Dear Dr. Happy Pi:

My wife (female, 46 years old) and I (male, 42 years old) got married five years ago. My wife had a "one-off" marriage and she also gave birth to a lovely daughter (now 9 years old). Over the past six years and more, I have raised her daughter as if she were my own child. I enjoy being a father. Her biological father has addiction problems, which are intermittent. Even when he was around her, she rarely received proper supervision. She has been disappointed in him many times, but I have always been her consistent and trustworthy father.

My relationship with my wife has become more like that of friends, but there is less intimacy. I prefer to have sex the next day. I have to have sex once a month. Maybe I should add that we have passionate sex several times a day every day, and almost every day during our dates. After marriage, we suddenly became once a month. This greatly enhanced my wife's financial security. So, I can't help but wonder if I have intentionally or unintentionally been manipulated by her.

We had a detailed discussion about the issue of lack of sexual life. She is no longer interested in having sex now. I explained that the lack of physical intimacy seriously affected my sense of happiness and self-esteem. I requested to establish an open relationship. She was shocked and refused my request. She is not interested in psychotherapy and I don't want the psychologist to persuade her to have sex with me. If we divorce, I believe she will strictly limit my contact with my stepdaughter.

I believe my options are as follows: 1) Cheat on her; 2) Get divorced and ruin the life of my stepdaughter; 3) Put off my happiness for nine years after she goes to college. What suggestions do you have?

OK, C22, I have to be honest: The thought that "my wife is just trying to cheat me out of my money" often makes me very angry, especially when there are more possibilities in the matter of emotions. Moreover, adding "Well, maybe it's subconscious" just to avoid seeming to be saying that I married a money-hungry woman doesn't help at all. Many men who deceive and manipulate women's emotions use this lazy excuse to justify to themselves that they treat women as objects rather than as people.

So, I understand your frustration, but precisely this emotion makes it even more difficult to truly assess the problem; this mindset often affects the relationship itself as well as the people you might seek help from.

Even so, when discussing emotional issues, I like to remember this saying: If you hear the sound of hooves, assume it's a horse, not a zebra. That is to say, there are almost always more mundane problems causing the issue, rather than someone being willing to engage in prostitution in order to find a father figure and/or financial support. Especially when there is no other evidence of similar behavior in their lives.

More likely, your wife has lost interest in sex, and the reasons for this and how it happened can all be explained by mundane factors.

I would like you to specify in the letter how long you have been in a relationship with your wife. This will help us understand exactly what has happened between you two. For instance, did you engage in your hobbies several times every day during the relationship, or did you always have regular sex at the beginning and gradually reduce it to once a day, or finally it became once a month?

Now, due to the lack of more information, there are many possibilities here. These possibilities are much more likely than the one that your wife is a money-hungry woman and is willing to have sex before the ring is put on her finger.

One possibility is that her interest in sex has always been rather limited, and the "new relationship energy" (referring to the increased secretion of oxytocin and dopamine in the brain when interacting with a new partner) was sufficient to prompt her to have sex more frequently than usual. It's even possible that during your daily dates, she was already maintaining a sexual relationship rather than the one she truly desired or was excited about. At some point, she had to allocate time for things she wasn't usually interested in (not just with you), and it became so exhausting that she... gave up.

Another possibility is that she has never truly enjoyed sexual intercourse. One of the reasons for the decline in female sexual desire is not because women are inferior to men, but because women get tired of the ongoing sexual activity. Sometimes, this stems from the sexually negative culture we are in; even in societies like those after "Sex and the City" or "Bridge on the River Kwai", women are still not encouraged to explore their own sexual orientation or advocate for the type of sexual activity they truly desire. This is often related to the fact that heterosexual men most often desire penetrative sex, that is, PIV sex, and this type of sex is unlikely to allow women to reach orgasm. Relatively few women (according to research results, about 10% or less) can reach orgasm solely through penetrative sex; most women need direct stimulation of the clitoris to reach orgasm, and penetrative sex - especially in missionary position - rarely stimulates the clitoris in the way they need. Therefore, her lack of interest may be because her sexual life is not good enough to keep her motivated, and thus she loses her motivation.

The third possibility is that certain factors in her life have affected her sexual desire. These factors could be work stress, the relationship with the biological father of her children, the daily pressure of raising children, the natural hormonal changes that occur with age, depression, side effects of medication, or any other external factor.

The fourth possibility is that she is not uninterested in sex, but rather she doesn't want to have sex with you. Now, let me clarify: When I say this, I'm not suggesting that you are ugly, unworthy, or that you have done anything wrong. Sometimes, our desire for someone fades over time. Sometimes, the reasons are obvious - the partner indulges themselves, or simply doesn't want to put in the effort to maintain passion, etc. Other times, it's just their nature. Some people demand a rich and diverse sex life from their partners, and their desire for a specific partner always fades over time.

At other times, this is simply a change in your relationship. Some relationships may become less sexual and focus more on companionship, especially in older couples. If sex is never as important to her as it is to you, then this might just be a natural outcome of her relationship development.

There are also times... The essence of the relationship has changed for them. As time goes by, each of us is growing and changing. Sometimes we and our partners change and grow together; sometimes we drift apart. None of this is anyone's fault; that's just the way things are. After all, not every relationship can last forever; some love stories are just fleeting, and this is normal. However, it is important to realize whether this is your (overall "you") emotional pattern, and manage your emotions accordingly.

The fifth possibility is that she has a harder time achieving sexual arousal. Sex researcher Emily Nagoski has written extensively about the two types of desires - spontaneous desire ("sudden intense desire") and reactive desire. Many women fall into the reactive desire category; that is, they do not experience spontaneous desire like many men do. Instead, they first engage in physical contact or participate in sexual activities (such as foreplay, intimacy, etc.) and then start to experience desire. Therefore, her lack of interest in sex does not mean she is not interested in sex at all; rather, the background of her experiencing desire is different from yours. You feel desire and then get aroused; she may not be interested until she experiences physical contact through sexual activities and feels desire. So, changing your and her perspectives on sex and desire might make her feel desire again. If she is willing to accept some form of physical intimacy or physical contact, even if she doesn't have spontaneous desire at the moment, then as things progress, desire may arise.

Now, the person who can truly explain the issue is your wife. The problem - this is indeed a problem - lies in the fact that she seems unwilling to talk about it or do anything about it. At this point, providing more information and background details would be very helpful. You said that you have already had in-depth discussions about this issue. I really want to know the background of these discussions. If you participate in the discussion from the position of "I noticed that our sex life has changed, I want to talk about it; this is what I noticed, what are your feelings/thoughts about this?", then you might get a very different response from "Our sex life is not enough, this is very bad for me". The former is cooperative and encourages both of you to work together to solve the problem. The latter is more likely to put her on the defensive, because it might sound like blaming or criticizing - and these might make her lose interest in truly solving the problem.

Ignoring these facts, we can only accept this reality: She seems not to be interested in having sex with you, except for maintaining the minimum living expenses, and she doesn't consider this a problem. She is unwilling to discuss this matter with a relationship counselor, which might be disturbing. She is also unwilling to make this relationship public, which is another problem. If she is not interested in sex and doesn't consider it an important part of their relationship, then insisting that you keep the commitment of being monogamous but abstinent is unfair and unreasonable. Although she might indeed be worried that making this relationship public will cause you to leave her and go to another woman who is interested in sex, monogamy offers no protection. Asking you to maintain monogamy cannot magically prevent you from leaving her; monogamous relationships always end, and those who make the commitment of monogamy often cheat and leave their partners for others.

Once again, more information would be very helpful at this point. The context of these discussions might determine whether she decides to end your sexual relationship unilaterally, or whether she chooses to give up because she feels that she has not been listened to or understood, and believes that talking to a therapist would not be helpful.

But if she really decides to stop having sex, and you do the same... then your options will be limited.

I suggest you try having another conversation with her about this matter. I suggest you approach this final talk from the perspective of "I want to understand your feelings on this, and how we can work together to find a solution that works for both of us and restores our once-close relationship", even if you handled it this way before. Consider this as a "our" issue rather than a "my" issue, focus on and care about her feelings and problems, and view it as a partnership between partners. This is more likely to encourage her to be honest with you and hope to find potential solutions. Especially if the previous discussions were more about how she disregarded your penis and rarely considered herself.

But I will consult a couple counselor who has a positive view of sexuality on this issue. I also suggest that you see a relationship counselor, whether she goes or not. Talking to a well-trained counselor might help you discover some blind spots or areas that you weren't aware of before, which could be causing the problem. If it really comes to an end, they might also be able to help you find a way to end this relationship.

But if you want to keep this relationship going, the couple counselor must become an unnegotiable factor, or even an ultimatum like "We go for couple counseling and sincerely strive to resolve it, otherwise we will divorce". However, it is important to realize that once you issue this ultimatum, you must be prepared to carry it through to the end. If you draw a line and say "We do this, otherwise I'm out", but do not actually leave or initiate the divorce process, then what you have done is merely showing bravado; she has no reason to take you seriously.

I understand that you love your stepdaughter and don't want to ruin her life. However, children are not stupid or ignorant; they can sense when there are problems between their parents and when things are not going well. Divorce causes far less trauma to them than the endless cold war between the parents (or here referring to the stepfather). Although divorce will cause them a tumultuous period and cause great damage, it is still better for her than to stay together and have this problem hanging over everyone.

This was a poor choice. I'm sorry that you are in such a situation. I hope that you and your wife can reignite your respect and desire for each other, and strive to make this relationship last. Otherwise, in this case, divorce would be the least bad of all the bad choices... but for your stepdaughter, it would be the best one.

Good luck to you.