Dear Doctor,

I have a specific question. I am bisexual and pansexual. I dated and eventually married the only person with whom I had a relationship. I thought of myself as a "monogamous woman", and before finding the right words to describe my feelings, I always referred to myself in this way.

I have never really thought about being in a relationship with someone else, nor do I understand the concept of consecutive monogamy or polygamy, although most of my friends lead a comfortable and happy "polyamorous" lifestyle. Some people invited us to join, but that wasn't my nature, so we politely declined.

Entering X. I got seriously injured, but it turned out that they were a bunch of obnoxious narcissists. It took a full three feeding cycles to finally get rid of them, and finally got rid of all that trash.

I know your suggestion is to find someone to accompany me. Fortunately, my husband has always been by my side. But as a "half-human, half-dog", if I don't have them, or if they think it's not worth it and leave me, I'm done for. I don't think so.

It was truly too difficult. They tore us apart emotionally and then abandoned us. That kind of heart-wrenching pain. It's still like that now.

But there is one thing that really bothers me: I used to have a very rich and fulfilling sexual fantasy life. Dreaming of various scenarios when I was asleep? Sure. Cuddled up beside my husband, planning our next steps? no problem. Close your eyes, hold my favorite dildo in a relaxed manner, while the husband waits to jump on board when the climax comes? Oh, yes! So, how about now? All the intrusive thoughts about X, I must drive them out of my mind! That thing has no right to stay in my head for free! Now every time my hormones are highly active, even just to relax and want to sleep, I will immediately think of them!

Not to mention that this was obviously unfair to my husband, who had gone through this roller-coaster-like turmoil of emotions with me.

How can I get rid of it? I can't watch pornographic films, and my inner "semi-god" will immediately reject it. I can no longer get lost in my previous fantasies, and it seems that I can't create new fantasies without being sexually assaulted. What exactly have I missed?

Sincerely speaking,

I need a new script.

This sounds really uncomfortable, INNS. Thinking of someone you detest - someone who has hurt you to some extent - makes you break out in a sweat. That feeling intrudes on you in an indescribable way. It's as if they left a parasite behind, and even though they are long gone, you can't completely get rid of them.

Good news - or at least, it's reassuring - is that this situation is actually quite common. Many people will suddenly remember those extremely bad, toxic, even abusive exes, crushes, and even some local jerks... sometimes even during the climax. Although this feature might be useful for those whose sexual desires have been destroyed, for you (and others), it's like a wet, big blanket that completely ruins the beautiful moment that was supposed to be sweaty and exciting.

The reason why this is a good thing (with the appropriate mixed definition of "good") is that its commonality implies that, as a known problem, there is always a way to solve it. And the first step, like many invasive ideas, is to focus on the "why" of all this.

I would like you to include one more thing: how long ago was your last interaction with X, and to what extent has your relationship with them progressed? If this is a relatively recent encounter and it was a complex or intimate relationship... then you will have a lot of guilt and self-blame. Even if you know rationally that the problem lies in the fact that they are a malignant narcissist who is exploiting your weaknesses, yet in any case, it is very easy for you to blame yourself. One of the anomalies of human experience is that we can see warning signs in other people's relationships, but we do not have enough distance and perspective to track them in our own relationships. This is part of how toxic and predatory people can have close contact; they take advantage of that huge blind spot. Moreover, since we usually know rationally how others will react, it is very difficult for us not to look at this situation and say: "… But I should have been clearer about this."

So, part of the reason why they persist is that deep down in your mind, you might still be thinking: "But I should have realized it earlier / been smarter / kicked them to the curb earlier", and constantly recalling the scene when you saw them wearing raincoats and giving warning signs. These psychological or subconscious repetitions will cause them to keep popping up in your mind. Especially when under stress or when your emotions are highly sensitive... including, well, when you are emotionally excited.

Another issue - this problem might be closely related to any lingering sense of guilt or self-blame - is that you were truly attracted to them, but later reflected on it and felt disgusted. This is yet another anomaly in human experience. We tend to believe that their overall attractiveness is entirely a deception or a lie, and now that we know the truth about this person, the influence of their pelvic magic will vanish in a gust of self-fulfilling wind. We prefer that all the feelings they evoked were also lies, not real, and not based on such a solid lie that the truth would erase it. However... well, that's not the case.

You may remember how terrifying and despicable they were, but your body and brain still remember how you felt when everything was fine and you hadn't fully understood who they were and what they were. Memories have a flattening effect, highlighting different parts of the past... even those parts we regret or wish never happened. That's why it's so hard to move on from a broken relationship, why it's so hard to get rid of a toxic or abusive partner, and why when you know someone is terrifying but still feel something in them that makes you feel attracted, you feel extremely angry.

But your limbic system has no moral filter. As I often say, your trash is not like Doom Hammer; it only reacts to "the noble ones". It just does what it should do, completely disregarding your higher consciousness. But your higher consciousness, with that "annoying self-awareness" system, gets extremely frustrated about this because "man, you know what this person did, what the hell is this thing? You?" ！ ？”

So I think the first thing to do is to forgive yourself - not only for falling into his trap, but also for the lingering feeling. Being deceived by a malicious narcissist doesn't mean you are a bad person or a fool; this is precisely what they are good at. No one can avoid being tempted by a malicious person; it's just what we tell ourselves. Everyone can be deceived; the problem is how, why, by whom, and for how long. So, forgive yourself for having had dealings with them in the past, forgive your feelings, forgive the time it took for you to get rid of them, and admit that you are still dealing with the consequences.

The following part becomes more challenging because it's hard to predict when these thoughts will arise. One way to deal with unpleasant and intrusive thoughts is to confront them, eliminate them, notice and name them, and then shift your attention elsewhere. It's even more difficult when you're enjoying sex, especially when it's with someone else. Mindfulness is great, but it's hard to do when you're actually having sex... especially when you're trying not to disturb the moment. If you're alone, it's still frustrating but the trouble is much less. This might mean that any alone time becomes an impromptu mindfulness practice, but consciously trying to shift your fantasies from X to your husband or someone more accepting will make X easier to fade away over time.

Personally, one thing that is very helpful, especially when your mind is racing and you can't fall asleep, is to consciously focus on the things you want to think about - effectively creating a story, which enables me to concentrate when relaxing and falling asleep. This allows my brain to find something to grasp, without putting pressure on itself during the process, nor does it require effort to relax, thus affecting the effectiveness of relaxation. When your mind is full of thoughts, it's easier to say, "OK, no problem, now go back and watch the show", rather than trying to separate or push them away.

Consciously decide on the fantasy you want to think about, and focus on it while you are falling asleep (or when you start to slowly masturbate or do something similar), which will allow your brain to acquire some specific things and fragments to chew on, and make it easier for your thoughts to return to where you left off when needed. Or, in this regard, you can edit it in a way that includes "erase X from the scene", thereby weakening their mental presence. Imagine how frustrated they would be when they see you enjoying yourself without paying attention to them, while they are helplessly banging on the soundproof walls of the cell you have locked them in.

Now, please pay close attention. What I'm talking about is "diverting attention", not "pushing away". Trying to suppress or force these thoughts rarely works; most of the time, it only reinforces them. Avoidance often exacerbates anxiety rather than alleviates it, and the same is true for these thoughts or feelings. That's why diverting your thoughts - for example, "Oh, well, I've been having these thoughts about X in my mind. Let's push them aside and turn the focus to my husband" - works better; rather than forcing yourself to suppress these thoughts, it's more like telling yourself that you'd rather look at something else.

The third thing is to study cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is highly effective in treating intrusive thoughts, whether they are caused by obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders, or other mental health issues. Many people have found that after several treatments, their intrusive thoughts have been relieved for a long time. Even some self-directed exercises, such as those on websites like MoodGym, can also help control these thoughts and feelings and regain control over them.

This experience is frustrating and even overwhelming. It interferes with the intimate relationships and connections you long to maintain and preserve, making you feel that they still have an impact on you. But in the end, this is just you and your brain trying to process what happened to you. They are just thoughts, random loops generated by your brain. They have no meaning on their own, unless you decide what they mean. If you decide they are just noise... then they are just noise. Noise can be drowned out until it disappears.

It's really awful that you're going through this, but I promise it will only be temporary. Just try to control your emotions a little, and that damned X will disappear where it's supposed to go - into the obscure void.

Good luck to you.