When I (17 years old, female, 16 years old) started dating my boyfriend (17 years old, male, call him Ben), I wasn't very willing to start a relationship. But after talking to my mom, I decided to give it a try. I knew that Ben had a relationship with his ex-girlfriend (16 years old, female, 15 years old, when they were dating. Call her Jane). He very honestly admitted that there were some things that shouldn't have happened between them. This made me a little uneasy, so I clearly defined my bottom line - I don't want to have sex (there's nothing shameful about doing this), and there are several reasons for this.
1.My religious beliefs. The people in my church have a rule that prohibits any immoral behavior before marriage, and I am very firm in adhering to this rule.
2. I am an outstanding student. I don't want to ruin my high school education, my university studies, and my career prospects because of an accidental pregnancy.
3. I think this is extremely disgusting. Let me say it again, those who do such things have nothing to be ashamed of - not at all. I just find it extremely offensive.
Ben and I believe in the same religion, but his sense of morality has declined due to the people he interacts with. Because he made some unreliable friends, he eventually would view some explicit pictures and then have some... thoughts. In the end, he had a conflict with Jane, but this is nothing, because her sense of morality is also very low.
But in the early stages of our relationship, he respected my boundaries. He wouldn't tell me vulgar jokes, nor would he touch me in a way that I didn't want. He said he regretted everything that happened with Jane and didn't want such things to happen again. During the first few months of our relationship, he did behave in this way. But about two months and a few weeks into our relationship, he began to tell some inappropriate jokes and suggested that we do things that made me feel uncomfortable.
Just as our three-month anniversary of our relationship was approaching, I broke up with him because he called my bottom line "boring and annoying". I didn't want to think about those blatant behaviors. I felt he was embarrassed because he admitted that he was always thinking about these things. After the breakup, we still maintained a friendly relationship. When he said my bottom line was boring, he said "it was just a joke", but I had a vague feeling that he was finding excuses for his actions. He blamed all the inappropriate jokes on the recurrence of old habits. Eventually, we got back together and I set a "no contact" rule for him. This time, he even didn't have to put much effort to resume his previous bad behavior. When I criticized him and we completely cut off contact, he again blamed the recurrence of old habits, saying "I was doing well before, but then I made a mistake", because he kept making bad jokes repeatedly. Even without other reasons, he should have behaved better and not violated my bottom line.
We haven't communicated for several weeks. On reflection, I became aware of his obvious controlling behavior. I know he doesn't respect my boundaries. I've tried to talk to him about my boundaries several times, and each time it was somewhat helpful. But then he would go back on his word. If I didn't tell him that certain things he did were bothering me, he would get very angry. But as soon as he felt safe again, he would repeat the same behavior.
My question is: Is it possible for me to collaborate with him? Or is this relationship already hopeless? If I can succeed, what should I do?
Dr.happy pi:
Oh my god, you guys are all too young...
OK.
To be straightforward: Break up with him, B&S. This relationship will have no outcome. Just end it completely. First of all, your expectations for the relationship are completely different, and these expectations are completely opposite. There can be no real compromise between you unless one of you "loses" - there's no more appropriate word to describe it - and, no matter which one makes the concession, there won't be any real benefit. You've experienced it twice already, which is enough to show that this relationship will have no outcome. Having experienced it twice, you really don't need a third time to realize that this relationship won't work. Don't try to salvage it, don't get back together with him, and don't listen to his promises that this time will be different. He can find someone who values physical intimacy just as much as him, and you can also find someone who wants to wait until marriage.
On the other hand: Oh my god, your predecessor performed extremely poorly on this issue. This in itself is a problem.
Now I really want to stop here, but I think there are a few things that should be mentioned, even if only to be of some help to your future relationship.
First and foremost, and most importantly: You don't need to explain why you don't want to have sexual relations. It's the same for me and for everyone else. If you don't want premarital sex, just say that. Don't want to have sexual relations? It's still the same. Explaining your reasons can help others understand and also help determine whether your thoughts are consistent, but you don't need to list all the reasons to prove that your decision is correct. That's why we say "no" is a complete sentence; once you start explaining the reasons to someone who doesn't want to hear "no", they will only see it as an opening statement of negotiation rather than the end of the discussion. You have your reasons, and your reasons are your own. These reasons are unquestionable. People can express their opinions on these reasons, but they have no voting rights. If when you say "no, I don't want to", someone doesn't respect or listen, these reasons won't be able to change their minds.
Will this limit your choice of dates? Will others then be reluctant to go on dates with you? Yes, definitely. But this is the trade-off of boundaries; people will actively choose to withdraw from your date. It depends on whether you are willing to accept such an exchange. If so, that would be great! Everything will go as planned. People will think your boundaries are bad, or not set well, or something else? Of course... But that's their problem, not yours. You don't have to listen to them because, as I said: This is your own decision and you have the final say.
Secondly: This is definitely not a matter of "morality" or "ideas", nor is it influenced by his friends. To be honest, blaming them is one of the reasons why you keep dancing this dance with him over and over again. You attribute many of his behaviors and choices to the influence of others rather than just to himself, which makes it easier for you to believe that things might be different this time. But this really has to do with what you wanted in the first place and your own decision, rather than whether his friends had "negative influence".
I can assure you: No matter what his circle of friends is like, he will watch pornographic films and desire sex because he is a sexually active teenager. Will his friends stimulate him or make jokes about his virgin relationship with you? This is certainly possible because teenagers can sometimes be very naughty. But this does not mean that they make him think about sex or desire to have sex.
I'm 17 years old, and I'm in one of the most tumultuous periods of my life. Like all 17-year-olds, regardless of gender, I have to deal with the hormonal tsunami, physical changes, and psychological confusion, and start to try to establish my own identity. He - to be honest, most people at my age - will consider sex or be interested in sex because it is a part of the human physiology during this age. This is not a matter of "avoiding temptation" or having excessive sexual desire because of "immoral behavior"; he may lead a monastic-like life, but still has sexual fantasies and desires to be satisfied. A gentle breeze is enough to make him think of sex, because this is the life of a teenager.
But his desire for sex is not the real issue. The fact that he desires sex is not important; it's the same as if you didn't care about sex itself. The problem lies in his lack of respect for your boundaries and his unwillingness to take responsibility for his actions or desires.
If he were willing to wait and satisfy his own needs (that is, engage in masturbation) during this period, so that he wouldn't bother you anymore and wouldn't cause you any worries about sex or sexual contact, that would be understandable. But he didn't do that. Now, to be fair: Maybe he was serious at that time. At least, the first time was serious. It's entirely possible, from a rational perspective, that he thought he could abstain from sex with you until they got married. I'm skeptical about this, but it's indeed possible.
But even if that is the case, it is the actions, not the intentions, that cause the differences, and his actions are the problem. He is not joking. He made the comments because he was sad and frustrated that he didn't get what he wanted. He tells you that those were jokes because he saw that you were sad and he wanted you to stop being angry with him. He didn't "relapse into old habits". He did this not because he was exempt from the failure of the wisdom check and couldn't extricate himself. He did this because he was very hungry and thirsty for some form of sexual release. Blaming these fictional "relapses into old habits" is his attempt to invent a "card of avoiding consequences" and throw it on the table. He tells you that he thinks you want to hear what he says, so that you will continue to date him, and he also has more opportunities to try to change your mind.
The problem lies here. The problem is not his sexual desire, but rather his unwillingness to admit this, his unwillingness to admit that he can only have a relationship with you, or have a physical relationship, but not both.
This is actually not surprising; a 17-year-old is not yet capable of taking responsibility, and their understanding of sex and romantic relationships is not yet clear. However, this cannot be used as an excuse for his inappropriate behavior. He got very angry when things didn't go the way he wanted, and he also appeared hypocritical when criticized.
For instance, if he simply ended the relationship without trying to persuade you to change your mind, or lecturing you about your "lack of standards", the situation would be different. If he believed that sex or some form of physical contact was more important to him and thus ended the relationship, that would be fine. Ending the relationship would be painful, and ending it because of sex would add an extra layer of pain, but eventually it would still end because he respected your wishes. You two just didn't agree on the aspects necessary to maintain a relationship. But he didn't.
On the contrary, he behaved like a jerk, which is definitely not a good thing. And after you brought him back, he was still like that. This shows that you fully understand: This simply won't work. He is that kind of jerk. You dumped him twice and you were right to do so.
You don't want to have sex, but he does. This doesn't mean he's a bad person. You two don't get along well, but that doesn't mean he's a bad person; your relationship breaking up doesn't mean he's a bad person either. When you say you don't want premarital sex, but he provokes, irritates and forces you, that's why he's a jerk.
This is a valuable lesson for your future development: If someone behaves in a way that doesn't suit you, then you have every reason to end the relationship. If they don't respect your boundaries, especially in terms of sex, then you shouldn't even consider dating them. Treat them as if you had discovered that the car you bought was defective - return it to the manufacturer immediately and then look for someone who gets along with you.
As for this... Well, if we're lucky, this will be a learning experience that will help him mature and grow. At that time, he will look back and say, "I was really a jerk back then." But from now on, you don't need to worry about this anymore. Let him immerse himself in the past and look for the person who is truly right for him.
Good luck to you.