When I was a journalist at a women's magazine, I once received a book on female sexuality, filled with all kinds of tips on how to "stir up passion". The contents were all very common - lace lingerie, candles, massage oil, and those incredibly perfect couple photos, looking sweet and loving (of course, the couples in the photos were wearing lingerie, surrounded by candles and massage oil).
But I will never forget one part of it. Long before discussions about mental load dominated the news headlines, this book talked about how having a clean and tidy house on the day you want to have sex can help things go smoothly. Yes, really. The author talked about how she found it impossible to relax in a messy space, and her partner now understands - if you want to have sex, you have to clear the dishes.
Alas, I can't recall the title of the book or the author, but the lesson it imparted is deeply etched in my mind: We are complex beings, and the allure and excitement of sex do not always stem from the obvious things like lingerie and candles. Your mind must also be engaged.
Up to 38% of women suffer from some form of low sexual desire, a phenomenon largely influenced by behavioral and environmental factors. "In most cases, there are many things we can do," said Dr. Lyndsey Harper, founder and CEO of Rosy. "For instance, we can work on improving communication, telling some sexy short stories, or really talking about pleasure." (This is precisely where Rosy comes in.)
If you long for more sex in your life but often lack the energy or can't make it happen, it can be frustrating. We've explored four common pitfalls and how to avoid them.
tired
"Most of the women I've worked with love their partners and remember having a good sex life," Dr. Harper said. "But it's just a matter of their current life situation. They have a million things to do all day and are exhausted. By the end of the day, they're just looking at the clock, wondering how much longer they can sleep before starting all over again the next morning. So the last thing I want to do is sleep for another twenty minutes." While there's no quick fix for fatigue, taking a look at your daily routine to see when you might have more energy and be able to squeeze in some intimate time might help. Maybe Sunday afternoons are quiet at your house, or your aunt or grandparents can take the kids out on Saturday morning? You don't have to stick to a pre-set time (or place!) for sex - try to make it work with your life and energy levels.
preesure
Our lives are busier than ever before, and it's almost impossible to truly unwind at the end of the day. But when you reach orgasm, your body releases oxytocin, a hormone that reduces stress (a 2006 study found that 39% of women masturbate to relax, which perhaps isn't surprising - it's very effective, and some women even do it at work). This can improve your mood, sleep and ability to cope with stress the next day, increasing the chances of having sex again and creating a wonderful virtuous cycle.
Lack of equal experience of orgasm
What is a key element in this plan to relieve stress through sexual climax? Your sexual climax. If having sex rarely leads you to reach a sexual climax, it's time to make a change. "We really should give more consideration to sexual climax equality - every time your partner has an orgasm, you should also have one," Dr. Harper said. "Bring your sense of pleasure back to the forefront. If you haven't had sexual activity for a while, why not try having it all to yourself for a month, or for two weeks?"
Understanding what brings you pleasure - and communicating this clearly with your partner - is the first step in ensuring that sex becomes something you find enjoyable, and it is also the key to getting more sex.
Busy worship
There is always something to do, and always something to cross off the list; but the key question is, is this really the most important thing for today? "When I ask women to name their top three most important things, their relationship with their partners always ranks in the top three, 100 percent," Dr. Harper said. "And usually, things like keeping the room clean or doing the dishes are not on the list, right?"
"For instance, we had three children. Previously, our routine was to put them to sleep, then go downstairs for dinner, and tidy up everything. By the time we went upstairs, it was already 10:30 or 11 p.m.," Dr. Harper recalled. "Now, as soon as they fall asleep, we go back to our room. I have plenty of time to take a bath, relax and enjoy life. Even if the dishes weren't washed properly that day, it's no big deal."
If (like me) a messy house makes you feel stressed, you could consider teaming up to clean it - perhaps one evening, when you go upstairs to take a bath, your partner finishes cleaning the room and then joins you.
Sex is an essential part of any romantic relationship and is the core element for couples to maintain intimacy and communication. Therefore, although there will always be some obstacles, sometimes taking a pause to seriously consider what exactly is hindering things and how you and your partner can find solutions can be helpful. "You must act according to your own priorities," Dr. Harper said. "Sometimes, you need to clarify these priorities and then refocus on your situation and how you can manage your time."