Last year, our church conducted a multi-part study on pornography and sex. Not long after I told my wife that I started masturbating with pornographic films in an attempt to deal with our decades-long poor sex life, this incident occurred. This poor sex life included low frequency of sexual activity, lack of creativity, and a general lack of attention to non-sexual aspects of marriage.

This was more of a candid admission than a straightforward statement. It was a recognition that while I had talked a lot, I hadn't practiced, and I couldn't distinguish between priorities. But I would rather pursue re-establishing a close relationship with her than masturbate alone in front of an underwear model and pornographic scenes. I felt that this conversation went smoothly and she was willing to try new things to revitalize our relationship, including what I call erotic elements. I was surprised by the progress we have made.

However, after the last sermon (I was on a business trip at that time), my wife began to waver. So I wrote a response and talked to her again. We had another excellent discussion. I would like to share what I wrote, hoping it can resonate with other couples. I know this topic might cause controversy, but this is what I believe.

Dear, I listened to this sermon online. I have a few thoughts. I want to write them down (you can add it to my growing collection, hahaha).

Firstly, in the context of marriage, it is one thing to enjoy pornographic or sexual images moderately together. Secondly, there is "solitary pornography", which refers to masturbating alone while looking at magazines and videos.

In my opinion, as a couple, taking the step to indulge in eroticism is up to the married couple. The "bedroom" mentioned in the Hebrew Bible encompasses this aspect. We have the freedom to make certain attempts, just as we have the freedom to try new sexual positions. This could involve discussing sexual fantasies, going to a sex shop together, or using sex toys, and so on.

This pursuit of reigniting passion and the choices we make are morally equivalent to drinking and gambling. The church often judges such topics, but as a couple, we have the freedom to explore. If it can bring new passion and connection, then go for it. I think it's like chocolate: enjoying a moderate amount of erotic films is both delicious and enjoyable.

This is exactly what I expect you to be able to achieve. I have written articles about this and have discussed it with you several times. I think I have been quite candid and detailed in expressing what I want to do, and also talked about my sexual fantasies. I find that this sermon contains no content that would make either of us worried about pursuing new pleasures and different ways of experiencing happiness together.

As for single-person pornographic films, he is largely correct. But he overlooked one point: Men are usually more easily stimulated visually, and this is normal. Of course, some women are too. This is physiology. But pornographic films are not the preferred way to release emotions. Depending on the situation (such as alcohol and gambling), pornographic films can be very unhealthy, but pornographic films (along with alcohol and gambling) are not the end of the world.

As for other matters related to preaching: I would like to say that you and I can talk about marital sexual behavior and sexual pleasure with confidence and authenticity, and it is very different from the fact that a pastor is willing to talk about the same things on the pulpit.

Regarding topics such as sexual arousal, sexual desire, visual stimulation, and your personal preferences in the bedroom, these are absolutely acceptable in marriage. However, the pastor may never openly admit that these are acceptable. But this does not mean that the truth is not so. You just won't hear discussions and affirmations of these topics during a 45-minute sermon, where the focus is on extremely negative and unhealthy sexual behaviors, because these examples will definitely receive "Amen". The church is still deeply entrenched in framing discussions about marital sexual behavior within a negative framework. "You. Cannot. Do." This is of no help.

Regarding the examples he gave about men and pornography, I have to say: Listening to "The Basement" while masturbating will not lead to homosexuality or destructive behavior. Drinking Margarita wine will not turn you into an alcoholic. Playing Blackjack in Las Vegas will not cause us to lose all our life savings. I hope Christians can openly discuss pornography, alcohol and gambling instead of being hysterical or having even worse situations.

Regarding pornography and brain remodeling: Absolutely true. Anything you repeatedly do will reshape your brain. For instance, practicing the same sport over and over, learning a new language. These are all parts of the research he mentioned. In fact, having sex repeatedly with your spouse after marriage, enjoying the same sexual positions - wouldn't that reshape our brains? The answer is yes. This is great.

Because the brain reshaping caused by sexual arousal is not necessarily a bad thing. A more accurate statement would be that obsession is unhealthy. But not all pornographic works are obsessive. Do we really think that all drinking is obsessive? And do we think that all gambling is obsessive? This is just like those old-fashioned myths in the "Attic" magazine.

The pastor correctly focused on a certain gender during his sermon. However, this was incorrect. If we want to speak generally, that's fine too. So, let's talk generally here. In our modern Christian churches, this statement is very unpopular because the church is often influenced by feminist identities (whether we are willing to admit it or not): "Christian women who are sexually repressed or overly conservative and lack a sense of priority often prompt married Christian men to seek pornography to obtain pleasure and connection."

I know that this universality is not always correct. Although I believe it exists more often than the church is willing to admit. But the sermons we hear only talk about the horror of men masturbating in front of underwear models.

Sexuality is a difficult topic for the church, and there has always been a serious misunderstanding about it throughout church history. Even less than 100 years ago, your pastor might have told you that female orgasm is dangerous. The early church refused to accept the Song of Songs as a pornographic example of marital happiness. They had to "spiritualize" the body. In fact, they even called the Song of Songs a "pornographic work".

So, what's the difference between reading "The Song of Solomon" and reading a "secular" pornographic novel when both can heighten human sexual desire? The priest repeatedly condemns those things that "aim to arouse sexual desire" and make us "sexually excited". He also used these words in his sermons, but hello, that's "The Song of Solomon". It's like Christians condemning "Harry Potter" and its references to "witchcraft", yet recommending "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe".

The truth is that pure sexual arousal often scares Christians. So they try to limit sexual expression in marriage, classifying sexual behavior as "worship behavior" or "sacred behavior". They want to spiritualize physical acts and impose restrictions on them, just like the church does with the Song of Songs. I believe this is because they are uneasy about the sexual freedom in marriage.

The priest did something similar when discussing sexual behavior within marriage. He said that men should ask, "Will God praise me when I stand before Him?" and "Have I cultivated any good things in her heart?" Well, that's fine. But do I really have to ask that long list of questions every time I ejaculate on you? Or do I have to follow your request? Of course, if it's just you and me together, I'd be happy to say "yes" to all of the above questions.

Regarding "porneia" and pornography. I don't think the Greek word "porneia" in the New Testament refers to the visual or textual arousal like modern pornographic works. Porneia refers to prostitution. So we shouldn't pretend that having sex with a prostitute in a basement bar is the same as masturbating and paying for sex with a prostitute. Or pretending that being angry at someone and killing them is the same (because both of these were mentioned by Jesus).

But the most important point regarding "pornography" (porneia) is this: Suppose the priest is correct and it refers to written pornographic works, and written pornographic works are a taboo for married couples. Then, does the fact that "The Song of Solomon" is filled with explicit sexual innuendos, including oral sex, mean that it is also pornographic? Should we start discussing the deeply rooted fears in the human brain because of "The Song of Solomon"? Or is this yet another Harry Potter/CS Lewis-style theme?

In my opinion, whether a couple is simultaneously aroused by erotic works depends on the degree, their individual preferences, and good judgment. Exploration is acceptable as long as good judgment is employed. Fear of new or different things should not be our criterion.

I'd like to conclude here. Do you think your husband is a considerate lover? Does he put your happiness first, pursue you, and long for you? Does he take practical actions and spend time together outside the bedroom? I asked this question because the priest candidly said that I watched (and enjoyed) women masturbating and couples having sex, and felt that I had "lost my humanity". So, perhaps I'm not like a human being. Or perhaps, like the priest and others, I can't provide an objective perspective on this issue.

These are all difficult topics, and the pastor did his best. But we must be willing to reveal the truth and the subtleties, even if they are not included in the sermon.