Hey, doctor,

I have never been so confused in my life.

I'm 41 years old, divorced (amicably), and have two children. To be honest, I feel a bit lonely. Now that the kids are grown up, co-parenting them has given me enough time to take care of myself. My eldest son has an intellectual disability, which keeps me quite busy, but I can still manage to make ends meet. Financially, I'm stable - I support my children and even help my ex-wife. All in all, I'm just an ordinary person trying to survive in this crazy world.

Then, this ordinary person messed things up.

I fell in love with a colleague who is much younger than me (she is 26 years old). We still work very closely together, which makes things even more complicated.

Here's the thing: We got along so well that we started sleeping together. Then we broke up. Then we started dating again. Then we broke up again. Now, we're in a dilemma, not knowing how to get along.

As for me, I have always been very clear: my feelings for her are sincere. I deeply love her. She said she cares about me too, but she hinted that I'm not the one she wants to marry. This might be because of my identity, my age, and the fact that I'm a Muslim while she's a Christian.

I can accept a "no". What confuses me is the repeated rejections. When we were together, she was either distant from me or overly clingy. Once, we broke up because I made a joke she didn't like. A week later, she called and said she missed me, and we got back together.

Now, we've "broken up" again - this time because I said another thing. I told her I would respect her decision, but that didn't ease my pain. So, I've been keeping my distance.

Things got tricky: she didn't want me to drift away from her. She wanted to remain close friends. But I wanted more. This led to arguments, as she kept reaching out to me and I kept turning her down. The cycle eventually wore her out, and she declared that we would only communicate as colleagues.

It's just... that wasn't true. Recently she asked me out and admitted that it wasn't intentional. She didn't want to lose me as her closest friend. I explained my feelings again and it seems she understands now.

The problem lies with me. I still want to be close to her, but I know I shouldn't. It's been weeks since we last had a heart-to-heart, and months since we last slept together, but I still can't stop thinking about her. Working with her doesn't help either. She always needs me so much, and when I'm trying to keep my distance, she comes to me. I can't even bring myself to date other women!

I even wonder if I'm being like a "Prince Charming". Her past has been quite tough: her father left her when she was very young, she grew up in a single-parent family, and just a year before we started dating, her engagement broke down.

Doctor, help me. Is this antisocial behavior? Can time or space solve this problem? Or should I quit the job I've held for over ten years because of this?

I once again urge everyone to understand the meaning of certain terms before using them casually. Antisocial personality has a specific meaning - it refers to those who are indifferent to right and wrong, disregard the feelings of others, ignore risks and safety (both for themselves and others), use lies, manipulation and deception to satisfy personal desires, and tend to casually neglect personal responsibilities and obligations, while firmly believing that they are superior to everyone else.

Now I understand why some of these statements might seem similar to your colleagues or exes. But there is a crucial difference: true sociopaths often struggle to hold onto jobs and frequently get into legal trouble because they feel rules don't apply to them. They are also often hostile and aggressive, frequently lashing out at others in anger and showing little hesitation in resorting to violence.

None of this seems to apply to your colleague. Most of what you described seems to indicate that she doesn't know how to express what she wants and appears very immature. That "get closer to me" stunt? I'd guess that's more common among high school and college students than among adults. To say she (or her behavior) is antisocial is at best an exaggeration, because most of her behavior is just annoying. It's understandable and I'm sure it's very frustrating... but she's not antisocial and it doesn't mean she has a mental problem. In my opinion, what she needs most is to grow up completely.

But this is a minor issue. Let's focus on the relationship between you and her. To be honest, I don't think this relationship has a future. Part of the problem is that neither of you has truly shone for yourselves. True, she has taken on most of the responsibility, but you both have some issues to sort out as well.

The first thing to consider is that although you clearly have a physical chemistry with each other - after all, you seem unable to resist going to bed together - you are simply not a good match. The problem is that great sex can sometimes mask the fact that the only attraction between you is sexual. As the poet said, "But what happens when you're not in bed?"

As we can see, we've ended up in a "train derailment" situation because you two are simply not compatible. What you want is completely different, you are at different stages of life, and as I said, she seems unable to communicate like an adult. If you were only interested in the occasional fling or if she could be honest about what she really wants, that would be fine, but you're not, and she clearly can't. So, that's it.

Part of the problem is that she doesn't know what she wants. I suspect that part of the reason is that she has conflicting ideas in her mind. On the one hand, she seems to want you in her life and gets anxious when you threaten to distance yourself from her. On the other hand, she seems to have an emotional narrative that keeps you at arm's length - starting with "You're not the man I would marry." Maybe it's because you're Muslim, maybe it's because you're older than her, maybe it's because she doesn't like the way you switch hands when using a knife and fork at meals. The reason ultimately doesn't matter, because it's just an excuse; I suspect the real problem is that it goes against some of her views on what she wants or does.

This is a problem that many people of all genders are struggling with: they feel that what they think they want (or are told they want) conflicts with their actual feelings. Before they resolve the conflict and can take responsibility for their decisions in some way, they get stuck in a seemingly endless and frustrating cycle. But - dragging this back to your situation, kicking and screaming - that's their problem, not yours. You have no obligation to solve it, and you can't do anything for them. This is a time when you must be willing to stand up for yourself and realize that this relationship simply cannot be sustained. You must put on your own oxygen mask first before you can help others put on theirs, and you haven't been able to do that.

You yourself said this: She wants to treat you as her closest friend, but you want more. Well... you won't succeed. She has proved this many times. It sounds like she may have reached a point where she's not ready to date anyone, let alone someone who clearly wants a deeper commitment than she's willing or able to give or accept.

But it won't help if you keep hoping that there might be a way to resolve the crisis. Your relationship is so fragile that a clumsy joke can ruin it, but the joke is not enough to make her not want to get back together with you a week later? Well... then the problem is not the joke itself. The problem lies elsewhere, and the joke is just an excuse. But if she doesn't know what the real problem is - or doesn't want to tell you - then your relationship is doomed, because you will eventually trip over that stumbling block again and start this vicious cycle anew.

Another important issue is that she seems to have no respect for your boundaries at all. You have tried to keep your distance to protect your emotional safety, which is good and the right thing to do. However, every time you do this, she throws a tantrum because she doesn't want to lose you as a "friend". Well, of course, it's good to want something. But being "just" friends with her and the kind of closeness she seems to need is hurting you.

But doing so actually does you no good, because when you inevitably encounter resistance from your own boundaries, you'll crumble like cardboard. This approach will only make her think you have no boundaries and that you're just hinting in a tough way. And to be honest, these words don't even seem that tough.

The reason is not hard to understand; you still hold onto the hope of winning, just like a bad poker player hoping to draw an inside straight on the river. Well, listen up, I've been there myself, and I'm here to tell you: it won't happen. Next, you'll fall into the same cycle again: you get close, she pulls away, you set boundaries, she becomes clingy, you give in, she pulls away. You'll open up your heart once more, thinking maybe this time she'll understand, and the cycle repeats itself. The fifth round, just like the first, is louder and even worse.

As the saying goes, this is a strange game because the only way to win is not to play. Well, you've passed the stage where you need to stop playing. The only way to end this cycle is to stand your ground. You won't be able to build a relationship with her. Her "friendship" is exhausting because she needs you and dumps all her needs on you. Breaking this cycle requires you to finally give up the idea of dating her, set some firm boundaries and enforce them. This means not giving in to her tantrums, nor to her pleadings and begging. You must be willing to say, "I told you what kind of relationship I'm willing to have with you; this isn't it," and refuse to give in again.

Will this have consequences? Sure. This means she will be very angry. This means you must accept that she will not appear in your life in any form other than as a colleague. But that's what boundaries are for: they have consequences. If there were no consequences, you wouldn't need boundaries. Consequences are part of what happens when people try to cross boundaries. Accepting these consequences is an important part of setting boundaries: you are reminding yourself that sometimes you have to put yourself and your needs first, even if others object. Firmly object.

Let me say it again, frankly: This is the reason why you can't move on. You hold on to the hope that this situation will change, but it won't. No matter how many heart-to-hearts you have, you can't change it. Only when she is willing to change will the situation change, and no one can guarantee that that day will come, nor can they guarantee that it will be to your advantage.

You once had a relationship with someone who ultimately wasn't right for you and it didn't work out. It's a pity, but there will be others in the future. The best thing you can do is to love yourself enough, let go of this relationship and move on.

Good luck to you.