Hello.

I'm a long-time reader and this is my first time writing to you. I'm writing to you because I'd like to seek some advice regarding a lady I recently met. I'm currently undergoing psychological counseling and am working hard to improve. I assure you, this is a dating issue, but I just feel the need to provide some background.

I'm 40 years old and still a virgin. I've never had a relationship with any woman. I grew up in an abusive family. My father was absent and my mother was very irritable. During my primary and secondary school years, I was often bullied by my friends and my elder sister. Although I never resorted to violence, because of the saying "Like father, like son", I was always prone to anger and fear. Around the age of 20, I met my "friends", who suffered from depression and anxiety. This made me very negative and resentful, and I was always on the verge of breaking down. I never thought about having a romantic relationship during my teenage years.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 21. The woman I fell for was someone I met at work. Let's call her S. She directly invited me to watch a movie. I fell deeply in love with her. Maybe it was because it was the first time I had seen a woman so deeply, or perhaps it was because she made me feel special. However, that date never happened because she neither showed up at the cinema nor answered her phone that night. I didn't care. I kept asking her out again and again. She always agreed but never showed up at the appointed time. I guess my behavior should have a name, but let's not digress. Eventually, I mustered up the courage to end this "relationship" and decided to leave her. But she still sent me date invitations from time to time. I always refused. Fortunately, she moved to another city and this relationship came to an end.

I became full of resentment and hatred towards others, especially women, and never thought of starting a relationship. When I was young, I wasn't sexy, but I had my own unique cold and bad boy style, which made some people look at me sideways (I didn't mean to, it was just my nature). Some girls tried to approach me many times, and some were more persistent than others, especially when we were forced to stay in the same space for a long time, such as in a university classroom or workplace. And because of past experiences, I got stuck in the idea that all women just wanted to hurt me or were just looking for something that a man like me, who was physically and mentally exhausted, didn't have. Therefore, my thoughts about love became obsessed, yet I was too afraid to pursue it. When a woman tried to approach me, I just froze. When that woman stopped looking for me, I took it as a serious offense and felt angry, thinking that she was just trying to make fun of me, hurt my self-esteem, and so on. When I couldn't control my anger, I would hurt others. I never used violence, but I learned how to make others feel sad without my mother noticing (for a very absurd example: when I said I wanted to live alone, my mother didn't talk to me for months, didn't answer my calls, and didn't even reply to a simple "hello"). In short, I became a monster who hurt many women.

This story could fill several pages, so I'll stop here. I just want to add that a few years ago, another colleague also tried, but my anxiety was so severe that my mind went blank, my body stiffened, and I couldn't even think. I had a panic attack and was so anxious that I couldn't sleep at all. I couldn't sleep for 22 consecutive days and my heart was beating very fast. At first, I could still tolerate this state, but after a few weeks, my body couldn't take it anymore, so I decided to seek help.

As I said, I'm working on myself. I've let go of most of my anger and slightly changed my style. Now I'm more willing to be a passionate person (well, I'm trying), rather than the cold and ruthless bad boy image I used to have. I've been on a diet and lost a little weight. Some might say it's "nothing special". So, I'm seeking some dating advice. One of my hobbies is photography, but I've never received specialized training. So, I decided to sign up for a beginner's course, just to hone my skills and, frankly, to meet other women. I met a woman I like and can talk to freely. Let's call her A. To be fair, she's the first connection I've made with a woman on my own initiative. In the past, it was always the women who reached out to me.

When we first talked, I immediately felt that she might be interested in me. She smiled in a very special way, not only moving her lips but also her eyes. She tilted her head and had her hands behind her back. I tried to control my body language, keeping my torso open and facing her with my knees and face (at least, that's what I learned from your column). I was trying to overcome my fear of women at that time, so I politely tried to find ways to leave the conversation a few times, but was pulled back by her requests and comments. I still don't understand how I managed it, but I actually talked to a stranger for 30 minutes while controlling my anxiety. It felt great. The following week, we had another brief conversation. My fear made me have to escape, so I politely ended the talk. A few days ago, we had a photography training session outside the studio with the coach and exchanged opinions on the assigned tasks. She didn't feel well and sometimes sat or knelt when the coach explained the next task. I asked if she was okay and she smiled and told me it was just a stomachache. I thought it might be her period, but didn't want to pry. I just asked if I could help her carry the camera or bag, but she refused. I felt I was being too pushy, so I kept my distance from her. The problem was, a few minutes later, the coach proposed several tasks, one of which required two people to take a portrait with a blurred background. So, I immediately walked up to her and said, "Hey, be my model." She immediately smiled and agreed, and warned another person in the class that she had to do the task with me. We took pictures of each other and I said I wanted to put one of her photos in my Facebook profile.

After that, we sat on a bench and waited for the others to finish their tasks. We chatted for a while. She asked about my job and I learned that she was still in college (which made me think there might be a ten-year age gap between us). We also talked about our passion for photography and some trivial matters. In the end, I really wanted to accompany her to the station, but considering that she might be having her period, I decided not to make her feel too awkward. So, we said goodbye with smiles. This was the first time I had been so honest with a girl, and I was even surprised that I could invite her to be on my team. So, I thought it wouldn't be bad to get to know her better. I sent her a private text message, wanting to send her the photos I had taken of her, and she did the same. Actually, there was no need to send a text message because we had a Facebook group where we would share photos for the coach to evaluate, but she still replied to me. I decided that if she gave any hints, I would ask her out on our next class. She was a little late and we didn't get to talk, but she greeted me with a bright smile and a gaze. In fact, her eyes seemed to linger for too long, which was a bit abnormal. So, I waited for her at the end and asked her to walk with me for a few steps, while asking if she wanted to do the next assignment together. She told me it was hard for her to find free time and her speech became hesitant, so I just smiled and said, "It's okay, I won't insist." I believe she rejected me. Finally, she greeted me with an apologetic smile and patted my forearm.

After all this, I'm still very happy. I just got back what S. stole from me 19 years ago and then threw away. Now, although both my therapist and I think this is a huge progress overall, there are still two problems. The first one is: What did I do wrong? I believe all the signs were there. She agreed to be with me, left someone else, replied to me in a private way without reminding me that this was a public space, and her body language was also consistent. So, why didn't she agree to go on a date with me? I can't figure it out, but I don't understand. I was thinking about flirting. I've never really tried flirting with a woman before, and this time was no exception. There was no physical contact between us except for a handshake. The problem is, before taking such an action, I wanted to get to know this person better, and... I don't know, should I have flirted from the very beginning? I didn't know much about this girl except that I liked her and she was easy to communicate with. Do I have the right to get to know someone better before taking action? I don't know how the world works, so I'm confused.

The second question is: How should I get along with her in the future? (I hope you can reply to this letter within a reasonable time.) I think the right thing to do is to continue talking to her as if nothing had happened, to show her respect and to prove that I don't just see her as a cute little girl. But what if she breaks down? What if I can't live a normal life? What if my anger flares up again? Considering my personal background, wouldn't it be better to just say "hi" and nothing else from now on? Wouldn't that be a safer way for her? I just don't want to hurt her. That's all.

It's such a pity to lose her. The course is coming to an end and we have no other common interests, so we'll have to say goodbye soon.

I'm very sorry if my writing seems rough. English is not my native language.

Thank you!

Oh dear, SCS, there are a lot of things here. I think we should talk less about how to handle things and more about whether you are ready for the date. As I always say: A date doesn't have to be perfect, but you do need to be in good condition. Of course, I don't think you are mentally unstable or have any flaws, but I suspect you are still carrying the anxiety and pain from the abuse you suffered in the past, and these might be causing you trouble unconsciously.

So, from the very beginning, we have to admit an obvious fact: You have gone through too much. Growing up in a family that continuously abused you – even if there was no physical abuse – will leave scars on you, as well as many patterns and behaviors that you have to change. This is not strange, nor is it necessarily a bad thing; many of the things you experienced and dealt with during your growth were the ideas you were instilled with, well... Everyone does the same. After experiencing years of abuse from those who were supposed to love and care for you, you will quickly withdraw, and quickly form the worst impressions of others. This is not strange.

Taking the risk of sounding dismissive or rash, you are very much like a wild cat; you may long for love and care, for someone to care about your sense of security, but you have become so accustomed to being hurt or being driven away that you don't know how to accept it. You glare at everyone who offers you a hand, and this is largely because... well, every time someone offers you a hand, you use your other hand to hit yourself. Now, even the gentlest gestures will make you retreat and fight back, because that's what you have been trained to do. Even years later, after you have left that abusive environment, you are still dealing with the aftereffects, because our brains want to ensure our safety; happiness is not something we really need to consider.

And - once again, this is a not-so-polite but appropriate metaphor - it's like a wild cat. It takes time and careful handling to build the ability to trust, and it doesn't automatically assume that people are just out to deceive or harm you.

Ironically, if it weren't for the abuse you suffered, many of the situations you mentioned in the past wouldn't have become major problems. You long for love and care, while remaining vigilant of any signs of betrayal. This mixed emotion leaves you in a strange position: the abuse often makes you feel more "hopeful", while those who sincerely try to contact you make you feel they are deceiving you. For example, if you haven't had a miserable childhood, you wouldn't have quarreled so much with that colleague who always invited you out and then disappeared without a trace. You would probably realize the truth of the situation - that she herself also has unresolved issues - and have a better way to deal with it, rather than trying over and over again. However, because you have always hoped since childhood that someone could express love to you - and quite possibly it did: "I have to perform this special dance to get care and attention, and if I don't do it perfectly, I will be punished" - you have fallen into a pattern, trying to find a correct way to attract her attention and maintain it.

Fortunately, you were able to realize that this was a bad situation and gave up. However, it would have been better if you had realized this earlier.

Similarly, that feeling of desperately craving love but not getting it and then becoming angry and resentful is the same. Similarly, this is the idea that has been instilled in you; you long for, even need something, but are refused by those who are supposed to love you, and what you ultimately get comes from the hand that hit you when you asked for affection in the first place. Your behavior is the same as well – you have been taught this idea, that is, how to respond to others when they annoy you.

I would like to know if the statement "I have become a monster" you used to label yourself is accurate. You didn't provide many details, but the example you mentioned - your mother not talking to you for a month - although very hurtful, I think it doesn't make you a monster. This sounds like you are being cold towards those who reject you. This is very manipulative and can cause pain to others, but it doesn't fall under the category of "I am not suitable to coexist with others". If this is the extent of your behavior, and it happens when you are with people who basically never had a real relationship with you in the first place, it is especially so. Avoiding relatively unfamiliar people is often regarded as unfriendly or closed, rather than being a monster.

Unless you have even worse experiences (which is of course possible), such incidents would make me wonder whether the statement "I have become a monster" is more about how the abuser teaches you to view yourself. God knows, many children affected by abusive parents still believe without any basis that there are certain flaws (or acquired flaws) in themselves, and these flaws make their abusive behavior "reasonable"; after all, if family members who are supposed to love and care for you treat you like this, then believing that there are flaws in yourself seems "logical". It's easy to thus infer that "I am the worst".

Of course, there are also situations where some victims of abuse eventually pass on the abuse to others; if that is the case, then I hope this has become a significant part of your cooperation with the therapist, and you have been constantly seeking ways to make up for it (in a way that won't make the situation worse for those who you might have harmed).

I think it's necessary to bring this up because it directly affects the way you interact with your classmates. You know that I often tell men that they overestimate others' interests or confuse friendliness with flirting? I think you actually got it the wrong way around: You always assume that others will reject you because it's hard for you to believe that others will like you. As a result, you tend to think that all situations are manifestations of rejection.

Here's the situation: The behavior you described is very consistent with someone who likes you. This may not be due to romantic feelings, but she does enjoy your company, your conversations, and the time spent together. She deliberately spends time with you, chooses to work with you, especially when completing a class project together, or simply going out to chat. All of these are positive signs. The closest thing to negative signs we have at the moment is that she declined an invitation to study together because, according to her, she has difficulty finding free time. Considering that she seems to be in her twenties to early thirties and is a college student, if I found this to be an undisguised fact, I wouldn't be surprised at all. Depending on the circumstances, she might be a full-time student with heavy coursework, or a part-time student who works (or several jobs) to make ends meet. Now that time is precious, this is quite normal. The fact that she stammers when speaking is probably her way of indicating that she's not saying "no" or that she's not interested; if you are certain that you have been rejected, then if you no longer pay close attention or don't necessarily listen to what she's saying, I won't be surprised.

So, this time, I think we have come across a genuine case. You gave up too easily instead of nurturing a dying plant. I believe in such circumstances, your history of abuse led you to assume that she would refuse without even refusing yourself, and to respond to these assumptions rather than seeking clarification. For instance, you could offer to take her to the station. You have already shown that you have no objection to the response "No, thank you", so if she refuses you, I think you won't have any problems.

So I think you actually didn't do anything wrong. I think the worst-case scenario is that she just regarded you as a classmate or acquaintance. And it's hard for you to accept that someone might not reject you. I think you might have missed the opportunity to follow up or contact her, but I don't think you made any mistake that caused her to dislike you.

Regarding your second question: Well, as I said, first of all, I think you should assume that she might reject you. Even if she declines your date invitation, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you or that there is no friendship between you. I think you definitely should continue chatting with her and treat her politely. I think inviting her to have coffee, visit an art exhibition or participate in other activities would also be fine. If you really ask her out, I think inviting the one who said "no" would make you feel better - for example, "Hey, I'm going to $COOL_EVENT this weekend. I think you'll like it. If you're not interested, it's completely fine, but I think it would be fun for us to go together."

Firstly, you invite her to participate in a specific event held at a certain time and place; this enables her to say "yes" or "no", rather than something more vague like "having time to get together".

Secondly, by allowing the other person to say "no", you clearly indicate that you have given her the space to decide for herself how interested she is in you – whether she thinks you might be a friend, whether she wants to go on a date with you, or that you are just her classmate, and that's all. This also lets her know that even if she is not interested, you won't act so strangely; clearly stating that you don't mind saying "no, thank you" will make her feel much more at ease, especially when she is worried that you might misunderstand or think poorly of her.

Even so, I think if you imagine it as inviting friends to do something together rather than a date, you might feel more at ease. This is the first time you've felt this kind of mutual concern in such a long time. It's understandable that you're worried about overreacting or giving a bad response. After all, you've had this experience before, and it's normal to worry that anger will resurface. This seems unlikely, but it's not groundless. That's why I think it might be helpful for you to handle things gradually and assume that maintaining a friendship for a while first might be beneficial. This can reduce your stress and allow you not to have to worry about how to turn this relationship into a romantic one, or how to maintain a relationship while you're still dealing with all the harm caused by the abuser. When the risks are lower, everything becomes simpler and easier to handle. Don't put pressure on yourself and don't guess afterwards. This can release your emotional and mental bandwidth, giving you more opportunities to get to know this person. After all, you are classmates, but you don't know each other very well yet.

I also suggest that you shouldn't think that you won't see her or talk to her again after the course is over. It's completely normal to keep in touch with people you meet in such classes. All you need to say is "Hey, I really enjoyed our class together and I'd like to keep in touch." This should be enough. She seems to be quite willing to chat with you privately; this kind of connection will only continue after the course is over.

I think you are still dealing with the many scars and negative patterns caused by the abuse, which is tormenting you. You might not be ready to start dating yet, or you might feel unsafe... But I believe you are definitely approaching that stage. You have come a long way, and you should be proud of the efforts you have made and the achievements you have gained. You should be more confident in your progress and healing, and don't be afraid to accept that others can and will like you. You can take the initiative to contact, don't give up when you encounter resistance, and believe that others truly like you.

You'll be fine. I promise.

Everything will be fine.