To make a long story short, they're still together, despite having new insights (and a huge flashing alarm, which I'll get to later).

He went back to school and started working on another degree. Not long after I last wrote, they moved to the other side again. He only has one year left of study, so I hope he can finish his degree before they move to another campus again.

A few years ago, a few of us friends planned a weekend getaway because most of us had scattered across the country since we grew up. But the most exciting part was that a friend of ours who had moved to Australia many years ago (let's call her "bestie") was coming back to the US to travel with us. This was also a big deal for Gary because (you might have guessed it) bestie was probably Gary's closest and oldest friend, and it was she who first introduced Gary to us.

Due to the pandemic, school and moving, Gary hasn't worked for several years and has been completely dependent on Amanda financially. Considering this and knowing that it was Amanda's first time home in years, my team and I agreed to cover all of Gary's expenses for this trip so that he wouldn't miss it. At first, Gary was very excited. He helped us arrange the itinerary, plan, etc. But later, as usual, he eventually stopped replying to any messages at all. Any questions about weekend activities were ignored.

Alas, about two weeks before the trip, he informed us that he was unfortunately unable to attend and hoped we would all have a great time. Sadly, that weekend, no one was completely surprised by the outcome. Our best friend was completely devastated. One of our friends jokingly suggested that we fly over and "kidnap" him, taking him on the trip like a cult deprogrammer. In the end, we continued to enjoy the weekend, lamenting his absence.

It was not until that holiday that we got a deeper understanding of what had happened. Apparently, although she didn't mind at first, as the weekend approached, Amanda found him and said she "couldn't bear the thought of the trip without him".

Three nights. She couldn't be away from him for three nights.

Surprisingly, we learned that Gary (finally) really opposed it. That's why it took us so long to get a clear reply. Eventually, he gave in because he felt that her financial support over the years during his unemployment made him "owe" her. "When I have my own job and money, I can give more," he told us. My other mutual friends and I are doing our best to help him find a job as soon as he graduates. It would be great if he could regain a bit of financial independence.

Anyway, regarding the alarm I mentioned earlier...

A month ago, Gary sent me a message asking what it was like to raise children (my wife and I have two little ones). Apparently, he and Amanda have been considering having kids. He wanted to hear my thoughts on things like the feelings of being a parent, the changes in lifestyle, and so on. I tried to be as honest as possible and talked about the realities of raising children. It's wonderful, but it also poses a huge challenge to one's physical and mental health. It requires the full commitment and effort of both parents to handle the workload. Every parent needs at least some dedicated "alone" time to pursue their own interests and hobbies in order to stay sane. I also tried to subtly express my concerns by emphasizing the various demands of being a parent.

But what I actually want to say is, "Danger, the last exit is rapidly approaching."

Considering everything that has happened over the years, no matter how hard I try, I just can't imagine Amanda being a good parent. She definitely wouldn't be a good partner for Gary. Being a parent is a huge responsibility that requires a certain degree of selflessness towards both your children and your partner. I think this situation is bad, and it could get even worse for Gary (and any hypothetical future children).

I know you mentioned last time that I might not be supposed to express my concerns to him directly, but I have to admit that, considering the current situation, I really find it hard to keep silent at this moment.

I'll be honest: There is a very cynical part of my mind that doubts whether all these constant interruptions to Gary's efforts to complete his studies were deliberately done by Amanda. One less obvious (or easier to deny) way of undermining a partner's ability or desire to leave an abusive relationship is to constantly throw them off balance, preventing them from fully establishing themselves. Sometimes, this behavior is emotional - they always try to avoid annoying their partner - sometimes, they always encounter new crises or conflicts that need to be dealt with. Sometimes, this behavior hinders them from achieving an important goal in various ways... especially when this goal can serve as a milestone or can provide them with more resources, making it easier for them to leave. For example, interrupting their studies.

Amanda's sudden enthusiasm for having children is also a cause for concern. Many abusive partners use pregnancy and the presence of a child to firmly bind their victims in the relationship; terrifying stories of various abusers sabotaging their partners' contraceptive measures or forcing them to get pregnant keep emerging. It's like a rope that ties them together, and it's especially difficult to untie - especially when the person who is coerced or deceived into becoming a parent still has a conscience and a soul. It's hard to completely break off the relationship when they are just the two of them; when it comes to children (or pets), the situation suddenly becomes even more chaotic and complicated, with more leverage available to deal with them.

Gary began to be willing to fight back, which is good... I think this is also an opportunity for you to utilize your own advantages. He wanted to resist her demands, which indicates that there is a rift in your relationship, and a rift is a good place to plant seeds.

Moreover, it is important that you can act as a caring friend to him, but you don't need to explicitly ask Gary to realize that he is being abused. Gary needs to make the decision to leave on his own. If you can give him more time before Amanda rejects another opportunity, it will increase the likelihood of his leaving.

I suggest you focus on helping him find a job and establish himself. If he feels less dependent on Amanda, her control over him will be somewhat reduced. But this also gives you (and Gary) a great opportunity to maintain a distance from Amanda without seeming forced.

Since Gary has been unemployed and hasn't obtained a degree, in my opinion, the only responsible thing to do is to postpone having children. It's time to act as a caring friend and ensure that he knows what he's doing. This is usually easier and more effective at turning his past thoughts into a defense mechanism than simply telling him not to mix his DNA with hers in any circumstances. If he regards you as an authority on parenting and being a parent, you can focus on all the difficulties and challenges of raising a child, as well as what preparations he should make before getting ready to have children. After all, even in the best-case scenario, raising children and being a parent is a very expensive prospect, especially in the current chaotic and unstable economic situation. Price fluctuations are like the world's craziest roller coaster, tariff changes seem to be random, and vaccination schedules and prenatal care recommendations also frequently change... Trying to have a child on your own is simply a crime and completely irresponsible. Wouldn't it be better to wait until Gary finds a job and has a stable one, and then work hard to accumulate financial security? In fact, the best choice is to wait until they have more savings, so that one (or both) of them can spend more time caring for the child during the child's growth period? Considering the high cost of medical expenses and that babies are like miniature bacterial factories... Even if you have good insurance, you still need some emergency measures, right?

What I mean is that you are just a kind and supportive friend of mine, especially as someone who has children...

As I said before: You can't change his mind, nor can you force him to make the right decision through coercion or inducement. But if you can plant enough seeds and ideas – those that will eventually lead him to where he wants to go – then some of them might be able to transform those cracks into cracks, and turn these cracks into opportunities for complete separation... Before he finally merges his DNA and is forced to keep Amanda in his life for the next 18 years.

But still, the same thing: You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. If Gary isn't ready or isn't willing to take this step, there's nothing you can do. Stay in his life - even if Amanda tries to isolate him - and make sure you're always ready to listen and be there to help him when he needs it, now and in the future.