Hello, doctor.

I'm a heterosexual cisgender woman in my twenties. I don't date much, and sometimes I long for physical intimacy, so a few times a year, I usually end up having sex with friends I notice seem willing (it's different friends, not the same person). We usually drink together, hang out, and end up spending the night together. However, I quit this habit last year because I lost some friends over it - basically, they all "disappeared" after sleeping with me, even though we had been friends for years.

Tell me: Why are men so averse to one-night stands? As far as I know, it's not because they have developed feelings for me... but because they think I might be about to develop feelings for them, so they keep their distance to avoid feeling awkward when they reject me. The problem is, I don't want anything more from them! I just occasionally want some fun sex, and for various reasons, including but not limited to a sense of security, I'd rather do it with friends than with strangers. I don't think this is a strange or bizarre idea, but I could be wrong.

It seems that men I've slept with have been pre-programmed to think that women always "want more", and their job is to stop me. This idea itself is very hurtful, not to mention that I know these men only want to sleep with me but not go on a date (no matter what I think). Also, to add on: I might feel offended because of my deep-seated insecurity about my weight - I take good care of myself and know I'm pretty, but I'm tall and have a curvy figure. (Think of Ashley Graham, but nowhere near as sexy.) There's a notion now that it's okay to sleep with a fat girl, but not to be seen in public with her. Sometimes I can't help but be influenced by this idea.

If these friends really had feelings for me, I guess they would have taken action. But none of them asked me out after we had sex, so I used the process of elimination to reach this conclusion. If they didn't find it strange to remain friends after sex, I wouldn't mind. But as it stands, it only magnifies their lack of interest in me as a person - whether it's for sexual or social needs. So I lost a friend and felt I was no longer attractive. Super fun.

Recently, I messed up. I slept with a friend I've known for two or three years. I kept telling myself I wouldn't do it. But one drunk night, things went that far. I told myself I wanted to remain friends, even though I knew that sometimes intimacy could make things awkward - I didn't want that because I really cherish our friendship. I even stopped before we got to the intimate part because I was really worried it would ruin our friendship. But in the end, we went ahead with it because I knew it might look strange if I acted so distressed, and we had already started down that path, so even if we stopped, what had happened between us might not make a difference. (I didn't say this last part out loud; I just thought about it silently in my mind.)

Unexpectedly, the relationship between us has become extremely strange now. He has completely given up our friendship - we used to meet every few weeks and occasionally send each other text messages, but in the past month, I sent him two or three messages about some casual, harmless and friendly topics, and he didn't reply to any of them. Recently, I also ran into him at an event that we used to attend occasionally with other friends. Before, if he was planning to go, he would always invite me, but now it's obvious that he won't. Essentially, my behavior before and after having sex is exactly the same... Is there obviously something wrong? Of course, I know I shouldn't ask him why he's being so strange; I believe everyone knows that men like to respond to this question with the "gaslighting effect".

Am I crazy to expect to maintain a friendship after sex? Is there anything wrong with this idea? My current solution is to stop sleeping with friends. It's fine, easy and there's no problem, but I still can't get rid of the confusing pattern I've encountered in the past few years. It's very likely that I'm denying reality, either my sexual skills are really bad or there are other flaws, but I have a strong sense of self-awareness and self-esteem, so I doubt it's the case - but then again, if it's always like this, maybe I have a huge blind spot when it comes to some truly important things.

Anyway, the last sexual experience (the one described in detail above) was not bad. Although it wasn't the best I've ever had, I guess he would say the same, but we both reached climax and I had a great time. So, why is he treating our friendship so coldly? Why do they all do this? ！

thank you

Such questions might be hard to answer, NSDWMFY, as there are many reasons why a guy might ignore you. Yes, it could be that he is dissatisfied with dating a curvaceous beauty and fears being blamed if discovered. It could also be that he feels there is a problem with your friendship, feeling awkward and strange, and not knowing how to communicate with you. It might be that you didn't follow through after the act, and your certain behaviors made them feel that you were not satisfied. It could be that they are worried that you have been interested in them all along, and you just had sex with them secretly like a "good girl". Or, your "I don't want anything" attitude after the act might have made them feel strange and unsure of how to accept it. Sigh, if you act as if nothing happened after the act, they might feel uneasy and prefer to ignore you rather than talk about it openly.

Without me being present, like David Attenborough, I would almost certainly not be able to say this.

Even so, a few things in your letter gave me a Spider-Man kind of feeling.

First of all, alcohol is often involved. It is very likely a contributing factor. Although alcohol is not Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – it doesn't turn a person into someone else – it can make people make decisions they wouldn't make when sober. The disinhibiting effect of alcohol is not so much about revealing hidden desires as it is about lowering the volume of the part of the brain that sends the signal "Hey, this might not be a good idea." Therefore, a man may have reasons not to want to sleep with someone, but after a few drinks, he might think, "Well, a blowjob tonight would probably be great," thus crossing a line he wouldn't have touched otherwise.

Especially when you are getting intimate, and you hear the words "Wait, I really don't want to ruin our friendship," it's particularly true. If the volume of the sentence "That's why I won't do it" is lowered and they are already in the act, it's hard to hear the voice in your head saying, "OK, maybe we should stop here for today, boss." Drunken erections often ignore many warning signs.

Besides, if they are worried that they have taken advantage of you... Well, I can understand why men would panic and disappear at this.

However, at the same time, your letter gives me the impression that you actually haven't talked about this matter with your friends - neither before nor after you had sex. I'm not just referring to the kind of "what does this mean" conversation before, but your overall view on one-night stands and casual sex partners. If your male friends don't know that you are open to one-night stands, they might think it means much more than it actually does, and that's quite normal. This is especially true considering you don't date much. If they only know that you don't date often but have sex frequently, they might think you were more serious about it from the start, and that's understandable. They don't know that their condition is "well, you're available, on call, safe and attractive enough", so they might think this is a sign that you're starting something serious.

Frankly speaking, generally speaking, if you can't talk about sex with them in an abstract way, then you probably shouldn't have slept with them in the first place.

But equally important is that you seem to rarely talk about these things afterwards. Although you mentioned that men think women - especially those they consider traditionally attractive - become clingy and needy after sex, you seem to assume from the start that if you ask men what happened, they won't be honest. While some men may either be unwilling to be honest or even not know why they feel strange, you can't be sure that all your one-night stands are like this.

Taking everything into account, I'll start with the most direct common ground in your relationship: alcohol. While alcohol may be a social lubricant and may enhance your sex life, it's a good idea to avoid having sex when either or both of you are drunk. At the very least, you can ensure that your male friend is doing what he wants to do, rather than something he might regret when sober. Not all men want to sleep with their friends, even if they are really attracted to her. Some like to draw a clear line between friends and potential partners.

Secondly, I'll talk to you all about this - before and after. If they know it's just a one-night stand, you're good at distinguishing between each other, and have no problem with a casual FWB relationship, then your relaxed behavior after sex might not be so disturbing. If they usually are willing to accept a relationship without strings attached and know that's exactly what you want, they are more likely to accept it. Talk again after, especially when they feel something is off, give them a non-judgmental space to express themselves, which might ease any tension or eliminate the lingering anxiety of "Wait, did I do something wrong?"

In short: Don't drink, speak up early and speak more. This should help reduce those odd-looking people the next morning.

Good luck to you.