This piece is penned by a husband and wife with over a decade of experience in swinging. They observed a growing interest in this lifestyle post-pandemic, yet noticed a scarcity of insider resources for those looking to start or learn more. What follows are their personal experiences as swingers.
This is the first in a series of articles exploring the rising popularity of non-monogamous relationships, specifically focusing on swinging—also commonly referred to as "the lifestyle." It’s written from a UK standpoint; practices might differ slightly in the U.S. and other global regions.
What Are Swingers?
Traditionally, swingers are couples who partake in recreational sexual activities—known within the lifestyle as "playing"—with other couples.
The term "wife swapping" is somewhat archaic and rarely used today. It carries connotations of a male-dominated practice that treats female partners as tradable commodities. After all, why not "husband swapping"? Additionally, more and more long-term relationships now involve unmarried individuals.
But swinging extends far beyond mere partner trading, which is just one facet of "ethical non-monogamy." The key word here is "ethical."
What Proportion of the Population Engages in Consensual Non-Monogamy?
A UK survey found that 8% of people have been in such relationships, with an additional 14% open to the idea if the right circumstances arose. In the U.S., 20% report having engaged in it at some point.
How Does Swinging Differ from Cheating?
The answer lies in one word: "Deceit." We’re all familiar with the typical extramarital affair—people go to great lengths to hide it, and it inevitably leads to conflict.
In swinging, the crucial distinction is mutual consent and transparency. Both partners in the primary relationship must be comfortable with the concept and the specific activities they agree to.
Even before diving into swinging, couples need to have in-depth discussions about their ideas, what they hope to gain from the arrangement, and their expectations of each other. The agreement must be mutual and wholehearted.
Who Are Swingers?
When my then-partner and I were considering entering the lifestyle, I pictured most swingers as young—men like Adonis and women on par with Marilyn Monroe. But nothing could be further from reality.
Swingers span all age groups, genders, occupations, and ethnicities. They come in all shapes and sizes—short, tall, thin, and not-so-thin. The only common thread among them is their commitment to consensual non-monogamy.
What Do Swingers Do?
Swinging encompasses a wide range of practices, and the following list is by no means exhaustive.
Watching
Newcomers to the lifestyle might not be ready to engage with others right away. They may attend a club where they can watch others play or play themselves while being watched.
Conventional Swapping
Two couples exchange partners for sexual encounters. Once paired off, they might go to separate rooms to play or engage in the same room. For this to work, all four participants must be satisfied with the arrangement. If even one person isn’t attracted to their counterpart, it falls through.
Bisexual Swapping
When two or more individuals in two couples are bisexual, the interaction can become more of a foursome rather than just partner swapping, with a wider range of possible activities.
Threesomes
Threesomes are easier to arrange than foursomes and more commonly practiced. The most frequent setup is MMF (male/male/female), where the female in the couple selects a male, and they invite him to join in.
Occasionally, the female might ask her partner to make the selection, adding a bit of extra excitement. If both males are bisexual, it can introduce another layer to the interaction. FFM (female/female/male) is less common and tends to be more physically demanding for the male. Bisexual women interested in playing with couples are quite rare, earning them the nickname "unicorns" due to their scarcity.