For many years, I have been very grateful for your advice. I wonder if you could help me solve the problem I am currently facing. I am a heterosexual woman in my 30s, and everyone involved here is also in their 30s.

The story is quite long, but in a nutshell, about a year ago I messed up. I had an old friend named G whom I had known for many years. For most of the time I knew G, he had a girlfriend named A. Last year I slept with G. Before our relationship, G told me that he had broken up with A for a while and their relationship was quite good. I was so stupid that I actually believed what he said.

After we went to bed, G told me that he and A were more like "parting ways" rather than actually breaking up. If she found out we were together, she would go "crazy". A few months later, G and A got back together, although I asked him not to say anything. G still told A about this. A didn't go crazy (at least not with me), but she was obviously very annoyed with me. I, G, A and I were never true friends; we were just ordinary acquaintances. But we had many common friends because of some shared interests and hobbies, so we met quite often.

This incident made me feel both stupid and embarrassed. Now, when I go out, I feel unprecedented anxiety. I think neither G nor A has told anyone else, but I always worry that one of them might reveal it, so that I would be excluded. Although my circle claims to be progressive, the reality is that slut-shaming still prevails. I have a group of close friends who will support me, but for the majority of my friends, I'm not so sure. I know G is a jerk, but I still think it's all my fault, and no matter what consequences I face, I deserve it. I should have known that someone like him would do anything for sex. I should have stopped him earlier.

After being with them, I once considered completely giving up our common interests, but that would mean losing a large part of my self-identity. Since G, I haven't dated anyone or slept with anyone, and I don't think I will in the short term. I often think about going on a date again, but later I remember the awkwardness and betrayal after G, and I decided that I need more time. I feel like I have been constantly trying to "prove" that I deserve to be a member of this community, both for myself and for G and A. At least half of the time, I feel that I have lost.

I think this is precisely where I need your help. To prove to myself that I deserve to be a part of this circle, rather than letting all this nonsense affect me like it's doing now. I feel there should be a better way to say this than "prove that I'm worthy", but for now, this is the only way I can think of. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

From the very beginning, we made it clear: This is a problem of G, not yours. In fact, I think the biggest issue here is that you have taken on responsibilities that shouldn't have been yours. Those who know you (as well as G and A) should understand this.

So, as someone who has no connection with the social circle of the three of you, let me point out what I have observed: The person you slept with lied to you and concealed his emotional state. Or, if someone is nitpicky or tries to get out of trouble through a lawyer, then his emotional state is "not clear".

(We'll discuss this issue later. I have some thoughts on it.)

Later on, he finally told you that he hadn't been completely honest about his feelings. Oh, well, now he needs you to keep the secret for him because his girlfriend will go crazy over it. Of course, he first asked you to keep the secret and then told others about it. This made you feel terrible.

To be honest, I think this makes sense. It's logical. The guy deceived you, and you believed him because you didn't expect him to do that... Now, he's a jerk and you're innocent.

"But the doctor," I heard you shout: "I know G is a jerk. He'll do anything to get laid. I should have known!" I replied: He deceived you. So please answer me: If one person lies and another person believes it, in the end, whose fault is it? The liar, or the one who was deceived? We won't - or shouldn't - require people to have interviews and due diligence before believing something, especially when they are talking about romantic relationships or being single. Because taking responsibility for believing a liar is almost setting an impossible standard for oneself. After all, even habitual liars don't lie about everything... And the best liars will add enough truth to their lies to make them more convincing. Unless G's lying has gone beyond "it was a complete mess" and has reached the point where "if he tells you there are 24 hours in a day, you should check it out", otherwise it's not unreasonable to believe that he broke up with A.

But they didn't. At best, he was merely playing word games with you - and his method would definitely be able to convince a rational person of what he wanted them to believe. Even if we admit that he strictly speaking didn't deceive you, but merely fabricated some scenarios so that you could infer one thing, while the truth was otherwise... The responsibility still lies with him. He deliberately deceived you, and then revealed the truth only after the fact, making you feel like an accomplice and forcing you to keep the secret because it would ruin his life. This in itself constitutes what many of my lawyer friends call "guilt consciousness".

Here's what happened: I was able to find ways to make this less contrary to trust. If, you know, I squint my eyes and look closely. I can see some things that were initially based on good faith (well, decent) trust, but later became stepping stones leading to the path of hell. For instance, I can imagine a world where G and A both agree that they "split up", but have completely different interpretations of what "splitting up" means. After all, the argument "we split up" became the cornerstone of "Friends"; it resonated with many people. One person's "splitting up" means "the relationship is over, we are actually single and can choose to be together again", while for the other person, it means "we haven't seen, talked or interacted for a period of time, but our relationship remains valid". Of course, if you don't define the terms, everyone may have different understandings of its meaning, which is somewhat understandable to some extent.

So, he might have done it with good intentions, thinking that "break up" and "separation" were the same thing, just with a slightly shorter duration. Later, he realized that this might have been a mistake. People - regardless of gender - can make foolish decisions in an extremely excited state. He might also have noticed, while observing the indifferent reaction of the "just broken-up" people, that if A knew that you two were sleeping together, she would go crazy. I can imagine him making a final, ultimately wrong decision in a state of panic and confusion.

This situation occurs more frequently than people realize, even among those with good intentions. That's why I firmly believe in the Hanlon Razor principle: never attribute stupidity to malice. We like to assume that we are rational actors, but often the choices we make in the end are driven by anger, fear, ignorance, or just some old-fashioned foolish ideas. We are flawed human beings, and our brains are like uncooked potato starch soaked in random chemicals. We think we make rational choices, but in reality, they are often determined by emotions, and later we adjust our logic when reflecting on those choices.

Of course, this also applies to you. You "should" be clearer about it, you "should" realize what's going on, you "should" prevent it? All of this is hindsight; at the time, you made a decision based on the best information you had. Now you have new information, and this information might affect your decision... But you are handling this matter as if you had always had this information, when in fact you didn't.

Having said all that: Although I can imagine that there might be people in this world who ended up in this situation due to a well-intentioned but wrong choice, I still have some doubts. Especially, your timeline seems to be like a bedsheet that hasn't cooled down yet, and he just says to you, "Oh, by the way..." 。 If he realizes his mistake a few days later and manages to keep the situation under control quietly, that would be fine. But judging from the way you described it, it sounds more like "pushing each other away, taking a deep breath, and then saying, 'So, did I say 'break up'? Actually, I wanted to break up.' " But even just a day or two later, it sounds like he must have waited until he got what he wanted before deciding to come clean, because he knew that telling the truth outright would mean he wouldn't get sex.

But this is still "his" problem, not "your" problem. By blaming yourself later with reasons like "should", "would have", "could", etc., in my opinion, you seem to have accepted what others would say after the fact, and ultimately admitted that to some extent it was your fault. So, although I can understand why you feel the need to give up your community and common interests for this, this idea stems from your belief that you will be blamed, and they should blame you rather than him for deceiving others.

This is why I want to clarify: Sleeping with someone you shouldn't sleep with – I sincerely emphasize that what he said at that time was the truth – does not mean that you "don't deserve" to be in this circle. The worst-case scenario is that you become "guilty" because you trusted a person who deceived you. That's all. Beyond this, any responsibility that goes beyond this limit reaches an incomprehensible level. For example, if you made a mistake by not automatically assuming that G was a lying scoundrel because you believed him... Doesn't this mean that A was also wrong from the very beginning to associate with a lying scoundrel? If you don't believe it, how can A escape the responsibility of believing a liar? After all, in that situation, he was a liar, a liar – this "fact" (please note the ironic quotation marks around "fact") doesn't it mean that she has to bear part of the responsibility for being deceived? Or did she somehow absolve herself of the responsibility of investigating all his accusations?

Of course, if I don't say that people can indeed think this way, then I am also a liar; people are irrational and will casually blame others based on feelings rather than facts and logic, especially when they don't want to carefully examine these actions. But if – if – your friends and community are so hypocritical, it indicates that you need better friends and a better community. It's like when a bullet ant pierces your fragile skin – yes... But it also means that you will eventually leave the bad friends and the bad situation.

So you want to listen to my advice? Stop trying to "prove" anything. You don't need to "be worthy", whether to convince others or to convince yourself that you are being bullied here. It's not that "worthy" people won't encounter bad things (no matter what strange "worthy" definition you use), but that "unworthy" people won't encounter bad things. This is purely an intellectual fallacy. You don't need to prove anything because in the end, only one of the following two situations will occur: either G made a wrong decision and realized it later; or G deceived you and both you and A are victims. If G also pretends to be casual about the story he told A, it's even worse. To be honest, I think this is not an exaggeration.

So my suggestion is, look up and understand that it's not your fault. If he made a wrong choice, unfortunately, he has to bear the consequences and strive to do better next time. If he lies to you (or is "not very honest"), it's his fault, not yours. If G is known to be a liar, you shouldn't trust him at all. Then, if he says it's all your fault and others shouldn't believe him either, it's their fault too. They selectively doubt more because of his nonsense, not because of what you did.

Anyway, take some time to heal. The pain, humiliation and betrayal you are experiencing are all real. These feelings are completely understandable; you are a reasonable person, just experiencing some unreasonable things. However, the responsibility lies with him, not you. Taking on these responsibilities will only make you feel worse for no reason. Keep a distance from G - even if it's just being polite, maintaining a distance, and keeping a distance when he and A are around - forgive yourself for making a decision that you wouldn't have made if you had known more information beforehand, and give yourself closure. This is not your fault, it's his.

One more thing. Although I'm sure someone will advise you on how to "avoid" any rumors or leaks, I think it's of no use. Unless he (or A) has already or is likely to start spreading this matter, attempting to take the lead is likely to backfire. It not only diverts the topic but also draws attention to the rumors. I think the best thing you can do is to stick to your values and integrity, rather than taking on responsibilities that don't belong to you. Those who know you and know that you are honest will understand that you won't pursue someone else's boyfriend. As for those who think you are the liar Jezebel? That's just their own nonsense.

Good luck to you.