Mark and Shirley had been married for less than a year when they sat in my office, explaining that I was their last hope before their divorce.

They were tired of arguing and the harm caused by each other. No matter how hard they tried, it seemed that they couldn't get rid of their entanglements with each other.

Whether you have been married for one year or forty years, the relationship will become very difficult.

We have certain ideas and expectations regarding marriage, but sometimes things don't always go as planned.

Sometimes, pain, fear and insecurity can overwhelm us. Sometimes, we find ourselves in a difficult situation, feeling as if there is no way out.

When it comes to a broken relationship, it is important to remember that there are two battles going on. Not only do we have to fight within the marriage against the fragmentation of human nature, but there is also an external enemy - he is doing his utmost to destroy this safe haven established by God. He is a powerful destroyer who will use every means to undermine the foundation of your relationship and your inner self.

I know that many of you are still experiencing this kind of pain to this day. As a professional counselor, I have met many couples at various stages of marital breakdown. Moreover, I myself have been married, so I understand the struggles that marriage can bring. Around us, there are people who are suffering from pain. They are doing their best to pick up the shattered hopes, but feel completely alone.

Although each couple has its own unique needs, when providing counseling for couples, I always mention three things:

1.The first step in healing is to examine one's own inner self.

No matter where on the broken path one is, or what one has done, the first step in healing is always to examine one's own inner self. Humans tend to blame each other and defend themselves, and this tendency greatly hinders healing because this attitude is to shirk responsibility rather than take responsibility. Couples who take this step seriously will create space for true and lasting change.

If you find yourself constantly focusing on your partner's flaws and never taking the time to understand your role in this relationship - then the changes you are seeking are likely to never be fully achieved.

2. Your past is more closely linked to your present than you might think.

This is the most profound truth I have witnessed in my career. Many of our current pains did not originate from marriage; they are merely repetitive patterns. The most challenging issues you encounter in your marriage are likely the same ones you have faced at other stages of your life - the feeling of being abandoned, a sense of insecurity, or issues related to control. Anger, jealousy, or the ability to refuse.

Our current pain may stem from the past, but it keeps emerging within the context of our marriage. However, the good news is that God can use our marriage to heal us by resolving these issues in our lives and souls. If we can face them calmly and dedicate them to Him, then the greatest struggles can also be transformed into our greatest strength. He knows what wounds our hearts, but more importantly, He knows what can heal us.

3. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

The Bible repeatedly teaches us to forgive. The only way to get rid of the pain in life is to let it no longer control us. But in the end, forgiveness is not for others, but for yourself, because it can free you from the shackles of your own pain. Forgiveness allows us to let go of the past and move towards healing - entrusting the greatest wounds in life to God. We are taught to be forgiving towards each other, not to hold on to anger and bitterness. This is true forgiveness - because it reflects the will of Jesus and is something we need to practice every day in our marital life.

But forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

Sometimes we forget, and sometimes we remember - because remembering allows us to act differently. For those women who have been betrayed by their husbands time and again, for those men who are at their wits' end because of their wives' dangerous outbursts of anger, for those entrenched patterns and habits in our relationships that have begun to take root, forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

We can forgive, but wisdom will guide us to act differently. True healing requires change - and this change always brings us back to the starting point - through self-examination. The important thing is to recognize your role and reaction in such interactions, and then take the necessary steps to change, because in the end, we teach others how to treat us and how not to treat us. (For more information, please read the book "Boundaries in Marriage".)

What's wrong with Mark and Shirley? Well, their story is full of hope. Gradually, they began to take responsibility for their own brokenness instead of dwelling on the brokenness of the other. They started to repair their marriage from the inside out. But this process was chaotic and difficult, and it definitely couldn't be completed in a short period of time. Because true healing doesn't happen overnight; it's a process.

There are many factors in our marriage and relationship that need to be healed and changed - may God grant us wisdom, allowing us to start changing the things we can change, and to start believing that He will change the things beyond our control.