You might be surprised to learn it’s not all about “Boobs. Boobs. BOOBS.” A man’s mind is often buzzing with a range of thoughts during sex—and yes, there’s a strong chance he’s fantasizing about someone or something else. And that’s perfectly okay, because odds are, you’re doing the same!
What is he thinking during sex?
During intimacy, a man’s mind can race with countless thoughts. Even if, to an outside observer, he seems completely focused, rest assured he’s probably thinking at least one (if not all) of the following—and you might be surprised to find they’re not all directly tied to the act itself.
“Am I doing it right?”
This common thought crosses everyone’s mind at some point, and it’s a sign that he wants to please his partner. It’s worth remembering, though, that if you’re in an intimate situation together, he’s already doing something right—so he should cut himself some slack.
When this thought pops up, it’s a good hint that partners need to communicate openly about their sexual needs. Even simple cues like “Right there” or “Slower” can help him stop overthinking and fully immerse himself in the moment.
“Is he/she/they going to come?”
A man might wonder if his efforts will be enough to get his partner to climax, which is really just an extension of the “Am I doing it right?” worry. This, too, shows he wants to please, but it’s important to note that, to a degree, each person is responsible for their own orgasm.
Here’s why: Partners can help set the stage for climax—through foreplay, stimulating each other in enjoyable ways, and so on. But no one can demand an orgasm from their partner. Taking ownership of your own pleasure isn’t selfish; it ensures both people leave satisfied.
“Don’t come. Don’t come. Don’tcomedontcomedontcomedontcomedontcome.”
Some men, whether dealing with premature ejaculation or just really savoring the moment, worry about climaxing too soon and cutting the intimacy short. But it’s worth repeating: Sex doesn’t end with one person’s orgasm. Even after one partner comes, they can keep helping the other reach theirs. If he’s with a female partner, it’s not uncommon for her to finish herself off with a vibrator or sex toy—and that’s totally fine.
Any guy stressed about coming too soon can just speak up: “I’m about to finish—should I slow down or focus on you for a bit?” Like most things in sex, good communication is key.
“I’m fantasizing about someone else–is that okay?”
Yes, he’s likely part of the large majority of men who admit to fantasizing about another person or scenario during sex. And he’s far from alone—women also fantasize during intimacy, just slightly less often than men. A 1990 study of 178 men and women found that 84% reported fantasizing during sex.
This isn’t a problem at all, as long as partners are honest with themselves and don’t feel guilty about these natural thoughts. The same 1990 study found that people who felt guilty about their fantasies reported lower sexual satisfaction. On the flip side, partners who talk openly (and candidly) about their fantasies often enjoy better sex—it lets each person step into the other’s sexual world.