In my therapeutic practice, the word "should" is strictly prohibited. I often have discussions with people about what they think their sexual life "should" be like, how often they "should" have sex, and what type of sexual activity they "should" engage in.
But when we think about the most common forms of sexual expression that can be easily seen in the media, this is not surprising. There are mainstream media such as television, movies and TV series, as well as pornographic works.
Most of these versions of sexual encounters are much like what someone once told me: "Learning sex is like learning to drive by watching movies." The sex scenes on the screen are often dominated by perfect body proportions, smooth sexual functions, and perfectly coordinated orgasms, and there is not a single drop of sweat, body odor, or any sound other than pleasurable moans or screams.
In contrast, true sexual intimacy is chaotic and disorderly, filled with bodily fluids, uncomfortable positions, pleasure, connection, laughter, spasms, euphoria, occasional accidental head bumps or awkward noises, being disturbed by children/phones/doorbells/pets, and the beauty of being human. Sexual function is not constant; it fluctuates, sometimes being good and sometimes bad, and sometimes mediocre. Just like everything else in life, sexual intimacy is also diverse. Sometimes it's amazing, sometimes it's bad, and sometimes it's just ordinary. This week we can have an extraordinary passionate sex, and the next week we can have a quick and decisive "Just do it and go to bed" kind of sex.
So, why don't we celebrate this and educate ourselves about it? People are under so much pressure regarding sexual life, demanding that it must be conducted in a certain way. In fact, if we can normalize sexual life, we will have more freedom to enjoy it. We always focus on sex in the early stages of a relationship and long for continuous spontaneity, but the reality is that if you break it down and think about it, you will find that the sex in the early stages of a relationship is rarely spontaneous. We are dating, and foreplay almost begins at the moment we determine the date and time. A sense of excitement arises, followed by desire. Expectation is our most natural aphrodisiac.
Although we may have those "movie-like moments" in terms of sex, we should not expect the scenes on the screen to become the norm in our lives. But in order to achieve this, our conversations about sex in real life must be genuine. Sex is both about the body and emotions; it not only concerns what we do, but also why we do it. As modern people, one of the most common difficulties we face is the inability to enjoy sexual intimacy and to fully immerse ourselves in the present moment.
But this is because each time we expect it to be ideal/perfect/astonishing. Because we have never seen background, learning, education, repeated experimentation and exploration on the screen or in the media. What truly attracts people's attention is Netflix's "Sexual Self-Study Room", which focuses entirely on these aspects, and this is closely related to the title of the show. So when we see these versions of sex on the media, they seem to exist naturally, without the need for effort, without discussion, without debunking myths, without experiencing various forms of sex, and without acknowledging all the potentially challenging but beautiful things in sex.
So, the next time you experience the sexual scenarios depicted in the media and feel that your own sexual life is not like it, or should be more like it, please take some time to reflect on the essential elements that a sexual encounter should possess:
Pleasurable
With enthusiastic consent
Healthy for you, whatever that looks like
