There's something that has been bothering me for a long time. I'm 38 years old, have good character, do a decent job, have a good figure, high emotional intelligence, and know how to treat others well. I'm not here to seek some kind of recognition, but I've been in the dating scene for a long time and know when things are going wrong.

The problem is: It seems that I only attract women who are not the type I like, and of course, they are not the ones I would choose to date. Those women who seem to be most interested in me, I have no interest in them at all. They are colleagues, ordinary friends or friends of friends. I spend time with them and chat, but I have no interest in them. However, they obviously like me very much. They will send me messages first, make plans, and deliberately spend time with me. I don't understand. There is no spark, no connection, and I haven't done anything to encourage them. I won't pretend to be someone else just to make others feel good. I will talk to them normally. I am polite and friendly. When they tell me about their day, I will make all the appropriate sounds, but I don't give them any signals. Truly

The woman I like? This is a nightmare. I have to make tremendous efforts to keep the conversation going, and I always feel like I have to push them to make a plan. In order to squeeze out time, to adapt to their suddenly full schedules and work or family trips, I have to propose the date plan several weeks or even months in advance. If we really have a plan, then whether we actually go out or something "suddenly pops up" at the last minute is completely decided by flipping a coin. These women were all matched to me on dating apps, or I met them in speed dating events, or we specifically talked about dating. So this is not something I casually struck up a conversation with a woman. I tried, but they treated me as just one of many options. I feel like I've been chasing after them, trying to leave a deep impression on them, trying to facilitate something, which is very exhausting. I feel like I'm playing cat and mouse, but the purpose is wrong. At the same time, those women I wasn't interested in at all almost actively courted me. It's really infuriating.

I have experienced many relationships. Two of them lasted for over a year, and there were several other short-term relationships that didn't work out. I'm not afraid of making commitments, and I'm not one of those mindless, oblivious internet idiots. I have put in a lot of effort to make myself look my best. I just don't understand why the woman I want seems so hard to approach, while the woman I don't want is almost standing outside my door.

This situation has persisted for several years. To be honest, I'm almost dizzy from all this. These women I don't like always think they have a chance to get me, while those women I know are suitable for me are treating me as an optional choice. What does this indicate?

Right now, I feel that everything I do is correct, but I still haven't achieved anything. I'm extremely grateful for any suggestions because, to be honest, I'm already fed up with all this.

Sincerely,

frustration, madness and boredom

You're really lucky, F3. Many times, I think the problem might lie in when you call someone a "genderless internet idiot", and then you think to yourself, "So what does this mean about me? How can these ugly creatures think they have a chance?" And then you stop there.

However, recently I have encountered several clients who have been struggling with how to approach women who seem to have never had the time to pay attention to them, or who appear to have no interest in them. So this issue has been the one that concerns me the most recently. Moreover, it seems that quite a few people are currently struggling with this problem, so this appears to be a good opportunity to delve deeper into this topic.

Let's not talk about your attitude. In fact, it's quite simple: You pursue these women who should never have been yours because they simply couldn't get them. To put it bluntly, you pursue them because they are avoiding you. If they were "within reach", you wouldn't be so desperate to win them over. In the end, you probably don't find them attractive at all.

Generally speaking, people tend to pursue what they cannot obtain. The more difficult to obtain something is, the more crazily people will pursue it. This is quite common in the consumer goods sector - the popular glass cups, cameras, accessories, cosmetics or fashion items on TikTok, as well as limited edition toys, shoes or trinkets, are all snapped up within seconds and then sold at crazy prices on eBay or resale websites. If these things are common and easily obtainable, their appeal is far less than those that are out of reach. These

The value of things is often overestimated and even exaggerated, not because of their intrinsic qualities, but because of the number of people who desire them. These products may be quite good themselves - for instance, those out-of-stock Fujifilm cameras are extremely popular - but it is precisely because everyone wants them but no one can get them that they seem so special. They are all symbols of status - "Look at my ability, I can get this exclusive item" - and they are also signs of status, even if one is not a "member of the circle", at least one is trying to understand the situation and keep up with the trend.

The same is true for women. Many men are obsessed with pursuing specific women not because they particularly like them, but because they believe that having these women can enhance their status. The more difficult it is to "obtain" them, the more they need to be unique; all of these "challenges" mean that this relationship is more about "seeing what this says about me!" rather than "This person is special because she is who she is."

Obviously, this is the definition of objectification; here, the woman is no longer a beautiful and unique individual, but rather a symbol of the higher value and status that men consider important... It's no different from a pair of adorable limited-edition Nike shoes or a unique Hublot watch.

The other part of this equation involves attachment types and emotional issues. Many people get trapped in a cycle of pursuing partners with whom they cannot have emotional communication, because they believe it is "right" for them. This is usually related to insecure or avoidant attachment types - they had to argue with their parents and family since childhood, begging for their attention, while their parents and family often did not have the time to accompany them. This makes them feel that love is something they need to chase or strive for, rather than something that is given.

The other aspect is what is called intermittent reinforcement - the rewards (here referring to attention, love and affection) are not given sporadically, but are given frequently and seemingly randomly. The rewards you receive are just enough to keep you engaged, but they never last, and the level of the rewards is not proportional to the effort you put in to obtain them. This is similar to the way slot machines, collectible game boxes, or treasure chests in casinos attract players; you hope that the next time you pull the lever or exchange game coins (using real money) you will get the desired reward.

Intermittent reinforcement has long been a part of the dating scene. The authors of "The Rules" notoriously proposed that even for those in a relationship, "appearing to hold back" is the "only" way to gain and retain a man. Toxic and abusive people use this method to manipulate and control their partners. But sometimes, it is self-harm; just like Pepa Le Puy, they don't realize that their adorable little ones are not "appearing to hold back", but simply don't like the other person.

Guess what you are doing. The problem is not that these women are playing games or making you dance for their amusement, because they enjoy teasing their "little horses" just like a cat catching a mouse; they have no interest in you and you don't understand what they mean. On the contrary, you romanticize their sense of detachment and coldness, thinking that this will attract them more, even a little attention is enough to motivate you to follow them like a puppy.

You need to carefully examine the people you are pursuing and their behaviors, and ask yourself: Why don't you accept the answer "not interested"? Why is the person you are most interested in always showing the least interest in you? Why are you unwilling to accept that this behavior is actually a signal that they don't like you and don't want to date you?

(Here is a hint: This is known as the "sunk cost fallacy"; you are unwilling to admit that your investment will never yield a return, so you keep investing your time and energy because you are afraid of giving up before winning the big prize.)

By the way, this is also one of the reasons why those women you don't care about are so persistent in pursuing you. Leaving aside those women who only want to be your friends rather than drag you into marriage, what you have done to them is actually the same as what those women have done to you.

It's time to ask yourself why you haven't clearly refused these women. In the same way, apply the same thinking to those women who seem to never have time to be with you. Don't want to come across as rude? Think that you have to maintain a certain standard for the sake of work harmony? Worried that after refusing them, they will say you don't want to go on a date with you, making you look foolish? Cool... All these possibilities also apply to those women who take six days to reply to your text messages and ignore you when you persistently ask them to go on a date but they are unwilling to continue.

Taking the risk of sounding like an old-fashioned psychological joke, now is the perfect time to go see a psychologist and talk about your relationship with your mother. If you always pursue people who don't interest you, but get bored or uncomfortable with those who are interested in you and willing to invest, then the probability that this stems from childhood emotional trauma... well, is much higher than the probability of this slot machine eventually winning.

Try to heal those wounds (and your attitude), and you will see things change.

Good luck to you.