter situations like yours.

This might make you feel better, HoN, but you are not the first woman I know who has tried to avoid being regarded as "superior" by them and who has been attracted to a nerd or a man resembling a nerd. In fact, in many cases, this is almost a performative element. Some nerds take pride in liking women who do not conform to traditional aesthetic standards. That's why we get something like Ernest Klein's embarrassing spoken poetry "Nerd Porn Auteur", which is both a crime against humanity and a crime heard by my ears.

Taking the risk of getting me and my other nerdy buddies into trouble, I truly believe that quite a few people who loudly claim that Velma is more sexy than Daphne are, frankly, not sure whether they are convincing themselves or others. This is especially true if we are talking about the producers' involvement in this joke and the period before Linda Cardellini took on the role in the live-action film.

This has led us to a situation where those who are undoubtedly very attractive are labeled as "average" or are even implied to be unattractive because they are not tall, slender blonde beauties; just look at you, every casting director who chooses to have Jenny Galafaro play the role of an "unattractive nerdy friend"!

Does this mean that nerdy and geeky men don't like women who don't conform to conventional looks or don't follow current fashion trends and styles? Of course not. But many men pursue women they don't actually like. Part of the reason is that they think these women are easier to approach, rather than because they find their appearance attractive or that they are actually a good match for them. The partners they choose are either those they consider to be "on the same level" as themselves, or "the best they can expect". To be honest, this is an insult to all involved. No one likes to feel like they are someone else's consolation prize, especially when one person truly believes that their partner is the hottest person since World War II, while the other... well, the other person is doing their best to hide their overall "you have to do this" vibe.

Another inevitable consequence is that some men are reluctant to openly date the person they truly like because they are worried about what their friends or society might think. But this is another topic.

In my opinion, you are deeply trapped in the cliché of "Well, nobody will like me because I'm a nerd", and this cliché has shaped a large part of your self-image. There are many such examples. Who knows, I am one of the biggest victims among them. But at the same time - I'm speaking based on personal experience - to a certain extent, this will become your attitude towards what you do. Yes, popular culture is also responsible (I could write several books about "Pretty Woman" and "Wonderstruck", and then there are all the works of Joss Whedon), and so is ordinary daily culture. However, at the same time, there is a tendency in the past and the present that nerds and nerdy men will fall into a defensive state, this state being both due to the insecurity of low self-esteem and the preemptive rejection of others; a "You can't fire me, I'm quitting" behavior, usually based on being "better" than that.

This defensive mentality often leads to bookworms, especially those who dislike bookworms, huddling together and believing that non-bookworms, especially those who might be regarded as "cool" or "popular" - such as athletes - - to put it mildly, will despise them, and to put it worse, will view them as enemies. As a result, you will see some people choosing to isolate themselves, hiding in smaller and more divided communities, hissing at all those who are not part of their group, thinking that others must already hate them.

What I mean is that your major doesn't mean you can't have a social life. Of course, you spend a lot of time with your classmates, but you can still join some clubs or student organizations so that you can keep in touch with your STEM classmates frequently. It seems that this is largely your own choice.

In fact, this occurs quite frequently in your letter. Especially this part really impressed me: "I often participate in a social group. There I am very popular. Apart from those more attractive and popular women, I get along well with everyone. I have never spoken to them and they have never spoken to me either."

The translation is as follows:

I don't want to say this, but... well, that's where your problem lies! If you don't even talk to these people, I'm not at all surprised that you can't get along with them. You don't interact with them at all! It's very likely that you give off an "I don't want to talk to you" vibe, which would scare away those who want to get in touch with you. One must be extremely motivated - or very self-centered - to overcome obvious signs of disinterest and to start a conversation.

To be honest, it seems to depend entirely on their potential for dating. I couldn't help noticing this part: "We got along very well - although we didn't have many common interests, this relationship was purely work-related, and she was already married." Again, emphasizing. When both people are completely unavailable and your relationship is entirely based on work, it's easy to feel comfortable enough to establish a good relationship with the other person. You're not afraid of being rejected because there's nothing to reject ; you're colleagues, and that's all you expect from this relationship.

I think the core of your problem lies in this "previously rejected" belief. In fact, it sounds as if you are expecting to receive more encouragement or praise from others, especially women, than what is considered reasonable, before you allow yourself to feel satisfied with your appearance and attractiveness. And it is obvious that this self-limiting belief hinders you from truly, you know, having conversations with the people you like.

What I mean is, you said you were involved in various different fields - fitness, outdoor sports, rock music, and so on - and yet the women in these fields weren't interested in you. Well, but... How interested were you in them? Did you talk to them? Did you strike up a conversation, flirt, or try to date? Just chatting? Was there anything else that didn't resemble Joe Fried's kind of "just stating the facts, lady" interaction style?

(Kids, you can search it up on Google.)

Because if you weren't? You wouldn't have received any attention there. I'm not surprised at all. To be honest, if you were waiting for some high-profile signals like "Oh, you're very hot. You should know that I think you're very hot", then you'd have to wait for a very long time.

Part of the reason is that, generally speaking, women are less likely to comment on the appearance of men they don't know well. In fact, there are many reasons why they don't do so - the most important one being that they don't know how the men will react. Many women have learned from personal experience that some men will take any compliment, even something as simple as "Hey, that jacket looks great!", as "Now marry me in the manly way". As I have said many times before, even in the distant year of 2025, women will still face huge social pressure and be afraid to take the initiative or openly express their interest.

However, it is equally important to note that I have some doubts. If a woman shows interest in you, will you be aware of or believe it? If you don't believe others, you will think that you are attractive. The confirmation bias lurking in your mind will consider any behavior that doesn't reach the level of "I want to take you to the bathroom and suck you dry" as wrong or that you misjudged the situation... Even if it does reach that level, you might still think it's a trick or a prank.

Once again, as someone who has personally experienced this issue, I can use my own experience to prove this response. Sorry, Lisa. To be honest, at that time I thought you were mocking me for my sophomore year.

The problem actually lies in the fact that you believe you are not allowed to approach or interact with people you find attractive simply because you think you don't have enough attractiveness to be considered "valuable". But the harsh truth is that waiting for others to recognize your charm before convincing yourself of your own attractiveness will never fill this void. All external recognition is at best temporary. The slightest setback, even a perceived obstacle or hesitation, can be like a stack of Jenga blocks that collapses under the weight of just one brick. It can destroy your self-esteem. Your sense of your own attractiveness must first come from within. If this requires you to think you're a little delusional... well, well. Just be delusional. This is not bad for anyone; it has great benefits for you.

To a large extent, it depends on whether you are willing to treat yourself in a way that you consider sexy first. This means that your dressing and appearance should make you look like a sexy diva, even if at first you thought you were just role-playing. This means that you need to confidently present yourself, even if at the beginning you have to consciously remind yourself to stand straight, hold your chest out, and walk with a slight sway and rhythm. This means that not only do you want to be attractive to sexy people, but you also need to act as if you are "allowed" to do so. Because now, the main reason you date people now - those relationships that make you so dissatisfied - is because you date people who you think won't reject you.

There is no reward without risk, and there is no risk of being rejected without dating. The people we like may not necessarily like us back, and vice versa. But what if you avoid the people you like just to avoid being rejected? Then you will end up in a series of unsatisfactory relationships. This is unfair to both you and those who date you because of their liking for you, even if you are not as enthusiastic towards them.

Start nurturing the relationship with yourself, HoN. Strive to overcome the feeling that "you have to be extremely passionate to embark on this journey". Otherwise, you will only encounter the same problems in the future.

Good luck to you.