I had a "toxic" relationship for two years before. My ex cheated on me, but I kept pursuing someone whom I knew would never love me as much as he loved me. I kept being betrayed, and even felt that his love for parties/drugs was more important than mine...

About nine months after that relationship ended, I started dating a "perfect" guy. He met all my criteria for a boyfriend: stable/prosperous career, clear life goals, handsome, funny, loyal, understanding, and humble, etc.

The first few months were always filled with excitement. Now we've been together for nearly six months, but I still can't get rid of those thoughts... I get easily annoyed by him... He shows genuine interest in my daily life, but I just give him brief responses. I no longer show much interest in his daily life either.

Some days I was very happy to see him, while on other days it felt like it was another day... He is someone who likes to plan a month in advance, while I just prefer to go with the flow... He was very excited during the holidays, but I didn't care... Recently he also got a promotion, although I was excited for him, I was also very strict with myself.

Recently, I betrayed him by flirting with him in the bar for no reason. As a result, he found out... We continued to communicate and ended up being together. He loves me and wants to be with me, but all I keep thinking about is... "Am I being like my ex and treating him badly?"

I have always wanted to be with someone like him - someone who would listen to me and change their behavior based on the feelings I conveyed. But I still can't figure out why I no longer have a crush on him... I just always thought I could get all of this from other people, and I wouldn't lose interest in him. But later, I felt very sad because I really cared about him and didn't want to hurt him.

I can't explain why I'm not excited, etc... I feel that I'm obsessively thinking that he isn't that person, rather than seeing what's in front of me...

Then I also wanted to... Oh my god, he will go bald in a few years... These shallow thoughts of mine make me feel very uncomfortable...

When we discussed the future together, we were very happy and everything seemed perfect. But I don't think we are destined to be like this...

What should I do?

Reading this, OIO, I would like to ask you a question: Was your ex your only bad relationship? Or was he just the latest in a series of your bad relationships? Remember this question, as it will be useful later.

I think the problem with your question is that he is "perfect", OIO. Or to be more precise, the reason why he is "perfect" is that he is completely the opposite of your previous dating partner.

Yes, I know. The guy you had a date with was absolutely a complete disaster. He was just a single man living off a welfare check. But your current boyfriend has a stable, peaceful and carefree life... That's where the problem lies.

No, seriously.

One of the annoying aspects of human life is that what we think we want and what we actually respond to might be two different things. What is particularly irritating is that what we respond to often has adverse effects on our rationality, sense of security, and emotional health. This is not because "Oh, all ladies like bad boys", but because "I'm used to a lack of security or caring feelings, so I'm used to more drama and conflict in relationships. When someone simply loves me purely, I don't know what to do."

What you described sounds very much like insecure attachment. Many people with insecure attachment have difficulty in establishing more stable and close interpersonal relationships. This may seem strange, but knowing that someone is by your side, caring about you, wanting to hear about your day, and usually providing you with a sense of security and comfort is actually a problem for those with insecure attachment. This is not because the partner has any issues, but because this type of person is more accustomed to chaos and uncertainty. What they have learned, usually from their parents or elders, eventually leads to many problems.

If you have ever felt for a long time that you must "win" someone's love and attention, must chase after someone, or always risk having your love taken away by others, then this feeling will leave some kind of mark in your brain. It will form an expectation and behavioral pattern that you unconsciously follow - choosing a partner with the "hot express train" first-class ticket, and the final relationship is more dramatic than the three seasons of a show on Hulu, and often the love and attention your final partner gives you is at best conditional. Such a relationship is rarely boring; it always jumps from one crisis to another, in a long series of moments, you have to paddle like a jerk to keep yourself afloat in the water.

Because you have regarded this as "normal" for you, relationships that do not follow this pattern will make people feel strange, unusual and unpleasant.

Worse still, this kind of relationship makes it even harder for you to gain a sense of security - you often feel that you "don't deserve" a stable and secure person, and even engage in some destructive behaviors. For instance, you might go out and cause trouble because subconsciously you believe that you "don't deserve" a "good" partner and a "good" relationship, so you do certain things to destroy this relationship. You won't consciously think, "Hey, I'm going to sleep with a stranger in front of my boyfriend because he deserves someone better than me", but you still will suddenly press the self-destruct button, as a confession of your "not being good enough" - regardless of what it means.

For instance: You have some shallow and intrusive thoughts, and express them in a certain way, with the aim of provoking him and making him upset. This tells me that your so-called "cheating" seems to be limited to "having a flirtation with a man in a bar". Regardless of whether this conforms to the definition of "cheating" (I don't think it does), but since things haven't progressed further, this indicates that you are not truly malicious; you are just trying to make him react in a way that is more in line with your usual pattern.

Is this a complete mess? Yes, to some extent. But this is a mess within the general category of "the human brain being stupid and neurotic", rather than "you are a self-destructive force that will be in chaos and explode everywhere".

Therefore, although there are indeed compatibility issues here - just because a man is great doesn't mean he is great for you - in my opinion, this is more like a safe relationship making you uncomfortable. You squirm around like a wild cat, unsure if these adults who keep wanting to feed and pet you can be trusted.

Now, I might have strayed completely off topic. You might need more spontaneity and surprises; some people prefer chaos, while others prefer order. When the two are at opposite ends of this specific spectrum, conflicts arise. You might need someone more like chaos, but still orderly enough not to completely turn into a mess - better at controlling chaos and improvisation, but not as malicious, emotional, or manipulative as your previous terrible one.

But I suspect that the former is more advantageous. I think you might be worth spending time talking to a psychological counselor about the issue of attachment, especially if that awful ex was just the latest in a series of your bad relationships. If the ultimate problem is self-esteem and self-destruction, unraveling this knot will be very helpful. This might repair the relationship or it might not, but it means you are less likely to try to break the relationship because you feel you are not worthy of being loved or because love means chaos.

Meanwhile, talk about this with your boyfriend. Tell him that these are the things you are worried about. Maybe you can get some real comfort from him by telling him that you are great and he wants to be with you. You don't have to worry that he will wake up and realize that he could do better, which might reduce your desire for chaos and conflict. Even the most distrustful wild cat will settle down and fall in love with someone who can prove that they are safe, reliable and trustworthy.

Good luck to you.