Do you like rough sex? You might enjoy pulling hair, slapping the buttocks, slapping the face, choking, biting, wrestling, rapid penetration, or other intense sexual acts. Rough sex means "degrading" or "punishment", which is a misunderstanding; although it can be exciting, rough sex can also bring sensory stimulation, playfulness or primal pleasure. The passion of enjoying rough sex is certainly great, but at the same time, you should also pay attention to your and your partner's safety when pleasing each other.
What are your fantasies about being rough and domineering?
The intensity of rough sex varies from person to person, and the sensations are also different. Discuss the feelings and actions that both of you desire.
For instance, do you want to experience the fantasy of being humiliated? Do you want to experience the intense and rough sexual encounter? Do you want to experience the feelings of helplessness, mischief, licentiousness or obsession? Do you want to experience being powerful, despicable, sadistic or loving? Think about the taste of your fantasy and communicate clearly with your partner. Pressing someone onto the bed might mean "I must have you" or "You need to be punished". Let the other person describe their fantasy of the rough sexual encounter (texting is also very interesting!). Don't be afraid to describe vivid details - this can be part of foreplay and is very interesting! The important thing is that both of you should reach a consensus on the meaning of rough sex, the experience you want, and your limits.
For instance, rough sexual acts may be related to pain - just like using a Watterson windmill or paddle. Or, it can also be about intense sensations and emotions, without pain or leaving any marks, such as "forcing" an orgasm with a magic wand, or covering someone's eyes and inserting fingers quickly, deeply and forcefully.
What do I need in order to feel safe both emotionally and physically?
Being safe during rough sex requires communication before, during, and after.
After you’re on the same page, it’s important to set boundaries—hard limits, with safe words.
Here are some things to consider:
Establishing boundaries—what do you or your partner need to feel physically and emotionally safe? Physical safety can include things like parts of the body or sexual activities that are off-limits and emotional boundaries can include things like name-calling, or occasional check-ins.
Have they had any experience with rough sex before? Some people have had great consensual rough sex experiences, others may have not enjoyed their previous experiences, but want to try again. If someone doesn’t have experience with rough sex, it’s best to take things slow and don’t be afraid to do a little bit of research.
What sexy things are on the table and which ones are off the table? It might be exciting to go all-in, but things could get a little overwhelming, so start out slow, with a handful of things to experiment with.
What do you need after rough sex? The emotional and physical toll can be intense, so aftercare is a huge part of rough sex. Figure out what you and/or your partner needs: massages to sensitive areas, spooning, gentle kisses, etc.
How will a partner know you’re enjoying it? Sometimes rough sex might play with fantasies of ‘force’ or with words, emotions, and expressions that normally would be associated with discomfort. Develop communication tools, like a safe word. Words like ‘no’ or ‘stop’ or ‘it hurts’ might be part of your rough sex roleplay, so you want to assign a word that has nothing to do with your fantasy. For activities where you can increase or decrease in intensity like spanking, rough penetration or biting, you can use a traffic light system or a number system to help manage the intensity. It’s important for the person giving the rough activity to invite communication from their receiver, and ensure they still have agency; for example, “Do you want more? Want me to go harder or softer? Are you ready for faster or slower?”
Communicate with one another a little while after the session and communicate what you really liked, and what maybe wasn’t working for you.
A great way to practice communication before diving into rough sex is to play with a sex toy like a feather, nipple clamps, or vibrator. If your partner is comfortable being tied up or having their hands tied, you can use a sex toy on their body and invite them to give you feedback about where, and how they wanted to be touched.
How do I know to what extent rough sexual behavior is beneficial for me and my partner?
Clearly communicate and understand the meaning of "roughness" to you and your partner, and accept these different definitions. Jumping from level 1 to level 10 all at once will not only cause significant emotional fluctuations but also potentially lead to serious harm. Therefore, be patient and proceed slowly. Additionally, half of the fun may lie in the preparation and anticipation.
For instance, if your partner has a habit of biting, you can start by gently biting the sensitive areas, then gradually increase the intensity while providing them with the familiar pleasurable sensations you already know they enjoy (such as kissing, using foul language, oral sex). If you are the recipient of rough sex, you can enjoy the gradually increasing pleasure and, when you feel comfortable, tell them that you want stronger stimulation. If you are the first time partner or experiencing rough sex for the first time, let the recipient control the intensity.
If you are interested in vigorous activities that may cause serious harm (such as asphyxiation), be sure to understand the associated risks in advance. Study anatomy and techniques. Again, emphasize that the movements should be done slowly. Mainstream pornographic films usually seem effortless, with synchronized actions from both parties and no need for communication. But mainstream pornographic films are artificial: they seem effortless, but behind this is a lot of effort - meticulous editing, carefully written scripts, and countless shoots. In real life, with real bodies, more communication means more sensual and safer sex.
What if I enjoy rough sexual activities but my partner doesn't want to engage in them?
Sometimes, a partner might be interested in rough sex, but also be worried about hurting the other person or getting hurt themselves. They might also hear the term "rough sex" and associate it with an extreme sexual fantasy that makes them feel scared rather than excited. They might want to participate in your sexual fantasy, but lack confidence in their own ability. All these concerns are completely reasonable.
If you want more intense sexual experiences, try communicating with your partner during non-sexual times, expressing your excitement and your unease about the rougher kind of sex. Invite them to share their concerns and desires sincerely and openly. Try setting a date and focus on gradually increasing the intensity of an activity, while maintaining communication and attention. Showing enthusiasm and expressing your pleasure is a great way to make your partner believe that you enjoy what you are doing. You can certainly not participate in others' fantasies, or use rough sex as your own masturbation fantasies, but don't plan to bring it into real life. Sometimes, fantasies are just fantasies!