I came to figure out how to orgasm with a partner relatively late in life, even though I’ve always been very sexually open-minded and adventurous. For years, I’d talk to friends who could orgasm with their partners and feel like there was something wrong with me for not being able to do the same when someone else was involved.

The good (and bad) news is that I wasn’t alone in this struggle. Statistics on the orgasm gap show that for heterosexual women, partnered sex isn’t particularly orgasmic.

While 95% of heterosexual men climax during sex, only 65% of heterosexual women do. To me, that’s a pretty disheartening number. What’s interesting, though, is that while women often struggle to climax during partnered sex, they have no trouble reaching orgasm on their own.

The first time I managed to orgasm during partnered sex, it felt like unlocking a new skill. And I firmly believe that the ability to orgasm with a partner is a skill—one that can absolutely be learned.

Your Ultimate Guide to Orgasm with a Partner for the First Time

Why You Might Not Be Reaching Those Big Os

Everyone’s struggle with orgasm during partnered sex is unique, but there are several common reasons why it might be challenging. Before diving into every sex position, toy, or trick under the sun, it’s helpful to first understand the root of the issue.

• Societal Pressure
  Even today, there’s still significant stigma around women’s sexuality in many parts of the world—ideas about how we “should” or “shouldn’t” have sex. With pressure to act like a “proper lady” and the threat of slut-shaming for exploring our sexuality, it’s natural to suppress this part of ourselves, denying our right to pleasure.

• Body Image Issues
  Countless studies highlight how low body confidence harms mental health—and our sex lives are no exception. A 2021 study found that women with poor body image often believe their partners are less attracted to them, even when that’s not true. These negative views shape our behavior, making it harder to engage in intimacy.

  I used to fixate on how my body looked during sex. When your mind is preoccupied with appearances, you can’t focus on the sensations you should be enjoying. And let’s not forget: most of us learn about sex from porn, where everything is “perfect” and women perform for the camera. Worrying about matching that performance—how we look, the sounds we make—drains energy from the pleasure that actually matters.

• Lack of Self-Knowledge
  Even with a loving partner who cares about your pleasure, orgasm can be elusive if you don’t know your own body. Not exploring what touches, kisses, or fantasies turn you on, or what kind of foreplay you need, can majorly interfere with satisfying partnered sex.

How to Orgasm During Partnered Sex

Now that we’ve covered the hurdles, let’s get to the solutions—how to orgasm with your partner.

• Stop Faking Orgasms
  Small studies suggest up to 80% of women fake orgasms, often to spare their partner’s feelings or end the act. But faking doesn’t bring you closer to a real orgasm. For one, your partner will think their actions work, so they’ll repeat them—creating a cycle of unfulfilling stimulation. For another, faking distracts you from enjoying sex; you’ll be too busy planning when to “perform” instead of focusing on pleasure.

• Know You Deserve Pleasure as Much as Your Partner
  You have every right to orgasm, even if it takes time or feels challenging. Partnered sex is about mutual enjoyment—your partner shouldn’t make you feel like you’re “taking too long.” It’s a two-way street: just as you’re generous with them, let them be generous with you.

• Show Them What You Like
  It’s easier said than done, but guiding your partner is key. Sometimes words fail when talking about sex, so showing can be better. Let them watch you masturbate—this turns many partners on and teaches them exactly how you like to be touched. Or take their hand, lead it to where you want, and demonstrate the pressure or rhythm you prefer.

  If in-person guidance feels tough, try alternatives: send them erotica, movie clips, or ethical porn that reflects what you enjoy. You could even record a short video of yourself (if comfortable) to share—it’s sexy, can double as foreplay, and gives them a clear roadmap.

• Try Roleplay
  Pretending to be someone else can help you let go of pressure. Dressing up and stepping into a role lets you try new things and feel bolder about asserting your pleasure. It’s a fun way to unwind and focus on sensation.

• Use Your Favorite Toy
  You know your go-to sex toy (or toys) and how to use them for pleasure—bring them into partnered play. Explore using it on your partner too, or together, to boost both your enjoyment.

• Practice Meditation
  Mindfulness has huge health benefits—and it can also help you stay present in your body during sex. I struggled to focus on sensations with a partner, which created a disconnect. Meditation changed that: whether alone or with someone, I now tune into pleasant physical feelings instead of overthinking. Even 10 minutes a day of practice can enhance your ability to stay grounded in pleasure.