I'm 20 years old this year. I've never dated anyone and rarely talk to anyone else. Most of the time, I'm alone. In fact, I have been mostly alone since I was a teenager, and this feeling became even stronger after my parents' divorce. Since then, I have constantly daydreamed, mainly dreaming of girls I saw on TV or the internet. Eventually, this feeling would gradually disappear, either because I haven't seen her for a long time or because I found out she was dating someone else.

Now, in college, I'm still the same: I have no friends (except for a few people I talk to in class), and therefore I have no girls either.

My father still puts pressure on me to find "the one", and others often remind me of this as well. The problem is that I don't want to socialize with people (and of course, not with women either), and I don't understand why. But I admire the seemingly happy aspects of other people's romantic relationships, as well as the kind I see in movies or TV shows - it seems as if my subconscious knows that I've missed some important experiences.

Over the past few months, I have been thinking about a girl I met in college. She was a bit withdrawn. She also had autism. We took the same bus back home. I have been thinking about how to approach her, but I haven't had the chance yet. This year, some students decided to hold a "welcome breakfast" for new students. Since then, many people have gotten to know each other, especially the new students. Of course, I didn't participate, and no one in my class did either. Since that "breakfast", some couples have emerged - some had a relationship confirmed within less than a week. I feel like I missed another important opportunity...

Of course, the girl I mentioned was previously seemingly single, but now she's taken by someone else. Because today I saw her holding hands with a man - he's not particularly handsome, and even shorter and thinner than me. But I won't comment on that. The problem is, this really ruined my day because I realized that the reason she didn't show up on the bus for the past few weeks was because she was spending the night with him. Now I have no one to daydream about - everyone I met during the ten-minute break has already been taken. The group has been formed. And, to be honest, I've never been the type to share my feelings or tastes, so logically, I shouldn't have any expectations for this.

What really bothers me is that it took me so long to get close to her. Now I envy those who can do things that I am unable to.

Over the years, things have gotten worse and worse. Approximately every two weeks, I would have a mental breakdown - usually at night, lying in bed - with all kinds of chaotic thoughts and scenes in my mind. I would keep hitting my head until the breakdown disappeared.

I'm not sure if you know such a person, but I hope you can help me.

Bad brain

Dr. happy pi:

OK, honey, I'll be honest: If you often hurt yourself at night, trying to get rid of those intrusive thoughts, then you shouldn't be worrying about dating right now. Even if it's a bit exaggerated, this is a very clear sign that you should spend more time and energy seeking help rather than trying to meet new people.

Just as I have always said, during a date you don't need to be in perfect condition – neither emotionally nor physically – but you do need to be in good condition. Right now, you aren't. Even in the best-case scenario, these long soul-dark nights you've experienced will make it even harder for you to handle the inevitable tests and hardships of a date. If you have already shown these reactions, then you absolutely need to put your mental health first and put the date on hold until you have this aspect of your life under control.

The good news is that if you are in college, you can enjoy the student health services. This means that there is usually at least one counselor available for consultation, and they are likely to have some professional connections with mental health experts, who can recommend you to seek help. So my advice is to go to the health service center right away and start talking to someone. I have no doubt that this has indeed caused you a lot of stress and pain, but the way you are dealing with it will only make the situation worse.

Based on the information provided by the school about the counselors, you may need to look for a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy; as is well known, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective in controlling intrusive and unpleasant negative thoughts. It is definitely more effective than harming yourself.

I think having a conversation with the counselor could also be helpful in addressing the issues you mentioned in the letter. To be frank: I'm not sure if you know what you want. You seem not interested in actually meeting people or going on dates, but you react very strongly when it comes to getting what you ask for. That is to say: nothing. You said you didn't understand the meaning of dating, but you also feel guilty for missing the opportunity to meet new people. When you said you didn't understand the meaning of trying to date but also envied others' happiness, I couldn't help but wonder which part of this is true. You talked about imagining people on TV, and occasionally imagining your classmates, but you didn't have any real interest in them.

Do you really not want to try making new friends? Or is this just an excuse you're giving yourself? Are you telling yourself that you don't like or don't want to make new friends to avoid exposing yourself to the risk of rejection? After all, one of the reasons why people pay more attention to celebrities on the internet or relatively unfamiliar people is that they are "safe"; that is to say, deep down in your heart you know that these relationships are impossible or won't happen, so you don't need to actually take any action. You can live in your daydreams, have complete control and emotional security, without actually making yourself vulnerable, and without actually letting others get involved and risk being hurt.

I guess this is why your interest gradually fades when you discover that they have a partner; when reality intrudes, it becomes even harder to maintain the illusion. This is not only because of the sense of security brought by the imagined relationship, but also because there is the possibility – that feeling that maybe, maybe this will happen. It's somewhat like the Japanese idol singers and the Korean pop stars shouldn't date or fall in love; this makes their fans have fantasies about them. But to be honest, this is not healthy for anyone, whether it's the fans or the artists. As for your situation... Well, I think it will only make you more isolated.

Now I'm convinced that part of the reason for this lack of interest might be caused by your parents' divorce. It could also be because you are asexual/without romantic inclinations - you simply don't have much interest in romantic relationships or sexual encounters. That's okay. But in my opinion, you don't seem to be willing to be in this self-imposed isolation. And this is indeed something you have imposed on yourself. You choose to cut off your connections with others - these connections you seem to want but also not want.

In fact, you didn't miss the opportunity. You just chose not to take advantage of the opportunities when they arose. You could have met some people at the student breakfast. You might not have developed into a couple, but at least you could have made some friends and met some people. But you decided not to do that. It's important to emphasize this: You decided not to do that. The same goes for chatting with your classmates. You had the chance to talk to her, even on the bus. You met often enough that you could say, "Hey, I think we go to the same school/ take the same classes; are you at $COLLEGE/ taking classes with $PROFESSOR?" Then introduce yourself. You could even say, "We meet every day, take the same bus, but I didn't know your name. It feels strange. My name is..." Then start the conversation like this. But you didn't. Her date? He did...

And this is the key point. Maybe he doesn't have the same kind of attractive appearance as you... but he is still the one who went on a date with her, because he was the one who talked to her. A woman can't go on a date without your invitation, and you can't complain that someone is dating her when you haven't even said "hello". Even if all of this is just your daydream... well, when you base your emotional life on the "possibility" of dating someone in your imagination, this kind of thing happens - it's very likely that someone in reality will go on a date with you.

The lesson we can learn from this is that if you don't take action, others will. No one, even those who theoretically have a crush on you, will wait forever for you to take action. Fictional characters may only exist on the timeline you choose, but people in real life are not like that; they live their own lives, encounter others in the real world, and form relationships with some of them. If you want to establish contact with any of them, you must truly get involved. Otherwise, all that happens is the consequence of your choice to act (or not) on your own.

(Before anyone proposed this suggestion, even jokingly: For the sake of God's love and your own happiness, please do not choose an artificial intelligence girlfriend like Replika, or try to create your own artificial intelligence girlfriend using ChatGPT. You are already in a vulnerable state. Services like Replika bring a series of problems - including the company being able to easily erase your "girlfriend" - chatbots have led emotionally vulnerable people onto some very dark paths.)

I also want to point out that the pressure your father is putting on you is of no help to you. Advising him to stop doing so would be very beneficial to you. Learning to set and maintain boundaries is an important step in enhancing your autonomy and control over your own life.

However - going back to what I said earlier - this matter should be discussed with a counselor or therapist. You urgently need to find one. It's far more important than worrying about not having any fantasy material, because the people you meet during breaks may have partners or may not. You are currently experiencing severe pain, and learning how to handle it in a healthy and harmless way should be your top priority.

So, go to a medical service institution to see what services they can offer. If necessary, you can also consult a psychologist or a psychiatrist. You may need medication and psychological treatment. First and foremost, take good care of yourself and your mental health. No matter in what form it eventually appears, when your physical and mental conditions improve, your interpersonal relationships will be waiting for you.

Good luck to you.